Your Advice Needed! What Appears Like My Only Way Out....

by drew sagan 48 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  serendipity

  Drew,

  Have you ever asked your wife if she has any WTS dealbreakers? I.E. - If the WTS ever totally rescinded the blood ban, my Mom would break all ties because my father died from refusing blood.

  Is your wife equating the WTS with God? Though she sees you studying the Bible more, does she think you are building a deeper relationship with God?

  Have you talked through your wife's fears of losing her faith? What does her association with the WTS do for her?

  I'd also keep in mind that people proceed on their spiritual journeys quicker than others. In your eagerness to get her out, don't risk alienating her, assuming you want to stay married. And while you're waiting on her, you can build a good foundation of friends and activities, like the others suggested.
• 

  Gill

  Absolute No, No!!!!

  When a house is burning down, you leave QUICKLY, you don't run in deeper to show your wife how bad the fire really is.

  That method worked for my husband.

  One day he turned round and said, No More! No more meeting, study, FS. No more BS! like it or lump it I'm leaving Jehovah land. That was that!

  It took me a year to figure out it was all BS myself. He certainly didn't need to become an Elder to show me that!

  But you've got to do, what you've got to do.....and honesty is the best policy. If you don't stand up for what's right over this, then she'll never see.

  I say, 'Don't jump in the shit just to prove it smells bad!'

  Gill
• 

  drew sagan

  Thanks yet again for everybodys great advice. This is what i'm thinking about doing, tell me what you think.
  My wife allready knows about all of my doubts concerning the JWs and the Watchtower organization. I never plan on taking any of that back. The next free chance I get I think I will basically bring up these basic points to her about how I feel.
  -You know I have deep concerns and doubts about the JWs
  -You know I want the best for you
  -As a family lets start to study togeather more, using a wide variety of Bible based publications (WTS and non WTS material). I know she will have no objections to this.
  -Let her know that we will keep with our witness routine, but that I can't do things that violate my consceince.
  -Let her know that by such a balanced and well thought out plan based upon growing our faith there is no reason to doubt that God will not show us what to do.
  
  I WILL become more active at the kingdom hall for the time being, I WILL NOT BE a robot. I will start to do what I felt I should have done all along. Give bold comments at meetings and show my wife that i'm not being rebellious towards an organization but instead being zealous towards God. Continue to make my own consious decisions and stand up for the principles that I believe in. All while folloing the suggested routine, but in a very unconventional matter. By doing so I feel I will be able to win over her respect, and prove the WTS to be what it really is. I'm better off starting some troubble by standing for my principles instead of hiding in the corner. I'm going to start troubble, but with good cause and my wife 100% behind me.
  
  Let me know what you think guys!
• 

  SWALKER

  Would it help if you went to different elders and asked them to explain from the scriptures, certain beliefs, such as 607...have your info ready and bring up the fallacies recently outlined here...record their different answers? Do this on different topics, with different elders and let her hear the responses you get. Most JW's can't imagine how rude the elders can be!!! Most have no idea how badly you can be treated when you go in that little back room!!! (Just be sure to get a GOOD recording device so as to help cut down on static! You could even call them on the phone and have your answering machine on!)

  Swalker

  P.S. I think the idea presented earlier on finding out from your wife what it would take to make her realize it's not the "truth" would be the ticket you needed to pursue this further. You would know how to proceed....
• 

  jw

  My advice is for you and your wife to have a in home meeting with the elders and be honest with them. Explain that you still Believe in God and the Bible ( If YOU Do), but that you have to take time out From being their servant and spend more time with your family( if that is what you want to be closer to your wife). Search your Bible for all the scriptures that will apply to this issue and use them when you speak with the Elders. You are not doing any good forceing yourself to do Gods ministering to others if you do not have faith with your works.
• 

  blondie

  Don't go back. Realize that nothing you do or say will have much effect unless she sees the abuse herself. It's like trying to intervene with a drug addict or an alcoholic. No matter how good your information or examples, if they aren't ready, they don't respond. Some have to hit rock bottom several times.

  You will find it hard to go back...you can't wipe away what you know...ignoring it will make you untrue to yourself.

  I was out for almost 2 years before a really mean thing was done to my hubbie by the "brothers." Then he saw it was over...it was his choice...no chance he'll ever go back.

  It is one thing to "lie" or conceal things from others, but to lie to yourself..........

  Think on it, drew.

  Blondie
• 

  bennyk

  Drew,

  Disclaimer: I don't know your wife; the following may be truly lousy advice.

  Fish or cut bait. Right now you're just waffling. Do something dramatic and final.

  Discuss with your wife an issue that the Watchtower CANNOT sucessfully address. Get her to agree that the issue is meaningful and deserves -- indeed, requires -- a reasonable answer. Tell her that you will get a straight answer from Bethel. Send a certified letter to Bethel and let them fail to give a reasonable answer, or order your expulsion.

  Your wife will be unable to simply bow to the WTS' self-granted authority when she sees their "loving concern" up close and personal. What manner of Organisation persecutes people for asking a meaningful question?!?!

  Good luck and God bless.
• 

  Ingenuous

  Hi, Drew.

  While you've made up your mind, I just want to re-state a few things that mirror my concerns.

  You seem very optimistic about the potential outcome of your plan. It would be of tremendous benefit to your wife if it came off as you'd like. What worries me is that the risks to your wife may outweigh the benefits.

  As was already mentioned, one risk is destroying your wife's respect for and trust in you if she discovers your ploy. One of the most hurtful things those who leave the Org discover is how the GB and those they put in authority give the appearance of doing a particular thing for a particular reason when they really have ulterior motives. The GB also thinks they are doing the rank-and-file a favor. While your motives are good and you deeply love and respect your wife, will she see the ends as justifying the means - especially if she discovers your plan before she's changed the way she thinks? Will she be in a place where she understands the difference between your actions and those of the Org? What is the potential for unrepairable damage to your relationship? Is that a risk you're willing to take for you and her?

  The other risk mentioned is driving your wife in deeper. Your behavior and greater association with the congregation may provide enough encouragement to override the negative things she experiences. That is, after all, standard operating procedure for JWs. If she doesn't think and reason the way you'd expect - and she hasn't so far - you may do her more damage than good.

  I hope I'm just being pessimistic. I wish you and your wife the best of outcomes.
• 

  Narkissos

  Hi Drew,

  As you put it in your latest post that might not be a bad idea; just be aware that it might get you closer to df'd than MS in the next 6 months. You may indeed gain your wife's respect this way better than fading, but it's an uncertain bet. If it doesn't work you'll both know better what you are losing, and perhaps have less regrets. Whatever the outcome, I'd say if you feel like it just do it.

  Just a little question:

  -As a family lets start to study togeather more, using a wide variety of Bible based publications (WTS and non WTS material). I know she will have no objections to this.

  Why not just use the Bible?

  Best wishes whatever you do.
• 

  sass_my_frass

  Drew you're always so upbeat, and your cheerful face is always great to see. I'd hate to think of that happy face being put through what will probably be years of conscience-testing absurdity. I also worry about people who introduce a complex game to their marriage. I've noticed that honesty produces the least painful results.

  The idea would probably work, but I can't see it being less painful than a more direct approach.