Well gang, let me tell you a little bit about what is going on in my world.
For about the past 2 years i've gone through all the formations and as many of you have known from reading my posts I've pretty much have moved way beyond the Watchtower in my mind many months ago. Coming to this board has helped with the process much, as well as getting my hands on alot of good reading material. I'm finally at the point where I feel strong enough to move on with my life past this religion.
BUT THERE IS ONE BIG PROBLEM!!!
My wife is still very commited to the Jehovah's Witnesses. I've had many discussions with here, and we talk openly about everything. She knows I'm not happy with the reilgion and sees many problmes with it but still has DEEP EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT. One of the big problmes is that since she was "raised in the truth" she pretty much has never really thought for herself. Everything that she has been fed by the WTS has basically been taken as it without much thought. The idea of leaving the organization is a very scary thing for her. Even more scary is the idea that Gods promises may not actually be everything the Watchtower magazine describles. I've been trying to show her how such things just don't matter and how the WTS uses such things as a way to prove their worth, but she is just so emotionally attached. I keep hitting the same wall. She donsn't need more information, she needs to expierance what the WTS really is for herself. I expierance this because of my radical conversion at age 16 out from Catholicism. My journey has been much differant from hers. She has no reason to question, everything seems to be ok in her mind.
This is what I'm thikning about doing, let me know what you guys think.
Over the past 4 years I've kind of drifted into a somewhat slaker JW. I'm no longer a MS, get very low hours out in service, and don't comment at any of the meetings. I give a talk about once every 4 months. The elders in the congregation want me to more, but they are pretty darn lazy themselves and do little to help me "reach out", which is fine by me. I think my wife sees all of this and gets the impression that i'm somewhat "spiritually weak". I read and study the Bible every day, and we read and talk togeather all the time, but since i'm standing off from activities in the hall she feels that i'm kind of being held back from my real potential.
My idea is to go back in a full force. Within 6 months I'll be a MS, there is no doubt in my mind. All have to do is comment at the freakin wathctower study and write down that I've got over the national average in service time (like i'm actually going to go out or somthing? They never pay attention anyway). The goal is that I get myself into the "theocratic arrangement" taking on assignments and resonsiblities. Hell, I don't even think elder is that far off with these guys. Once I'm in deep (and of cousrse she will be in deep with me) I think it will be eaiser for her to understand what this religion is really all about if she actually starts to expierance it. Right now we are both out on the fringes of it and I think that is keeping us more in than out.
More than anything I feel she has to expierance this religion more to get a real sense for what it is. We are just to far out on our own, and this makes her feel that all the blame and shame is on us. I'm really thinking that this is my only way out (and my wifes as well). I've felt this way for a long time, but have dreaded making the move that takes me "deeper" in.
Let me know what you guys are thinking. Sorry the post was long, but you know where i'm coming from.
Your Advice Needed! What Appears Like My Only Way Out....
by drew sagan 48 Replies latest jw friends
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drew sagan
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KW13
well, i think its clearly something you've thought about. if you believe you can help your wife then good for you. thats a lot to do for someone and i'm sure if you manage to make it clear to her this way that she'll be grateful.
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truthseeker
Not sure that will work Drew.
Your wife might get "encouraged" that you are going back to the WTS with full force. Then, you may find nothing is different, and now you'll find it harder to go back to the old status quo.
Give it some more thought.
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Finally-Free
Assuming you don't believe in JW doctrine and policy, increasing your activity as a JW and taking on more responsibility will increase the frequency of incidents where you have to go against your conscience. Can you live with that? Can you remain silent about the things you see are wrong?
Whatever you decide, the more you are involved with the JWs the more difficult it will be to leave. If you plan to leave, I strongly suggest both you and your wife develop a real-life support network of non JWs.
W
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drew sagan
Truthseeker,
I've thought about that point alot. The only way I can describe it is that she is not your typical Witness. She dosn't blindly follow anything else. She thinks for herself on everything, expect her religion.
If I go in deeper my relationship with the Elders will become tigheter. I will be at their side more. Of course that means she will have a more in depth look at how the religion really functions through me. I don't think she it totally comitted now, and never really ever will be. The funny thing is that she can't stand the way your typical JW acts. I really think the expierance will give her a broader perspective that she simply dosn't have now.
I'm still thinking about it though. thanks for your opinion. -
drew sagan
Assuming you don't believe in JW doctrine and policy, increasing your activity as a JW and taking on more responsibility will increase the frequency of incidents where you have to go against your conscience. Can you live with that? Can you remain silent about the things you see are wrong?
Thats pretty much the point of me increasing my activity. As time moves along these bumps will continue to arise, and when they do she will be able to she how legalistic the entire process really is. It will be terrible for me have to endure this, but I'm willing to do anything to help get her out. There is no fun way of getting out of a cult. Creating a non-witness support chain is an excellent idea. No matter what I do I must start to bring in close friends and family who are not JW. Thanks!
