Never Ending Jokes - Part II

by waiting 37 Replies latest social humour

Caole

hehe..."do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"...good one Waiting
A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the engine of a V8 Esprit
when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in the shop, standing off to the
side waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his Lotus.

The mechanic called across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over
here for a minute." The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
a little contentiously, "Doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work
as well as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and I
are doing basically the same work?"

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it when the
engine is running."
Caole

The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why
US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut.
When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate
and insisted, "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!

Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all
the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
take the train to Hawaii?

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain
the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted
me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her
response....click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked, "What was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said, "He was expecting an
ocean-view room." I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the
map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map.

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her
flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried
to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not
understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went
very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your
bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who? I said, "No, why do you
ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a
tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any
connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it,
(I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said,"Yea, whatever."

A woman called to make reservations,"I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back
with,"I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the country
and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted,"Oh don't
be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! The agent scoured a
map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo,
do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Caole

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice..but pigeon-toed,"

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls, so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "she's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"

So they were wed right away. Nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest baby you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.....pregnant when you met her."
AMarie

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4-yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your
order?"
___________________________________________________________________
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
___________________________________________________________________
Ever notice how a 4-year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K.to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad but when I was expected home, to please not sleep with Mom that night.They
said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's
arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said
loudly "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the
waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
waiting

Hello AMarie,
Nice to meet you - this is a fine area kept basically in good running order by Caole and Seven - Masters of the Jokers.
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Words that would warm any parent's heart......... Guess better than "This is a holdup" eh?
Welcome.
waiting
waiting

Howdy! The following was sent to me by Patio - who supplies me with chuckles.......
Damn It's Good To Be A Man
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves
Chocolate is just another snack
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch or fart is practically expected
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of Thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He's mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Damn, It's Good To Be A Man
Caole

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.
Caole

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror...the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"
Caole

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Caole

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrived at her house, they went right for the bedroom. Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her bookcase. After they had sex, Randy turned to her and said, "So ... how was I?" "Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

Never Ending Jokes - Part II

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