BUT, I can't work out what to believe now. I don't want another religion and I'm not going looking for one. I just wonder if anyone has/is been like me. I feel like I haven't got a clue now.
Yes I have been like you, are like you, I left the org in 83, 23 years ago after being raised in the troof. You have a world of resources at your finger tips that I never had, the innernet. I could tell you that I dont think there are any answers out there, but that wouldnt help you learn to think for yourself,
You say you havent got a clue now. You cant work out what to believe. Heres some choices.
There is a god. There is no god. We evolved, we didnt evolve. We are gods. We are not gods. Life has meaning. Life has no meaning. Life is what you make it. Man came from another planet. The gods are spacemen. God will take care of you. You will take care of yourself. All religions want your energy and money. All religions dont want your energy and money. You can get something for nothing. Someone else has the answers that will make you happy. No one else has the answers that will make you happy. Happiness is the destination. Happiness is the journey. We are spirits having human experiences. There is reincarnation. There is no reincarnation. The bible is full of contradictions. There are no contradictions in the bible. You cant know god without knowing the devil. God is love. God is the cosmic joker. Jesus is god. Jesus is not god. There were many messiahs born to virgins before jesus. There were not many messiahs born to virgins before jesus. On and on and on.
The deal is when you go down one of the above roads thats your story, at least for the time being. And you tend to believe it, sometimes vehemtly, sometimes radically, sometimes passionately. But it dosent make it the troof, just your reality. This is the pleasure planet. Welcome to the forum of many truths.