by waiting 37 Replies latest social humour
A few that have slid down the board a little....
Waiting's Never-Ending joke thread is here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=2942&site=3
Bugeye's joke thread is here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=5267&site=3
LOL@Darius fights back!!!!@running into old friends.
Hope to chat soon,{{Caole}}.
{{{Seven}}} A chat sounds great! Maybe we can get a few or the crew together soon(when everyone's healthy).
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky
Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us
this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If
you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not
change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the
Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50
million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give
us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support
many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and
I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales
the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If
you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our
daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100
million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says,
"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that
KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Hey Caole!
You're as wicked as ever - and twice as funny! I haven't any new jokes.......so thanks for giving me a grin, as always!
waiting
Just a few deep thoughts .....by Steven Wright:
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why
don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be..
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above
me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Hey Waiting...great seeing you again! I was just going through some old(very old) email files, and have been finding a few jokes to share...stop me if you've heard these before(I'll try not to post the really wicked ones) I hope all is well with you and yours Take care Waiting!
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, etc. In
short, everything they could think of. FINALLY, in a last ditch
effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on
his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead he went straight to
his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all
over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother is amazed.
She calls him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he is done he
marches back to his room without a word and in no time he's back to hitting
the books just as hard as before.
THIS GOES ON FOR SOME TIME.
Finally, Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the
table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation,
his mom looks at it and to her surprise....Tommy got an A in math!
She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says,
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. Then she asks, "Was it the books,
the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?" Tommy looks
at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy
nailed to the plus sign... I knew they weren't fooling around!"
Following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is
a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because
he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake Circumcised
the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by
Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian
and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist
who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx Brothers
How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity and Drive Other People Insane
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your boss is the same gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Insist that your e-mail address be: [email protected]
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In"
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc. in
the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there,
lean back, rub your stomach and say, " You've got to be faster than
that."
Put decafe in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up
the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Don't use any punctuation.
As often as possible, skip rather that walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Sent to me by Patio:
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily; "Fix the light, Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right. To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks up to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him? "
She replied, "Hellooooo.......do you see Betty Crocker written on my
forehead? I don't think so!"
