Gotta get this out today.

by purplesofa 31 Replies latest jw friends

  • purplesofa
    purplesofa

    I don't know where to begin to say what is all bottled up inside me. I may need to be on another forum, but I have come to respect the posts and input of so many here, and trust.....so It may be jumbled, and may take starting a few topics to fully get it out.

    I have already posted about my youngest brother committing suicide. I have another brother also.

    My mother divorced my father I am guessing when I was five or six. I never saw my father again until I was 11, and then never again after that. He did try to contact me once as he was dying and wanted to leave his kids (three) something. Apparently he owned three businesses in Kansas City....not sure if it is Missouri or Kansas. My mother would not let him know where we were so consequently, I never got to see him again, After all this time I am assuming he is dead. My siblings and I have tried to find him through the years but have been unsuccessful.

    My mother remarried and had a child(brother that committed suicide) Her husband adopted my other brother and raised him. This man also committed suicide. So the father and his son both committed suicide. The living brother had more of a desire to find his real father.

    I am not sure how it all came about, but in a heated angry outburst my mother fineally told my brother that even his father that all these years we thought was his real father is in fact not his father at all. He has a father different than me and my sister.

    So my brother .....had a man that adopted him, looked for a father that was not his father afterall, and now finds out a whole different story. He is destroyed. She will not tell him anything. How it happened, who he is, is he alive, does he even know about him. She did tell my brother his name. We do not know if my real father knows that my brother is not his either.

    I remember when my brother was born and my real father was there at the hospitol with my mother.

    In the year 2000 my mother was baptised a JW. I know for myself, before I was baptised, I wrote letters apologizing for past behaviour and did like a confession thing to have a clean conscience before God. I suppose not everyone does this.

    But when confronted about this my mother has been tightlipped and angry that my brother cannot forgive and FORGET. Although, she has never apologized to anyone that I know of ever.

    My mother is a full time pioneer and the congregation she is in, thinks she is just wonderful. She goes out and preaches to help people and leaves her own son living in confusion and misery. He is getting counselling, as our brothers suicide really put him over the edge. (I will tell this whole story another time.)

    It all just makes me very sick. I find that people in the organization that refuse to deal with family matters because they have labeled thier relatives as worldy is the by far the cruelest thing. My mother will tell my brother he needs to get right with God, He drinks and she holds that against him. And all I can think of is......I would be drinking to if I had all this on my shoulders.

    Thanks for letting me get this out. It is a relief for me. It is difficult to talk to anyone here about this ......as I have distanced myself from the witnesses and would not want to tell new friends a wacked out story like this.

    peace and love,

    purps

  • purplesofa
    purplesofa

    I want to add...........

    I offered to write or talk to my Mother about this situation, to plead with her to give my brother the information he needs.

    To have him call me and cry and sob as he does.......40 years old over realizing how he has been lied to all his life on top of losing his brother who was also his friend. He also took over some of the fatherly duties when my step dad committed suicide.

    He said he would appreciate anything I could do to help.

    It's a very delicate situation. I am sure there is alot of hurt, shame, guilt that my mother is feeling. It would probably help her as well. I empathize with her feelings also.

    purps

  • Satanus
    Satanus

    That's a lot for you to be carrying around. My sympathies to your brother. Your mother may be using the wt religion as an escape or even the drug of her choice. It sounds like she has serious denial issues, lies to herself a lot. A self centered bitch, to put it in 3 words or less.

    S

    Ps, should i edit out the last line?

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    When you need a shoulder to cry on, please come to the forum. Very sad, touching story. You had previously asked about encouraging your mother to stop pioneering and deal with this. It sounds like pioneering is her choice to avoid dealing. Be supportive of the rest of the family and be ready for mom to really have a breakdown.

    If you cannot handle all the drama, then don't try to. Just say you are there to listen, not able to solve all their problems.

    Find some peace, a way to relax. Consider a vacation or a weekend getaway.

  • nsrn
    nsrn

    Wow, Purps, that is a load to carry. To find out what you thought was true all your life is a lie is soul-shaking for everyone. I hope your brother is getting good counsel, including dealing with alcohol. With that strong a family history of suicide, it seems dangerous to add alcohol to the mix, but self-medication is so common. And then your mom playing the role of the admirable pioneer must really push his buttons--any yours. I have no profound advise, but much empathy for the roller coaster insanity of a family with skeletons. Hang in there, and just be glad that your life (and your kids) won't have this trauma. As I am so fond of saying, it stops with our generation. HUGS!

  • purplesofa
    purplesofa
    A self centered bitch, to put it in 3 words or less.

    S

    Ps, should i edit out the last line?

