Tough love with full grown kids, I am so tired.

by restrangled 38 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  bikerchic

  ((((((((((restrangled)))))))))

  Hang in there I know how tough it is having raised 5 myself.

  If you can, get him to a counselor. He has very real (but treatable) problems. A professional can guide him in making the right decisions to move on with his life.

  There were times raising my 5 that I had to get outside help not only for them but for the family, it is a family system problem where you all have to learn how to change and do things differently believe me everyone suffers especially the quiet ones in the family. Please consider getting family counseling you won't regret it.
• 

  restrangled

  Jeff,

  Thanks so much for your input...We were very close to what you are experiencing now. My son got into a fight, had his nose put out of joint, we just paid for the MD bill, and he announced that he wanted to go "kill" his assailant. We talked him out of it, filed a report with the police, and then I was told he thought his girl friend was pregnant.

  I told him don't you dare do the first, and don't you dare have your girl have an abortion, I will take care of the baby if need be.

  Turns out neither came to fruition but the stress is incredible, every morning I woke up thinking it was just a bad dream....... I admire your stamina, and love. I look forward to being a grandparent, but I need the kids out first!

  Much love and Strength sent to you and your wife. You are both much admired.

  Take care Jeff.

  r.
• 

  Tyrone van leyen

  Tough love, isn't that the kind of love the watchtower is famous for? Any kid growing up in this, I can gaurantee you, is fed up to the gills with it. Establishing identity in a rule oreiented house, is common among teens and a natural part of development. This development however becomes delayed in many a witness home. At some point a parents job becomes more of a guide and unconditional love is important to the exploration of a cruel world. I would love to have had you as my parents. I never received anything from anyone even as a witness. I didn't even know about welfare and slept in my car {which I paid for while working after school. I lived by every rule ever invented by these shitheads and got nothing more than a boot in the ass when leaving home. In the end I turned into absolutely nothing that they said I was. It was there fears, and consequently they lost 20 years plus of my presence and are now dealing with very angry adults. I personally don't beleive in rewarding bad behaviour. Cause and effect must be learned sooner or later. Reward the good behaviour and trust that this is just a learning expereince however long that it lasts. Do not equate love with giving. Sometimes giving is only a bandage for things you cannot express. Perhaps it is time to back off and see if his real love is motivated by his comfy life, or the merits of his soul and character. Abscensce makes the heart grow fonder on both sides and will be the new starting point for a new relationship and new understanding of each other. Let go and stop torturing yourself over things that will inevitably fix themselves. Your trust and understanding will go a long way and he will better be able to define himself without any hinderance. The only thing i'm against is evil for the sake of evil. This I will reject a family member for.
• 

  AuntieJane

  r, it is obvious that you have enabled him. I'm guilty of the same thing, as are so many others. Let him go; if he wants to come back make one of the requirements professional help. and stick to it.

  Tell him you love him too much to let him keep going on the track he is on. He will be a better person for understanding himself. My daughter put us through hell and when she finally got into therapy she was a changed person. It might be something he will always needs; she has gone on and off for several yrs and is now 24. I see a real maturity now, but there is still room to grow. Thank God we don't have any of those little grandkids that so many people our age are raising. I could not do that. My body is tired, my brain is tired, it would be awful for them and me. Please stay strong, you and your husband need to stop helping this kid. It is not fair to him or to your family. You want him to be the person that has values that you were taught. Not be a taker in life. Good luck.
• 

  Abandoned

  ((((((restrangled))))))
• 

  JWdaughter

  I have an almost 19 year old and I could see our lives travelling in parallel paths. . .except I am too broke and too tired to have put up with it beyond 18. We told him if things didn't change, then he needed to move out. He did, he's managing and the only thing we are paying for is car ins. Which we will NO LONGER pay for, now that he has made the decision to move in to my BIL's house, rent free, so that he can afford a loan on a cool car (he is on his 4th car now-we did not buy any of his cars for him-little old ladies gave him 2 of them!!). We are SO not going to enable that silliness when he is supposed to be going to school-and the orig. reason he gave my bro in law (he of the big house) for moving in was that the apt. was expensive while he was paying for school/books/etc. So he dumps the apt and gets a car pmt???UGH. He has got to learn, and I can only give him some of the lessons. Chuck is going to get a few of his own and pass them to Ryan. My kid is the super smart, vocally talented kid too. We had serious worries when he was born because of Group B. Strep, and were told that there could be some emotional/mental issues. I don't know if any of his dumb decisions have anything to do with that-I doubt it. He will be a Junior in college at 19, and while he could get straight A's, he lazes it out and gets mid B's mostly. He shows up when he feels like it-to work and school. He got tired of me asking him his schedule, then blamed me if I didn't wake him up in time! Oy. Kids. So we stopped playing the game, and will be totally out of it the minute he buys a car on time.

  IMO, and you can take it for what its worth to you-let him go and take care of himself. If he messes up, he will dig himself out-or not. He is a grownup now-even if he isn't acting like one. I wish you and him well. I know this is hard, but it's time, you know?
• 

  under_believer

  Jesus H Christ, you people, my oldest is 8 and this thread is scaring the living daylights out of me.
  
  Any words of wisdom on preventative maintenance for avoiding this kind of outcome in the future? I have absolutely no experience with that kind of behavior. Seriously, I was a model kid, never gave my parents a lick of trouble (until I decided the Witnesses didn't have the truth), was fully financially self-sufficient at 19 and have been ever since (with the exception of a two-week period when I was 20 and lost my job, had to move back in for a couple of weeks and then it was right back out again).
  
  /shudder
  
  How am I going to sleep tonight?
• 

  JWdaughter

  Don't they say you should start things the way you want them to finish? Start up now teaching him personal responsibility and respect for others. Don't be a wuss like me and let them overwhelm you with their beauty, talent, brains or charm-or anything else. I let mine make me feel insecure about my decisions and he lacks respect for me-because I lacked respect for myself. A lot has changed! It would have been better if I had understood those things when I was a young mom-better for him, his dad and me. Most kids grow up fine-and restrangled and I and Jeffs kids are all likely to learn their lessons-some harder than others-and they will come out ok. Life is a series of lessons, right? Teach a lot now so that you can relax after they are grown up (physically). Be confident, be strong and present as united a front with the other parent(s) as possible. Sleep well now, cause once they are teenagers, it will be much harder-no matter how much you do everything right now! Thats my free advice. In ten years, you can send me a check for what its been worth to you:)
• 

  Scully

  Does he really need a car? Why not let him figure out how to ride the bus instead? That's not "tough love". That's teaching him to live within his means, not yours.
• 

  Gill

  ((((((((((((((( restrangled ))))))))))))))))))))

  Time to draw the line, I think! He is not a child any more. Support emotionally by all means but NOT financially.

  We have our older two, 20 and 22 still living with us BUT they pay their own way and we regularly encourage them to get their own place or move in with their other halves. They both have long term boy and girl friends so we are insisting they move in together SOON! Oh! And no fancy big weddings in the future unless they're paying for it.

  I have a son with some medical problems, but I left home at 19 with my own medical problems. I worked with my husband full time. My mother and father NEVER helped me out with those problems, in fact they told me to shut up about them. ( I had a, what turned out to be a serious cardiac arrythmia problem. I was very lucky to survive it being undiagnosed because my parents were to ashamed of my falling ill to get it checked out properly). To be honest, as tough as it was I and we stood on our own two feet and went hungry when we couldn't aford much to eat. We learnt independence the hard way. Your son CAN do that too. Don't be constantly wiping his ass! You don't need to!