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Amazing1914
Drew,
Like you, I was raised Catholic, and converted to the JWs. My wife converted with me. She was raised a combination of Baptist and Presbyterian. You have a different problem because your wife was raised a JW, and has no other concepts to draw upon.
However, after I read Crisis of Conscience by Ray Franz, I continued on in the organization because I did not see what else to do. I discussed Crisis of Conscience with my wife, but she was not motivated as I was. By continuing on, I only delayed the ultimate need to leave, and needlessly delayed the process for my wife, my children and myself. So, two years later, after I read In Search of Christian Freedom by Ray Franz, I decided to build a plan to leave. I had a two part task, one was to get my family thinking and deciding for themselves. My children were raised JWs, so I had a similar dilema as you have. The second part was to likewise let them experience the Watchtower wolf coming out from under sheep's clothing.
Here is how I got my family thinking for themselves. I did this prior to taking any formal steps to leave. Here is the link to my article: http://freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm This process took about seven months.
The second part, to let them experience the "wolf" for themselves was not found by my being more involved, but by my gradually pulling away. Depending on how much your wife (and children if you have any) respond to the first part will have an affect on how responsive they are to you gradually pulling away. My entire exit experience evolved over a three-year period. Althougn some of the issues with the "wolf" lasted for another three-years. My story is broken into 18 chapters of about 3 or 4 pages each. I am adding a couple of chapters and revising the grammar and word flow, etc. But the original story remains as is. This experience was an evolutionary process, so perhaps you will see useful ideas of what to do, and what not to do.
Here is the link to my exit story: http://www.exjws.net/pioneers/partintro.htm
If you want to explore ideas off the board, feel free to e-mail me at: [email protected] Be sure to put your screen name or a JW reference in the subject line, because if I don't recognize your e-mail address, I might inadvertantly delete it.
Let me know if any of this is useful to you.
Jim Whitney
PS: Jgnat below make a good point about something to believe in. However, first must come the moment of realizing that the Watchtower is a false religion. The building a new view can come after she has started the exit process. It can be overlapped with the first process. But, Jgnat's point is an important part of the planning. However, by helping your wife to "think for herself" means that she has to decide on what she will build in her own heart and mind. You can facilitate, and influence, but you cannot control this part. This she must do for herself, between her and God.
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jgnat
I dunno.
Convincing her it's NOT what she thinks is still only half the battle.
She still needs something to believe IN.
As you know, I put a lot of thought in to this as well. I am also married to an emotional JW.
ARE YOU SURE you wouldn't have more success by ADDing activities in to her life that proves that life exists outside the Watchtower? Like joining a bridge club or a bowling league? How about ADDING personal bible study time, like going through the book of John and slowly weaning her on to "independent thinking"?
THEN, if she is exposed to more JW'ism AFTER she gets used to being a regular human being with independent thoughts, she might be more aware of the contrast between real living and the JW shell-life?
EDITED TO ADD - Amazing1914 showed us all the way with his plan to introduce his family to INDEPENDENT BIBLE STUDY.
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kid-A
Drew,
I dont think I'm getting this. How will you going gung-ho JW inform your wife of the absurdities of the organization? I think instead she will just be thrilled to see you "progressing spiritually" and when the hammer finally comes down, she will be even more crushed after having false hopes raised by your zealous JW act.
I think you are on the right course as it stands, just keep up the slow fade, dont dig your hole any deeper than it has to be.
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drew sagan
Thanks for all the comments guys. I read your story with excitement a while back Jim, let me offically thank you for writing it. It was what got me break my fear and read both of Rays books.
Mabyee I can provide some more information about where me and my wife stand.
When we got married I was a slipping JW. I still believed everything, but felt distant from the religion. We never got into "family bible study", mostly because I wasn't interested in reading the same thing over and over. She never got to excited about such things, so we kind of left it at that. Now that time has passed I can see she somewhat desires the "regular" Jw life. Family bible study, service, all those things. The less I continue to do these things, the more anxious and scared she becomes.
I think this is the most important thing to understand about my wife. SHE DOSN'T FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT JEHOVAHS WITNESSES BELIVE! I'm sure this is true for alot of JWs, but it is especially true for my wife. All of the major docrines are accepted and other than that she is totally in the dark as to what the Society really teaches. She has told me before that she never have even understood what faith really is. Over and over again I continue to point to Jesus as the basis for our faith, and show how HE ALONE, not some organization is what we need. It's working on her well, but I know that she is still saddened by my lack of enthusaism in the WTS, even if it has been replaced by an even greater enthuasim for the Bible.
How can I get her to understand how things are wrong and false, when she views them as unimportant? Since her knowledge of the WTS is very bland and biased, she has basically been lulled to sleep. She is thinking for herself, but is coming up against a wall that has been purposely been built bigger than her.
The reason for us going in deeper would be for her to actually SEE what the WTS teaches and not simply what she assumes they teach.
Whatever I do I can't move faster than she is able to go. thanks for all of your opinions, it I'm not taking any of your suggestions lightly!