my very personal history!

weary

My history: I grew up as one of JW's. Parents are still. Both brothers have been df'd. I still hanging in there, if u can call it that. I can't bring myself to end it. I've done many things wrong and in secret - NO ONE KNOWS! I feel as though I've lived a lie my whole life. I'm forty now and still act like a child! Hiding my real self. If I were to confess my sins I'm sure that would be it for me! Every day I think about my imminent condemnation and eternal death. I have to drink heavily just to relieve my tortured soul. If you were to meet me you would think I was the life of the party and no cares in the world but behind it all is a very damaged little girl seeking unconditional love thats nowhere to be found. Do you know what I mean?

Fe2O3Girl

Dear weary, Welcome to JWD!

Your posts remind me very much of myself twelve or so years ago. There is hope!

Believe me, I am sure the majority of JWs have a whole catalogue of stuff they wouldn't want their "brothers" to know about.

The WT burden is not light, and their yoke is not kind. Why?

All the best -

Rachel

daystar

{{{weary}}}

I'm sure many of us, most of us, know precisely what you mean...

Don't be too impatient with yourself. It will take time. I've been out for fifteen years. And while most of my life has reached a level of normalcy, there are still things I find I have to deal with directly related to my having spent the first 18 years of my life enslaved to the WBTS.

My point being, there is hope, but it takes time and work. You are not alone, not by a long shot.

MsMcDucket

Weary, being in that religion would drive anyone to drink! The religion has warped your mind so badly. There is nothing wrong with not believing in that religion. Jehovah or God will not hold it against you. They have made you feel like you're a goat. You're not. You're human. Those men at Brooklyn don't control God. My mother would tell me (She was not a dub.) that God loves all of his creations, and that "the blood of Jesus" covers over our inequities. You know what I mean?

Stop believing that the Witnesses are the only religion that God loves, and you should be able to start forgiving yourself for not being one.

Legolas

I'm forty now and still act like a child! Hiding my real self. If I were to confess my sins I'm sure that would be it for me! Every day I think about my imminent condemnation and eternal death. I have to drink heavily just to relieve my tortured soul. If you were to meet me you would think I was the life of the party and no cares in the world but behind it all is a very damaged little girl seeking unconditional love thats nowhere to be found.

By what you just wrote...Do you really think that the JW's have the 'truth'?

Well they don't...It's all a lie!

Just sit back, read the 'Best Of' series, ask questions if you want and you will quickly see for that yourself!

gordon d

Damnit Weary! You stole MY story!!! Except for the tortured little GIRL part... well sometimes... maybe just a little.

WELCOME to the board, You're among friends now.
Just get comfortable.... and get real.

If you need some one-on-one attention and listening, there are several members of the "AGAPE" class here... You can even PM me or even give a call.

Gordon

P.S. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE Ms. MOUTHY!

Warlock

Except for the growing up as a J.W. part, I joined up, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Warlock

Cindi_67

NO ONE KNOWS! I feel as though I've lived a lie my whole life. I'm forty now and still act like a child! Hiding my real self. If I were to confess my sins I'm sure that would be it for me! Every day I think about my imminent condemnation and eternal death.

I am so sorry about what you are going through. First of all I would like to introduce myself to the board. I am a newbie. About 7 months ago, I decided to stop attending meetings. I got baptized in 1984 but grew up as a JW. Because of very intimate and personal problems I had as a child, I always felt that my life has been controled by others and that I never had the guts to make decisions for myself. Always wanting to please other people, always doing what everybody else decided was best for me. I don't have a problem with some teachings of the Organization, but I do have a problem with having to hear all the time that this or that is "not appropriate" or that your decisions, based on your conscience or your own resposibility, are not decisions of a "spiritual" person.

I will relate a story and will try to be brief. About two years ago I attended a Circuit Assembly where, in one of the parts, a married couple was interviewed because they were an example on how a christian can be tested in regards to the BLOOD issue.

They explained that they had a daughter with Leukemia. I didn't hear any explanation about them having to choose to give her a blood transfusion or anything, which might have happened, but their experience finish with them saying that their daughter died because they refused to give her a Bone Marrow transplant. I could not believe my ears. To me, that was the icing on the cake. I couldn't understand the fact that, if transplants are a matter of conscience, why use it as an example of "faith"?

To me that was it. I started to drift away, having a sense of worthlesness, that I have always felt. My suggestion to you is, don't live a double life, come to terms with who you are. If it means to be df'd, then so be it. If your heart is set to serve God within the JW's organization, then confront your "demons" and do what is right. I know how it feels to think that, because of your decision, according to them, you will be destroyed in Armageddon. But I also refuse to accept that god is that frivolous and does not care about how we are not bad people and are struggling to do our best to serve him. Stop being afraid, and do what you got to do, and don't pospone it anymore, your depression will be more severe if you do. If they can't help you, help yourself and try to realize who you are and what you want of your life. I had to do it. I thought that my attendance to the meetings was all of because of fear and not genuine love for Jehovah. And I still feel that I need to get to love him even more. Not out of interest, but from warm and heartfelt love for him.

I hope you work things out.

vitty

For years I felt trapped, I didnt understand why, that was when I believed it was the truth but in my heart I knew something wasnt right. But I blamed myself.

After I found out the truth about the organization, I went into panic mode, different emotions ran through me for a long time but gradually I have got control of my life. Not all the time , things and issues still emerge.

But remember you are not alone here, many ppl will have experienced what you are going through and they are out there ready to help and support you.

gordon d

Hi Cindi,

Welcome to the board.... EXCELLENT response!!!

I'm glad that you're here and willing to share

It's so encouraging to hear that there are people who have been through so much trauma at the hands of the self proclaimed "God's Chosen Ones" and yet they have still retained their faith and trust in HIM! Take hope, If you truthfully seek Jehovah, he WILL show himself to you! No Matter what!

For Weary,.... Please don't kick yourself for living a lie... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! Your eyes are open now... Praise GOD and move forward! We'll cheer you on and (((Luke 15:10 In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.")))

my very personal history!

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