Why make such a big deal out of pot? If you've been into coke in the past, surely you realise that cannibis is not addictive or expensive and it doesn't f**k up your life like coke can.
I would say alcohol is a drug far worse then dope. It is a big misconception that all drugs are the same and that the legal ones must be ok simply because they are legal.
If you ask me, alcohol can really screw you up but cannibis in moderation can help you chill now and then.
My husband is smoking pot
by jurs 70 Replies latest jw friends
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ballistic
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Cygnus
I'm not going to get into the particulars of pot verses alcohol. I would like to briefly respond to your dilemma instead.
You say your husband becomes a blubbering idiot when he's high. This is exactly the reason why I do not smoke pot. I have tried it a couple of times, but I was apprehensive because I carry a good deal of anxiety with me in regards to my behavior and conduct. I don't want to appear as a blubbering idiot myself. So my pot experience wasn't very good, and I haven't tried the stuff again in quite some time now.
Now, that said, I don't think we can categorize all pot smokers into one exact mindset. When I think of the people I know who casually engage in pot smoking, most of them are very articulate, ambitious, dedicated and fun to be with. A couple of years ago I had an employee admit to me that he smoked nearly every night after work, and yet he was on time every day and did his job well. So it appears to me that if your husband is having tirades, and becomes immensely unreasonable, it has little to do with the pot. He might even be smoking the pot to settle down from some other form of substance abuse or emotional issues. He might also smoke the pot just to piss you off. He also might have some sort of physical malady which goes away when he's high or drunk, and it makes him upset that he has to resort to that behavior to deal with it.
As far as his alcoholism goes... I rarely go out drinking any longer. For one thing, I feel like an idiot when I go out, buy a few rounds, and come home with an empty wallet. I also smoke cigarettes when I'm at a bar and so the next morning I can barely breathe. And, I am extremely nervous about driving when I've had a few in me. However, I do drink beer at home. I don't drink any hard stuff, I can't even remember the last time I did a shot or prepared a mixed drink. But I like my beer. I like getting a little buzzed. What I've learned is that if I feel a little fuzzier than I probably should, I have a difficult time dealing with adversity. Or I feel lazy and just want to chill, and it is usually then when my wife wants some help with something, or brings up some bad news. Since I am not thinking clearly, or my ability to express myself properly has been hampered, I feel dumb and usually say something dumb. And then I regret it. Well, okay, I usually say dumb things even when I haven't had a few beers, but I digress...
It seems to me that people who don't mind acting like idiots when drunk or stoned have either very little self-regard, or they think tremendously more of themselves than they should. The former is how most of my acquaintances are. (The latter is how I am would be ;). And they will keep acting that way if it is allowed. Eventually they do something to hurt other people. Of course, we all do things that hurt other people, but substance abuse just compounds the hurt. If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with him and say, "Look, your behavior, particularly when you smoke and drink, has become unacceptable. It is my opinion that our family's values are being challenged by your conduct. I am of course more than willing to cooperate with you as best I can to keep our family happy and positive. I am sure you feel the same about me. So, how do you think we can deal with when you do (such and such) and I feel like I have to react in (a such and such manner)?"
Something along those lines. You say he has a temper. Don't antagonize him. Make him think about his own feelings, don't tell him what his feelings should be. Remember, you only have to put up with him some of the time. He has to live with himself all of the time. If you can get him thinking that he really doesn't like being with himself, then he will make changes. If he's convinced that he's satisfied with himself and enjoys his own company, well, then there probably isn't much you can do about it.
Good luck.
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larc
Were most of you stoned when you posted? The woman clearly stated that her husband is an alcoholic is now smoking grass on top of his alcohol problem. You come back and defend toking up rather than dealing with the larger problem that he may be becoming dual addicted. The woman is afraid for her husband and all you can say is that grass is cool dude. What is wrong with you?
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waiting
Thank You Larc.
And a big ((((((((jurs))))))))) - I've been there. I married my coming back to being a jw when he & I were 19. He started getting drunk on a regular basis when he was 13, graduated to drugs by the time 16 (all kinds - pot, LSD, etc., etc.), tried to clean up at 18, then came back to 2 packs of Marboro a day, either heavy social alcohol or pot, etc., until we divorced at age 30.
At home, he was never fully drunk or stoned. He just would stay out all the night, come home, pass out, wake up feeling & looking like crap, then do it all over again in a couple of days. He missed so much work, but was a good salesman - so he bounced from job to job. Btw, alcoholics & drug users abound at car dealerships among salesmen. They can still sell, have fluid money, and *help* each other (not all, but a lot.)
Did I mention the women on the side? No? Great fun to go anywhere with him and not know if I was meeting his other women. And I did - just didn't know it until after the divorce. He treated his women just as badly as his drugs - never hit us, just used what he needed, then disgarded.
