Would You Ever Think About Taking Your Life???

by minimus 30 Replies latest jw friends

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  minimus

  Have you ever been in such despair that the thought crossed your mind? Did being a Jehovah's Witness have anything to do with your mindset?
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  unclebruce

  Not necessary ~ it's easier to outsource

  unc who just got his life back from the cleaners.
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  KW13

  i have felt that bad and because of the jw's, i was often sat there with a knife on my wrists and the only reason i had to not do it was because i knew it would hurt my mum.
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  luna2

  I thought about it more than a few times...but I never went so far as to plan it out or anything. I think I was more interested in passive destruction. I got pretty sick about fifteen years ago, had no insurance and life was fairly sucky, so I just figured if I lived through it, fine. If not.....fine.

  I'm glad I don't feel like that any more.
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  Lo-ru-hamah

  Yes, I have thought about it. And yes, I think being a witness had something to do with it, though not directly. The organization constantly heaps upon you guilt for not doing enough, not being good enough and that you need to do more, more, more. You then carry this over into your everyday life and when things arn't working out you think, I am not good enough, I need to do more, it is all my fault. You know the lines. Also, you base so much of your self worth on what other people think of you and you let them determine whether you are worthy to live or not. I have felt much better lately though, since leaving, and I have gotten people out of my life that made me feel so negative about myself. Anyway, I never got close to it, just thought about it frequently.
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  unique1

  Used to think about it all the time. I felt I was never good enough and that I was unworthy of love. I got back in control of my life to some degree by controling my food intake and becoming a skinny minny. Then I spiraled down again. Did I feel unworthy because I knew I could never be what my parents wanted because it included being a witness? Do I feel it is because Witnesses set impossibly high standards that even the best christian can't match so I felt worthless? Who Knows? I feel sure it was a contributing factor. I don't think it was the ONLY contributing factor though.
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  Good Girl or Bad Girl?

  I have thought about it too many times and I think it's a direct result from the low self esteem that's been so deeply ingrained in me. We are nothing but good-for-nothing slaves, doing what we ought to be doing, only that's not even true because 5 times weekly they tell you that you are not doing enough. I have felt so much pressure at times that I thought the "easy" way out was just to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to hurt the people in my life that I know care about me in their own way though so that has always stopped me. And now I am for the first time doing something about it. I'm learning about the people out there who feel like I do. Still feeling very confused though...Memorial is next week and I've never missed one of those...but I just want to be done with it all...
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  minimus

  Girl, welcome on board! I went to the Memorial all my life. When I stopped going a few years ago, it didn't bother me at all!!
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  blondie

  Nine in ten men are would-be suicides--Benjamin Franklin

  All healthy men have thought of their own suicide.--Albert Camus
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  Lady Lee

  OK Min you have three different questions here.

  The first:

  Would You Ever Think About Taking Your Life???

  Infers would I in the future think about killing myself. I cannot think of anything that would send me to that dark place again. I now know I have other options. The second:

  Have you ever been in such despair that the thought crossed your mind?

  Have I in the past been quite obsessive about it. Thought about it every day. And for most of the day. This went far beyond crossing my mind. I had my plans. I spoke to people and asked them to watch over my daughters if something should happen to me. Two things made me stop. My daughters and what it would do to them. And fear that if it didn't work I might be in worse shape than I already was. The third:

  Did being a Jehovah's Witness have anything to do with your mindset?

  In part - yes. By the time I was 35 years old I don't think I lived one day without abuse, all kinds of abuse; emotional, physical, sexual, spousal, spiritual, financial and even political, (being an anglophone in Quebec places you firmly in the bottom class and removes many human rights). as well as neglect I was 11 yrs old before I heard of the JWs. But abuse was rampant in my life right from the beginning. Even before I was born there was rejection (plan was to give me up for adoption so when I was born my mother refused to see me) Adding in the WTS simply made everything worse. My mother continued her abuse to all of her children. Out of all five of us non one wants anything to do with her and all the other kids ran from the WTS as soon as they were old enough to be out of the house. I was the only hold-out who stayed and got baptized. That one act alone, of getting baptized was the noose around my neck. It was the one thing that said I was wicked for leaving a JW elder and the WTS. The WTS was the only thing that condemned me for opting to leave. As long as I continued to believe that the WT stranglehold over my life was sanctioned by God I thought there was no way out except death. Until I finally realized that there was another option. A friend told me "Not choosing is also a choice" and the light went on and I realized I could leave. I still believed I would die when the end came but I no longer had to live with abuse. Well that's not completely true. I still had the shunning thing to deal with and what that did to my self esteem. But after leaving the JWs and my elder/husband the thoughts of dying came less frequently. Last November when my sister commited suicide I was speaking with my doctor. I think she was a little concerned that I might start thinking about it. But not my sister, not my life, not my present health situation can make me get back to that dark place. In October 2004 I left my second husband. He never hit me or yelled at me. His form of abuse was far more subtle. As I became more disabled he became angrier at the world. It became an extrmely toxic place to be. But this time instead of thinking about dying I thought about living - somewhere else. I could have stayed. He wanted me too. But once the love, trust and respect is gone I saw no reason to stay. We don't have to live in abusive relationships, regardless of whether it is a spouse, a job or an organization masking itself as a religion.