    No, when I can tell the part about two suicides in one family........it goes Beyond Bitch.

    purps

  • parlay
    parlay

    Perhaps sharing these two articles of the very same magazines your mother distributes will help her see

    her role in getting the healing started.

    ***w9311/15p.30WhyAdmitaMistake?***

    BeQuicktoAdmitaMistake

    An apology is usually appreciated, especially if made quickly. In fact, the sooner we admit a mistake the better. To illustrate: On October 31, 1992, Pope John Paul II admitted that the Inquisition had acted “mistakenly” 360 years ago in punishing Galileo for asserting that the earth is not the center of the universe. Yet, postponing an apology for such a long time tends to diminish its value.

    The same is true in personal relationships. A quick apology can heal a wound caused by an unkind word or deed. Jesus urged us not to delay in making peace, saying: “If . . . you are bringing your gift to the altar and you there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar, and go away; first make your peace with your brother, and then, when you have come back, offer up your gift.” (Matthew 5:23, 24) Often, restoring peaceful relations simply requires admitting that we handled matters wrongly and asking forgiveness. The longer we wait to do this, the more difficult it becomes.

    ***w7211/1p.644BeBigEnoughtoAdmitaMistake***

    In view of such examples, why should it be so difficult for individuals to admit to making mistakes? No human knows everything; we all keep learning. Time and again, due to insufficient knowledge, we make mistakes. Or, then again, we may make mistakes due to our emotions getting the better of us; we may have let some prejudice or wounded vanity cause us to respond without first using our thinking ability to evaluate the consequences of our words or actions.—Prov. 5:1, 2.

    Being willing to admit a mistake is the right course, for it leaves one with a clear conscience. It keeps us from being on the defensive or attempting to justify our mistakes by saying, “Nobody is perfect.”

    Being big enough to admit a mistake is also the wise course. Even as noted with the children who complained about their Dad’s not admitting a mistake, by our admitting we made a mistake we make for better relations with others, be they our fellows, our superiors, or inferiors—that is, organizationally speaking. And by admitting the mistake it will impress it so on our own mind that we will be less likely to repeat that mistake, if for no other reason than because of the humiliation that was involved.

    So be big. Be big enough to admit a mistake. Be willing to say, “Yes, that’s right. I did make a mistake and I’m sorry.” Then try very hard not to repeat it.

  • parakeet
    parakeet

    Lately, it's just been one thing after another for you, ((((purplesofa)))). I hope talking about your problems here helps a bit.

  • jgnat
    jgnat
    So my brother .....had a man that adopted him, looked for a father that was not his father afterall, and now finds out a whole different story. He is destroyed. She will not tell him anything. How it happened, who he is, is he alive, does he even know about him. She did tell my brother his name. We do not know if my real father knows that my brother is not his either.

    I've read case files like this. To deny a child their heritage is a terribly cruel thing. To deny a dying man visitation with his children is unconscionable. A woman like your biological mother cannot be relied on. Don't trust that woman ever again. Stop begging her for the truth. You can't be sure if what she is saying is real anyhow. It seems many of her actions are out of spite. The man who was your biological father may very well be your brother's as well. She may have said such a thing simply to keep you children from searching for your dad.

    I'm not sure what state you are in, purplesofa, but there are agencies who specialize in reunions. Adopted children also often want to investigate their roots. There are birth records and hospital records. There are reunion websites. And these days, there's DNA testing. A good agency will also provide reunion counselling to help with the emotional repurcussions. Maybe the absent parent is a disappointment. Expectations can be dashed. People need help working through all this.

    Considering your mother's behavior over the years, I figure any new parent would be an improvement. Then the cruel hold she has over you and your sibling's hearts can be severed.

  • purplesofa
    purplesofa

    Thanks parlay for the article, I think I will start my letter to her with just those articles.

    parakeet you are so sweet

    I hope talking about your problems here helps a bit.

    It does help alot........thanks

    jgnat thanks for your comments and info.
    This comment made me feel sick inside as it is so true

    Then the cruel hold she has over you and your sibling's hearts can be severed.

    It opens up a whole lot of old wounds never dealt with.

    OTWO.......you have the most gentle and caring comments......Thankyou......The org is losing a good man.

    If you cannot handle all the drama, then don't try to. Just say you are there to listen, not able to solve all their problems.
    Find some peace, a way to relax. Consider a vacation or a weekend getaway.

    nsm

    And then your mom playing the role of the admirable pioneer must really push his buttons--any yours. I have no profound advise, but much empathy for the roller coaster insanity of a family with skeletons.

    Oh, he has gone off on her about the religion. He told her the people at Your church do not know you. They do not know the real you. He thinks it is all a big joke. When my mother was baptised, The first thing I thought is that "Anyone can get in this religion"

    purps

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