He also dealt drugs, and did decently well monitarily, but he didn't have the emotional stability to be successful with it - neither did his scud friends. Oh! His friends - didn't come over much, I was the "bitch wife" who didn't do. After the divorce, I still had association with some of them - it's the life I knew. They were so surprised that I was "the screaming bitch, frigid, rancid, etc." Lol, I didn't even know to what they were referring at first - my husband's description of me. Btw, they were surprised because I acted normal - even better than their girlfriends. Hell, I was one of their girlfriends for over a year, till I could finally break from that lifestyle.
The term "addictive personality" wasn't known much 20 years ago. It is now - and I firmly believe that's what he was - didn't matter the drug, alcohol, women - he had to do "something", just flipped from one to another, approximately every 8 mos. or so.
Raising kids with someone like that - and not having the girl used as he did his women, get the same mindframe as his women? Quite a trick, even if a woman can identify the problems. Raise boys not to identify with their father's behavior? Good luck.
We were married 12 years, about 10 too long. But it takes strength to leave someone like that - it really does. His personality was so much more fluid than mine - able to turn black to white.....and I'd buy into it. Took a long time before I could clear my thinking. I finally left with my 3 kids, and it went well, but it was hard.
My best wishes and encouragement to any man/woman is this predicament. It's hard and not easy to get out of - but it can be done.....and the world ain't too bad. Trust me on that one.
Jurs, if you decide to stay, as I did - *wait* until my kids got a little older, I wish well for you. Either way, it takes time and determination.
Take care.
waiting
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Englishman
Hi Jurs,
Leave him, today. Alcoholics are - to quote T41self - simply emotional terrorists who live from one crisis to the next. Forget the pot, its not such a big deal. Go, girl, go!
Englishman.
..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.
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think41self
Hi Jurs,
If I understand you correctly, you are just saying that the pot smoking is the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't think you're being self righteous or holier than thou. I think you are coming to understand what it is you want out of life and are setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
Some of the others have already stated it for you. You have 2 choices. You can take care of the problem now, and get on with your life...or suffer years longer and still take care of the problem later.
MANY alcoholics go into treatment and recovery and are able to be wonderful spouses and parents. The key question for you is, does he admit that alchohol is causing a problem in your relationship and is he willing to do something about it? Treatment and recovery? If not...AND THIS IS ONLY MY OPINION...then whatever more time you spend with him will be wasted. Only you know your situation. I lived with my alcoholic spouse for 15 years. If I knew then what I knew now, I wouldn't have wasted those 14 YEARS after I discovered the problem.
I wish you well, whatever you decide. Just remember, you cannot control his drinking or make him stop...he must WANT to and be willing to change. YOU must do what is best for you and the kids.
Please keep us posted how you are doing.Tracy
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think41self
P.S. Thank you Eman but I must in all honesty say that most of what I said comes from my husband's writings on the subject.
I thought I should give him due credit or he might spank me
Tracy
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SixofNine
I concur with those who say to focus on the alcoholism and don't worry about the pot. Just from an ethical/logical standpoint if nothing else. It does seem to me your priorities are a bit out of whack if you have been ok (not good, but ok) and dealing with the alcoholism, but are outraged about pot. Perhaps you are looking for that "leave it to beaver" crap a bit too hard? Make no mistake, it is crap. Try more for "leave it to Jurs and family"; --each family is unique.
Do what is best for you AND your kids. Obviously, the alcoholism must be met head on. If it can't be, then I guess your only good choice is made for you.
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Julie
please check your e-mail jurs.
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Pierced Angel
He is robbing you and your children of the life you deserve. That shows he cares more about his simplistic desires than what the whole family needs to be happy, healty and strong. He might get better, but he probably won't change, you need to decide if it's worth it or not. You know, pot destroys some of the brain that causes people to be empathetic and that's not something that's helpful to a relationship. It makes you have to be the "grownup" , the "mother" and it's not fair at all. Is he responsible at other times and in other situations? Does he help you with the kids? You have to weigh all this carefully and decide if it's an overreaction or not.
Of course, all the people who smoke pot regularly are going to support it, so don't let that fool you. If he was addicted to watching tv non-stop instead of being there for you, what's the difference? It's disconnecting from the family and from the spouse, pure and simple. From what I've read of your posts, you sound like too much of a caring, interesting person to have to live in that situation by choice.
Alcoholism is one of the most selfish diseases (not to discredit the pain of the alcoholic) there is and everyone suffers. Let alone, it has to be hard for you to be around pot or alcohol, even moderately considering your past problems. I wouldn't stand for it at all. Kids know way more than you think and he obviously doesn't care that he's not being mature or responsible.
Can you take a temporary vacation and get away? Can you move in with a friend till he decides if he's going to take you seriously?I wrote that rather quickly and emotionally because I've been in that situation and it's very hard to "talk" or work through things with someone who doesn't give a damn and just wants to float through life without any cares or goals in life. My husband almost died due to heart complications and the doctors told him they were brought on by drugs (including pot). HE stopped cold turkey (even though I had begged for a couple of years prior) and he has changed into a much more mature person over the years. It's too bad that nothing else seemed to be enough to make him quit. But, at least he's seeing how much more interesting life can be without added stimulants.
I hope for the best for you,
Anne
"When caught between two evils I generally pick the one I've never tried before." Mae West