Need Some Advice Please

lovelylil

Hi everyone,

As you know I have been posting for a while now and I want to say I am really enjoying it. I love everyone here! I have noticed many great minds out there and I am in need of some advice, I am looking for some ideas on how to handle a situation.

I left the WT with my family about two years ago now. Right before I left another gal from my KH got disfellowshipped. This was the second time in less than two years. Anyway, I had contacted her after I DA'd. At first she told me not to contact her because she wanted to work her way back to the meetings, as she still thought it was the truth. Then a few months later, she contacted me and we have been hanging out for about 2 years.

Anyway, this lady is totally bringing me down, which is hard because I am usually very upbeat person. I love people in general and would help anyone out. But, this lady is totally living in the past. She has been talking about her disfellowshipping for this whole time. Every time we get together. And she also talks about all the mistakes she made raising her kids in the org. (they are both out) and how it made her unbelieving hubby mean to her, etc. etc.

I mean, she is so negative and constantly brings up all the wrongs that she says were committed against her, even things from years, I mean years, ago. Whenever I try to offer advice she cuts me off in mid sentence and does not listen at all. It got so bad that I told her to please stop talking about the KH and the Org. around my kids because they are still healing and have moved on in their lives and my hubby and I have too. But she STILL brings it up all the time. I offered her books to read by Ray Franz, she declined. I offered her books I have on Cults, she declined. I invited her to my new church, she said no. Anytime I bring up the bible she gets upset. No matter what we do, have coffee together, go walking, anything, she finds a way to slam the JWs and her hubby and her life. My kids told me she is so negative and mean, they hate when she comes over.

I have been avoiding her for a few weeks now and not answering her phone calls. I know this sounds mean but I don't want to hurt her feelings and the last time I tried to talk to her about this, she got really angry and loud. She is very confrontational and I am the opposite. The last few times I ignored her calls, she drove over and knocked on my door. She lives a few blocks away.

I normally would not cut off anyone but I realized the other day that if not for the fact that we were witnesses together, I have nothing in common with her. And I usually do not hang around very negative people. I thought maybe she was depressed because of the WT, but my hubby feels she is just a negative person. I told her maybe she should seek counseling because I am not equipped to help her with her problems. I really dont want her around my kids right now either because she makes them remember all the WT stuff they went thru. They had enough negativity in the WT I want to protect them emotionally right now.

I feel bad because she considers me her only friend. Thats another thing, she has not made any new friends at all since leaving the WT, 2 years ago. Isn't this strange? How can I deal with this situation without hurting her feelings? Do I sound totally selfish for putting distance between us? Sorry this is a long post. Thanks everyone. Lilly

osmosis

Seriously, that woman needs counselling. As a friend you should tell her that.

Carmel

Doesn't surpries me she hasn't made any new friends! She's wearing out the old one fast!

A final frank, "all the cards on the table" statement with her by you, your husband and kids, kind of like an inttevention for addicts would be the only thing I could suggest. If she won't get professional help, at least protect your self from her. If she doesn't respond to the intervention, tell her you need your space, for ten years!!

carmel

geevee

She needs to read C o C, and see that it was all BS and then get a life.

bebu

Friends should have things in common in order to be friends (as opposed to acquaintances). She has just used you as a person to vent upon.

I think that time has proven that she can't really fit into an inner circle. You've got a family and their well-being which takes precedence over your helping her heal.

There is a time and season for everything... a time to gather and a time to scatter. I think you should let her know you do not wish her ill (in fact, that you will pray for her to heal from her wounds), but that you are not willing to have her over any longer.

I think you know that this is the right road, really. It's just that we don't take this one so often, it can seem like it may be wrong. Confirmation from others helps, though, doesn't it?

bebu

nelly136

you can't carry her forever, its not fair on you or your family.

sounds like shes settled in to using you for her venting and by letting her carry on shes not going to make any steps towards moving on. youre just gonna have to put your foot down and sooner the better for you and yours.

i know it sounds hard but if shes not gonna move on then maybe she'd be better off going back.i strongly believe some of em are too institutionalised to live in the real world.

bubble

She sounds like a total freak, get rid of her!

She'll probably end up going back to the KH and getting reinstated.

cognizant dissident

Hi Lil

I have a "friend" like that too. Many of my friends have told me I'm a good listener. So I like to believe it's true. I try to be patient and kind with people who are going through a "crisis". A few years ago, this woman popped by to see me regularly, and also invited us to her house regularly. But she was always in a "crisis" and wanted to pop by to cry and vent on my shoulder. It got to be almost daily, usually right at suppertime, and she was hinting we should ask her to stay. I finally needed a break and would try to tell her it wasn't a good time. But she wouldn't take no for an answer. So I started to not return her calls. She would leave hurt, guilt-trippy messages on my voice mail, like I was a lover jilting her or something. She constantly asked to borrow money, because she was always in a financial crisis too, although she always had money to go out and buy new clothes and stuff. When I wouldn't return her calls, she would just come by my house without calling. If I didn't answer the door because I was napping or in the shower, she would just walk in or if the door was locked she would stand outside the window yelling for me until I let her in. My son and husband ignored her or were downright rude to her at times. She kept coming back for more.

I don't know what to tell you as to how to get rid of someone so pushy and still be "nice". I think it is impossible because people like that gravitate to "nice" people because they are easier to take advantage of. I think the best way is probably to just tell her off and don't apologize and make up later out of guilt. Live with her not likeing you and blaming you. It will be easier to put up with in the long run than someone who is so obnoxious. Otherwise you'll end up like me. My annoying aquaintance considers me her best friend. My only salvation from her is that she got re-married and is now busy most of the time making her new husband's life miserable! You could always try fixing her up!

Cog

lovelylil

cog,

Your friend sounds like the same person. My friend also walks right in my home. She is already married and HATES her husband. That is one thing she is always venting about. She brings up the problems she had because her hubby was an unbelieveing mate and opposed her when she was in the WT. But, I pointed out that now she can work on her marriage because she is out, and she says she can't because she will always hate him. I am like, then leave him. Why stay in a marriage that you hate? Your kids are grown. But then she says she needs his money. It is always something. I think I will have to be nice, but honest about my feelings. Thanks everyone for your advice so far, keep it coming guys. Lilly

Spectrum

lovelylil,

My mother has similar negative traits to this woman. She is not as extreme but she directs a lot of her negativity at me, putting me down calling me useless and the rest. I'd finally had enough. She would never listen to reason, I implored her to stop her negativity, and all she'd say is, "but this is the way life is i'm just stating the obvious", so I was flogging a dead horse. Now every time she tries that crap on me I shout her down and it's really working she is too afraid to start on me in case I lose it and it gets physical.

I think your friend may need a short sharp shock to snap her out of it as a first step.

Need Some Advice Please

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