by restrangled 38 Replies latest jw friends
Greetings Restrangled,
Your son sounds like a spoiled brat, who's time has come to leave. Throw him out! I've just had to throw my son out who's 21 for unruly behavior. As parents, we need our own piece of mind. We should not compromise our principles, and let these "New Generation" brats, who've been handed everything take control of what it's taken a life time for we as parents to achieve.
Dismembered
Too right, Dismembered!
Why do so many parents allow their children to abuse them?
If you do not respect yourselves, Restrangled, you and your husband, your son will not respect you.
You no longer owe him anything, except love.
My husband and his brother have been treated completely differently by their parents. My husband is an absolute sweetheart for whom his parents have literally never done anything to help him from the age of 18 on wards. They now shun us and our children, as we no longer go to meetings.
However, his brother, who is 36 now and sounds similar to your son, they have continued to 'help' and meddle constantly with his life and interfered with his marriage by constantly 'helping' and just trying to be there instead of letting them get on with their own problems, muddle through and learn. As a result, his brother is constantly broke, as he knows he can go to the limit and be bailed out by his parents. It has wrecked his marriage and basically he's an all out loser and his wife at breaking point.
Butt out Restrangled. He'll get on just fine! So he goes hungry? that's his problem. So he gets into a fight? HE pays the consequences.
Can you honestly keep wiping his arse? Cut the cord!!!!! For your own sake if not for his!
I come from a family of abuse; I'm the oldest. I took in my younger brother and sister in their early teens. You can imagine how little prepared we all were for that arrangement. But I concentrated on skills that they would need when I was no longer in their lives; cleaning, laundry, cooking, keeping a budget, earning money, going to school and doing their best, and having fun. Both decided that did not want to go to college so they both got associate degrees. They both have decent jobs, can keep their families out of the poor house.
I did not want them trapped financially living with me. The goal was for them to have their own homes. I knew that without the above, that the world outside would not be as kind. That a roommate might not take it kindly if they "borrowed" their vehicle or didn't pay the rent or utilities or found that their roommate had eaten their food.
It wasn't alwayrs roses; my brother was caught breaking into a house with his cousins. He was 18 at the time. I told him that one more time and he could go live with his cousins. He's a good boy at heart but easily lead but still he knew I meant it. No more hanging out with his cousins either. I guess a night in jail did more than anything I could say. All of us had been abused by our father and had isues that hindered us at home, but we worked together on it.
Those days were long ago, both are in their 40's finding out how hard it is to raise teenagers. I do believe parents need to be firm on certain things at home, especially those things that will be expected of them away from home. Loving children means seeing the good, but also seeing where something needs to be nipped in the bud.
Blondie
Jesus H Christ
Un-Believer, I didn't know He had a middle initial.
Jeff
How are you feeling today, Restrangled? My heart goes out to all the parents who have posted so far.
We too have had to practice tough love with our eldest, and spent many nights in tears and prayer. My heart was always torn between love, mercy, and (truth be told) anger, disappointment, even a sense of betrayal. ("How dare you behave this way in light of all the love and support you have been given?") And then I remembered my own mother saying the exact same thing to me, and me being totally self-absorbed and not understanding that my actions would have this effect on anyone else.
We did get her into biblical counseling with a NANC ceritified counselor. It was a very good move and maybe this is something you could check out if you are Chrisitans.
There is that balance we all need to achieve between loving and letting go, some days it is easier than others. Life seemed easier when they were little enough to hold in your arms, but I remember those all night sessions with a sick baby,so I have to say each age has its' trials. However, part of parenting is in preparing them to face the big world on their own--we should be working ourselves out of a job, so to speak, of primary caregiver. Maybe a heart to heart talk with your son would help? "I know that in the past we have....but we realize that in order for you to grow and become the adult that you need to be, it is time to....."
I want to thank everyone for sharing their personal stories through this thread and by private messages. It helps to know there are so many going through the same thing. Too bad we all can't get together once a month for some group therapy!
Just an update, I tossed all night worrying about being too hard, checked on him this morning and here he had left last night to go camping with his girl friend. So he's not nearly as upset as we are. Both my husband and I have decided he cannot have the truck back, we have expended enough energy, money, and patience. Its not fair to us or his younger brother who is 19. We will leave it up to him if he wants to move out (which he already stated he would be out in 2 days)....apparently after he gets back from his camping trip. Either way he will have to finance his own vehicle and anything else he wants. We will contribute towards school as long as his grades stay up.
Again, thanks for all your kind words and personal stories.
r.
It doesn't neccassarily feel better when others are suffering anymore than we, just like a cold, but at least you know that you are not the only ones. Some actually have it worse, mocasins thing, right. Wish you the best.
abr
At the risk of going too far off topic, AK - Jeff (by the way my handle is under_believer, not un_believer):
Technically speaking I don't believe "He" had a last name either, since the Jews used patronymics rather than surnames at that time. "Christ" is, of course, a title, not a surname. He would have been called "Jesus, son of Joseph."
I just think it's funny to say "Jesus H Christ" and I like to imagine the H stands for "Henry." Brings a smile to my face every time.
Good Luck R. But be prepared for him to work you down into giving him another chance. Stand on your
feet, you and your husband. Be sure you and your husband talk it over again and are a united front. That is
So important.
