DUDE....WHAT YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO DO IS INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP! and don't forget about your own kids here buddy. are you really so selfish that you are willing to break up two families over this? not to mention how much it's going to suck if this woman you claim to be in love with becomes active in the congregation again. you are in for a world of hurt and i'll be the first one to say "I TOLD YOU SO!" get you head out of your ass and smell the fresh air.
Help - I'm in love with a JW!
by LookingIn 45 Replies latest jw friends
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Check_Your_Premises
Ok first of all, I am the son of a man who had an affair and divorced my mother when I was five, my sister was 8, and my brother was 12. So you will get the advantage of knowing how it will effect all of those age brackets.
He moved out on my fifth birthday.
So think of me, as your kids and her kids about 25 years from now. I am the person they will become.
I have no idea what is going on in your marriage or your personal life. But your and her children did not have anything to do with the situation you are both in. They did not ask to be born. They deserve to grow up in an intact home.
Your sons will likely grow up without the full influence that they need from their father to be a man. I wonder how much time you are spending with them now, since you are obviously very caught up in your own extra-marital love life. However much time you do spend with them, you will be spending less. Sons who grow up without dads have a very hard time. They just have a hole in them that never gets filled, and they don't even know why. They just can't seem to compete with all the other boys whose dad stuck around to teach them how to be a man instead of leaving their mom for some other woman. They don't realize why, and just seem to think there is somethign wrong with them. They usually end up expressing their manhood in the only ways they can think of, by being violent and promiscuous. It takes a long time to learn, if ever, that being a man means taking responsibility for your family. Luckily I learned it on my own. I love my dad. In alot of ways I am proud of him. But in other ways I am very ashamed of him. I had to forgive him all over again when I had my own kids. Now that I am a MAN and I take care of my family like a MAN, I had to accept and forgive him to the extent that he wasn't.
Now let's talk about daughters without fathers. They, like sons, will have less time than they already have with their very pre-occupied father. Girls are funny, in that they NEED affection from daddy. They need that love like they need air. If they don't get it, they will seek it out elsewhere. Unfortunately that will be in the arms of some young, hormonal boy. Also, since she won't think alot of herself, which is because she will figure she wasn't worth your love, she will tend to pick guys who don't love her either. IT will be her mission in life to fix her relationship with you via finding some bastard and trying to get him to love her. He never will. She moves on from bastard to bastard. She gets screwed over again and again. All cuz daddy didn't love her.
Now let's talk about who your spouse ends up with. Their new step dad is going to be raising your kids part time, and unfortunately these fellas are often pedophiles!!! Pedophiles LOVE to marry women with kids. Obviously dad is to preoccupied to make sure the kids are safe, and mom is so wigged and traumatized over her husband leaving her, she often goes into denial and turns a blind eye to her own children's torment.
Now that is just your children and her children. The problem is that with all the fun little pathologies you and your little jw squeeze have given them cuz you were in love, they will have their children under less than ideal circumstances. They will pass on all this fun to their children. So keep in mind. You aren't just messing with the lives of your children. You are messing with their children. You are likely relegating entire branches of your family tree to the trailer park or worse.
Now let's talk about you, since I fear that is who you are most concerned with. You are going to lose at least half your stuff. You will be paying ALOT of money for support every month. I know guys who pay 40% of their takehome for two kids! Moral of the story... it's cheaper to keep her.
Isn't this fun! Isn't your little love affair worth all this!!!
Sorry dude. I don't mean to sound judgemental. And I actually am not. I have my own problems and I have made my own mistakes. But please think about what you are doing. When you become a father, you become second fiddle. Your children become the most important thing. They deserve no less. I just don't want you to put your kids through what I went through. I gave it to you hard and fast, because I know the little head is doing all the thinking. It is the only thing that might work, and I know that won't be enough.
But please. Quit banging this jw lady, go home, and try to make things work there.
If you don't beleive me, ask my old man! He is a lonely old guy, who spends all his time wishing he could go back. He constantly begs my forgiveness. He has it. But not my respect. It sure has been a tough road. I sure wish he had just whacked off or something.
CYP
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Balsam
Considering that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, this situation is no surprise. Divorce is so common these days in schools with children's parents that it almost freakish to have your orginal set of parents.
