by truthseeker 71 Replies latest jw friends
Warlock,
I've actually asked her to do this, but she says it's up to them if they want to call me.
The elders in my hall don't care what my problems are - they just want bums on seats at all costs. I never get a phone call from them, because they're business people, not shepherds.
Here is just a bit of what my wife sees but still insists she in in God's org.
This is all only with immediate family
1) My wife's son, about 7 at the time, was molested by a witness that we considered a friend. The boy came to us early one morning crying and saying he has done something bad. We got him to tell us, and convinced him it was not his fault. (It had been going on for a while). My father was/is an elder and they were having an elders meeting that morning. I put my wife and son in the car drove to the KH and just walked in and interrupted their meeting. I told them that out of respect to them and my wifes beliefs I would let them know first. I told them what had happened and that I was going to the police. (One older elder, who to this day I love, started crying. The others were just silent.) I also said that if I ever see the man he would be a dead man. It seemd to me that this bothered some of them more than my boy being molested. (I am no bad ass, but I am well skilled in the martial arts) I went to the police, went through the whole process, and they arrested the guy. The elders did their "investigation" , my father and another elder interragated the boy for two hours one night. It got to the point that I had to put a stop to it. My father had a fvested interest in this as the molester was my dad's "Son he never had", since I left to org. Two months later the molester was mad a MS. To this day my father has a picture of him and the molester in his house - and yes this does upset my boy. The dectctive told me to watch my back as they, the elders, were going to say that I made the boy say at and that I was the molester. Well three years later I was told that had happened. There is a lot of detail missing but you get the idea.
2) My wifes brother is a womanizer big time. She has said to me numerous times that she would not be suprised when he gets AIDS. He goes to bars to pick up women constantly. But he is still in good standing.
3) My wifes brother-in -law was accused of molisting tow witness girls when they spent the night whit his daughter. It was after a party where he had been drinking heavely. Well we tried to stick by him because he was not the first one that thei girls mother had accused of doing this, he was about the forth. Well about 5 years later my wife was at her sisters house and her brother-in-law was drinking and he starts hittying on my wife and at that moment she believe the two girls story, and told him so. Also her sister has almost left her husbane many times because of his drinking, the elders know of all this, yet he is in good standing.
There is more to all of these, yet that is enough to see the falsehood in this religion.
Truthseeker- it is possable to keep the marrage going and it may be hard at times, sometime people don't want to face the real truth as it means they will have to make a decission that is hard. Your wife says she "doesn't want to be as miserable as you". Well my wife says the same thing, only I wonder who is really more miserable? My misery comes from seeing people misled and lied to by a religion, hers comes from having to justify in her mind, all non JW do evil and no JW does evil, yet in her congragation and in her own family the oppeset is true. Yet she has to convince herself in her heart that all is ok becaues she is a JW.
Sorry this was so long.
It would be just to take the pressure off of HER, so they would eventually stop asking her. In other words, to put it on yourself. Does she understand this? You know they aren't going to call. It's just for her.
Warlock
If your wife is sick and tired of "covering" for you, perhaps the best response for her to give people who ask where you are is "I bet he'd love to tell you himself. Why don't you give him a call??" It takes the heat off her, and puts the onus on the other people to take positive action, which you know they probably won't do. It also reinforces to her that what happens between you and her needs to stay between you and her.
Then when nobody calls, it will become clear to her that she was only being used to fuel the gossip machine at the Kingdom Hall.
That's what happened when I stopped going to meetings. People would ask Mr Scully if I was still sick (I was - I had postpartum depression), but when he mentioned that a phone call or a visit from them might help me feel better, he may as well have asked them to stick a fork in their eye. It didn't take him long to see that JW Love™ is all talk and no action.
I don't know if changing congregations is an option, but that would probably stop the questions and reminders from others.
Also, would your wife consider marriage counseling?
Serendipity,
We have considered marriage counselling, but we already know the problem - the therapist will simply point to the religion as the source of our problems.
Your situation sounds a lot like ours 11 years ago. Even though I knew all my elder husband's research was correct, I was so angry with him for ruining everything. It makes no sense, looking back on that time, but that's how I felt.
Fortunately, he was extremely patient with me, never failed to tell me how much I meant to him, and showed me infinite patience.
So I suggest you do the same. Tell her and show her your love all the time. Stress the things you have in common, other than your past religious views. That part is too negative.
It takes time. Be very, very patient.
We have considered marriage counselling, but we already know the problem - the therapist will simply point to the religion as the source of our problems.
Having been in marriage counseling with a JW, I can almost guarentee that this will not be the attitude of a marriage counseler. Furthermore it sounds like you and your wife have decided that the religion is the problem. Maybe it's not, Maybe its possible to maintain the marriage, raise children and not make the WTS the center of your marriage. Having been an expert at dissapointing my wife, I can only say welcome to the club. I am a leader in my family, just not by JW standards. My kids are going to college. Counselling can work....try it by yourself first. Good luck!
Dear Truthseeker:
I was in much the same position as your wife. My husband gave up on being a witness years ago. However, due to much pressure from me, he continued attending the meetings and field service. I would say to him, "if you can leave Jehovah, what will stop you from leaving me." If we would have continued in this course, we would have been divorced.
When my husband wouldn't come to the meetings with me the ones in the hall would give me that pitiful look of "Oh, you poor thing, your husband is such a loser." I hated that look and it made me angry at them and my husband. He hated attending the meetings and when he did he had this awful look on his face that told me he hated every second of it. So, I would get mad at him for that too. With me, he could not win for losing. He had it bad if he went and if didn't.
I knew of all the things wrong in the organization and knew that things weren't right. I figured it was just the evil slave doing the harm. But I was caught on one phrase, it kept me going and kept me hoping, "WAIT ON JEHOVAH".
My recommendation is this, break down that wall. If you can get her to see that Jehovah isn't behind this religion and that it is just another false religion it might break through.
The only other problem I see with your situation is that it seems like she actually has friends in the hall. I didn't. It was miserable attending the meetings. It was miserable trying to figure out what you did so wrong that would make you so unlikeable. Maybe you can try to figure if these people that she claims as friends are really that.
I am sorry for your situation and hope that it gets better. If you would like to speak to my husband or myself about this please PM and I will give you our phone number.
Loruhamah
truthseeker -
My wife and I left together, so I have not dealt personally with the issues you have. But if I might offer a suggestion?
Have a quiet conversation with your wife - don't encourage, reccommend, direct her in any way. State firmly and with conviction that you, driven by integrity to priciple, simply cannot support the witness religion. That you love the brotherhood, but that to play the shell game of pretense is not what you feel you can do. At the same time, express your deep and abiding love for her, and your respect for her decisions in the matter. Emphasize your conscience, your integrity, while carefully not implying any lack of it on her part.
I am afraid, my friend, that in the end, there is only three options, when all the cards are played. Divorce, unitedly leaving the religion behind, or a seriously divided and dysfunctional relationship.
Put your cards on the table, be honest. Then leave it alone and see what she does next. My bet is that with that conversation in her mind, and her already knowing what she does, that it won't be long before she admits the need to think it through and make a stand.
The real problem as I see it is fence-sitting. You, out of fear of losing her. Her, out of fear of loosing community. Neither of you really believes it is the 'Truth'. So the issue is comfort, and leaving is never comfortable at the start.
For what it is worth. Good luck my friend.
Jeff
