Need advice - marriage in crisis

by truthseeker 71 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  truthseeker

  Thanks everyone for your advice, it's already being put to good use.

  As long as my wife feels that Jehovah is in charge of the org, there's little I can do except put into practice the advice given here.

  Gary, I know you mean well, but religion is the problem - it's not like decieding to stop going to Church on a Sunday.

  Consider the weekly activities of a dub.

  Daystext - every day

  Prestudy for 5 meetings

  Practice intros. for service

  Go to all 5 meetings

  Go out on service. Do RV's, Bible studies

  Have a family bible study

  Study with the kids

  Do personal study

  REPEAT 52 weeks of the year - if I was to quit going to meetings who knows what would happen?

  I don't do much of any of this now, and it's causing problems.

  Sometimes I do the silent passive approach - I say nothing - the fact that I'M NOT DOING what I'm supposed to do causes problems in itself.
• 

  unique1

  You know, I used to lie and say my husband was ill all the time as well and it makes you feel crappy for lying to all your friends. So tell her to be honest. When someone asks why you didn't come, tell her to say "He just didn't feel like coming tonight." This baffles most people so they will ask, Is he sick? "No, just didn't feel like coming, he is probably watching TV or something." Elders may press and ask if they should come by for a sheparding call, to this she can reply "Thanks for your concern, but no thanks. He is a grown man, if he wants to come he will, if he doesn't want to come he won't. I don't think he needs a sheparding call. " If they press even more, simply say no thank you and walk away. This will make her feel better because she is not lying and people will eventually stop asking why you aren't there. It worked for me.
• 

  truthseeker

  Unique1, I might try that.

  I feel for my wife who has to constantly give them excuses. A lot of the time I am ill, so the excuses are valid.

  I'm already getting those looks at the meeting.

  You see, this is what I figure - I'm a msytery to them.

  Most JW's like regularity. They like to know other people's business. They feel comfortable when they know someone's routine.

  But my actions rattle them. They look at me as if to say, "we can't work you out Bro. Truthseeker, why do you miss so many meetings yet always *look* happy at the hall?"

  When I do go, they seem to accept my excuses, but others can't figure me out and try to draw me out as to what's wrong.

  I never allow myself to be cornered by the elders unless a friend is present - this way, they can't ask me private questions.
• 

  truthseeker

  Dido,

  It's different when the unbelieving husband has never been a witness.

  When he is a witness, the worldview of JW's are that they along have the truth, means that the one who leaves is doing something destable to Jehovah.
• 

  juni

  God I feel for you truthseeker!

  This damn religion!!!!! I know exactly what you mean. Even when we were in, if someone missed a meeting or all of us weren't there, people started getting nosy. Yes there were those that were perhaps honestly asking how you are when they saw you again, but for the most part you were made to feel guilty or they had this look about them.

  I don't miss that at all. By the time I left I felt like the air was being sucked out of me by all of the control and guilt trips they like to lay on you.

  Sounds like you have good ideas as to how to handle your irregularity.

  I just don't know what to say truthseeker. I feel bad for your situation; it pisses me off extremely.

  Keep posting here so that we can keep you upbuilt. Others in the same situation as yours have offered fine words of advice and encouragement.

  I wish you the best and peace.

  Juni
• 

  truthseeker

  Thanks Juni!

  Yeah, they only ask me why I'm not at the hall when I'm at the hall!
• 

  juni

  They are so robotic truthseeker, aren't they?

  The term "Borg" which is used here is so appropriate!

  Hang in there!

  Juni
• 

  LovesDubs

  I remember when I first decided not to go to meetings any more. I came right out and said it to my JW husband and he freaked saying I was going to die and I wasnt going to be in paradise with him and the kids and all this crap. I hadnt even at that point DAd and he was already saying I had left Jehovah and my E-ticket to everlasting life. And lo and behold HE stopped going to the meetings because all of a sudden it was HIM who had to come home and shower and dress and clean, dress and feed three kids and gather the books and the baby supplies and tend to the children at the hall which was ALL THE STUFF THAT I ALWAYS HAD TO DO ALONE. And POOF...he stops going to meetings too. And had the BALLS to BLAME ME for him not going...saying that my being an apostate depressed him so badly he couldnt go...WHAT???? Never in 9 years have I ever stood between him and that hall...not ever. Taking the KIDS? Yeah I put the kabosh on him taking them because THEY decided THEY didnt want to go at age 13 and 15. So instead of going himself...he chose, to this day, not to go at all. We live a STONES THROW from the hall and he still doesnt go. But when I DIDNT GO TO MEETINGS...I was SATAN.

  freakin hypocrites.
• 

  jgnat

  My favorite bits of advice:

  Scully's....fill in the gap in her social life. Work on the relationship between the two of you. And Garybuss:

  Get to a pragmatic, solution oriented, marriage / family therapist.

  I'll tell you why. You married two women; there's her natural personality and the Jehovah's Witness put-on personality. It's this put-on personality who has been fighting you so hard. Stop trying to convince the JW part of her that she is all wrong. It will only make her more stubborn. As Alpheta said, you are going at it too hard.

  The more you bring out her natural personality and address her natural self, the happier she will be. And the sooner she will discard the useless shell of the WTBTS. It seems you are both working and growing apart socially. Find reasons to spend more time together as a couple. This will alleviate her loneliness and help her field the pressure from the organization. Personally, if my hubby gets a lot of pressure about me not showing, I go. Once. Gets them off his back for a week or two. Could you do something similar? If an elder hounds you as to why you are not attending regularly, how about looking him dead in the eye and saying, "Do you really want to know?" If he persists, say, "I do not want to stumble you."

  Have you read Steve Hassan's books? Please do. He will help you distinguish the woman you want to keep from the life you want to discard. If you can afford it, I would even suggest you take him up on his counselling service.

  Complete his case evaluation form. If you do not intend on using his services, please still answer the questions. It will help you define the problem and give you ideas for where to go next.

  https://www.freedomofmind.com/forms/caseevaluation.htm
• 

  detective

  You married two women; there's her natural personality and the Jehovah's Witness put-on personality. It's this put-on personality who has been fighting you so hard. Stop trying to convince the JW part of her that she is all wrong. It will only make her more stubborn. As Alpheta said, you are going at it too hard.

  The more you bring out her natural personality and address her natural self, the happier she will be. And the sooner she will discard the useless shell of the WTBTS

  .

  Excellent assessment Jgnat. Learning to recognize the "authentic" personality and the "cultic" personality is a huge help in learning how to deal with a high-control group member. I'll tell you, it was the single most important factor in beginning to help my beloved out of the group. When I first started to peck away at his beliefs- even in a subtle manner- I didn't realize there were "green lights" and "red lights" that I could pick up from him that could help guide when my comments were likely to be most effective. I learned to look for physical signs in his demeanor, his facial expressions, his eyes that would help me to better understand when I could approach his "authentic" side and when to lay off and let it be for the moment(thanks to Hassan's books, which really helped). I also very rarely touched upon specifics of the witness beliefs. I found it was much more useful to talk "innocently" about other religions (well, okay- cults- but I liked to call them religions...)

  I knew it would be a long haul- not an overnight transformation- so I attempted to plan it out as best as I could. Over months upon months I began to slowly attempt to unravel the hold upon him that the 'tower had. Of course, 9/11/01 occurred and, aside from the immeasurable sadness on a much larger scale, I think it triggered a gigantic cult-clutching fear in him that completely up-ended my cool, calm and collected plan. So things went haywire- but then ended up okay again- probably because I had helped weaken the hold of the group over so many months.

  It will take awhile- it's a tug-war at times... You can do this, truthseeker.