I have no good advice it something that should not be take lightly and it would be best to wait until the children were grown. If you still want each other by then, do it. Tough for everyone concerned. Relationships now break up much more frequently than say 60 years ago. My parents were married to each other for 60 years but hated each other. I see no sense in that either.
Balsam
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anewme
I know my last reply sounds hypocritical. (I went through a divorce but you cant)
I remember feeling miserable in my marriage and suffocated and lonely.
Very lonely----after 20 years and no kids.
Crazy lonely....I know.
I just want to say that sometimes the desperation in our hearts subsides after a time.
Couples get that middle age crisis thing and take each other for granted and need some counseling.
Marriage counseling is big business ----because we need it------and it works!!
Women in their 40s go through a second teenhood with all the accompanying hormonal swings.
Believe me, when the bodily hormonal urges subside and settle down so does the need for the affair. What takes its place is again FAMILY VALUES, HOME, COMMUNITY, SPIRITUALITY AND GOD.
The couple that leaves their families may later feel like Adam and Eve outsted from the garden and find themselves looking at each other and thinking "What have we done?" -
Good Girl or Bad Girl?
OMG I'm so sorry, Guys, I spoke too soon on a topic I know nothing about! Check_Your_Premises cleared things up. Children ARE ALWAYS the most important thing and the first thing people must consider, Above All Else.
LookingIn, obviously there are more details to this scenario than can ever be summed up on a discussion board, but I stand corrected. If you truly love this woman you wouldn't want to ruin her life and the lives of her children. If you truly love your children you won't ruin their lives. Most likely your relationship with this JW woman is solely based on passion and sexual attraction/compatibility. This does not last and is not enough to make it worthwhile to turn your worlds completely upside down and royally screw up the people your children and her children will become.
GG
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serendipity
I agree in principle that the children need to be considered, and the adults need to be responsible. With that said....
We don't know all the details, and what if she has a husband who is abusive in any way, and this guy would be better? I'm not condoning the affair, but who could blame her for wanting to get out of a bad marriage.
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LookingIn
Thanks again for all your thoughts. I wish I could post all the details, but that wouldn't be possible. For the record, my little head is not doing all the thinking, and it's not primarily about physical attraction. You'll have to take me at my word on that (I can hear you all saying "yeah, right"..). We have agreed not to see each other any more until "the time is right" whenever that may be. It may be never because of her beliefs. I understand that. We are both good people with human faults. Our spouses are not bad people or abusive, but we chose poorly and we're both miserable. We both care tremendously about our kids and know that a divorce would have negative consequences. Mine are older and I have an excellent relationship with them. Also, I am a child of divorce and truly didn't suffer greatly as a result, having parents who both clearly cared about me. I'm of the opinion it's less about the fact of divorce than how parents conduct themselves afterwards. We would both be committed to doing anything in our power to mitigate the pain we've caused. Of course, we may decide the only way is not to go down this road any further. Either way, it is likely we will both divorce as neither of us can envision the rest of our lives with our current spouses. She acknowledges this even when faced with the severe consequences that will be imposed by her faith. From what she's described to me, it sounds like her congregation or branch or whatever you call it is a little more forgiving and lenient than many. Her circle of friends is mostly inside the faith, but also includes many family members who have been DF'ed, reproved, etc yet she is still allowed to communicate and associate with them to a degree. I'm trying to understand her faith more, and the consequences of our actions to her kids FROM A FAITH STANDPOINT. Can anyone shed some light on this aspect?
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Check_Your_Premises
I have no idea what is going on in your marriage or your personal life.
Yup Serendipity, that is why I started with the above.
But I gave it to this guy hard on what exactly it will mean to his kids.
I am not judging. Hell, I let my family get caught up in a cult!!! Who am I to judge? I am just imparting information.
About the hardest thing you can ever do is figure out a marriage from the outside. Hell, it is pretty tough to figure out on the inside!!!
But all I care about is what is best for the kids. Adults always come second.
CYP
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Gregor
I see you are already referring to her screwed up religion as "The Truth". Geez, that's a bad sign. Others have said it better already, but all I can add is that you have broken the seal on a big can of worms and you will regret it if you completely open the lid. Have a serious talk with your penis and RUN.
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LookingIn
Gregor, can you expand on the can of worms thing a little bit? Since she calls it the Truth, I feel it would be disrespectful to do otherwise at this point. But I don't like worms very much. Ick.