Do you have kids truthseeker ?
Not talking about JW stuff has the opposite effect - regression phase
by truthseeker 39 Replies latest jw friends
-
-
truthseeker
Hi, thanks for comments.
It's very difficult right now. If I say nothing, she thinks I'm OK with it all. If I protest, I'm disrespecting her beliefs. If I ignore something, she thinks I don't like it but I'll go through with it.
I can't win.
-
Rebirth
Hi truthseeker, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I disagree w/the posters who said that a person who doesn't leave after being presented with the facts is "dumb." My husband is extremely intelligent and has been presented with very convincing elements but yeah know what? When it comes to the control of family, there is no measure. My psych has helped me to understand the power of family over decisions, he sees it all the time and it can never be underestimated. I also find that my husband says that he is weak but believes Jehovah is cleansing the organization and that the scriptures that talk about people engaging in the works of the flesh, well that is applied to the congregation. My point is that there will always be some way to justify not leaving. I've given up and just hope that as our girls grow he will let them do what they choose to do and I will be here to present all the options to them.
You've gotta take care of yourself and if you find that your partner is no longer respecting your right to believe as you wish, it is time to get out. That is my line in the sand, if he tries to control what I believe or teach to the girls, our marriage is over.
Good luck!
Rebirth
-
Rebirth
One other thing regarding the regressing back in. When something is pounded into your head at least three times a week, it is hard to break free. JWs know this, that is why they make meeting attendance a huge issue. Most of the people who leave started by spending time away from the organization and actually seeing it w/o rose-colored glasses on. That is classic cult mind-control for you.
-
Shawn10538
By continuing to go out in service and attend meetings you are giving her false hope. It's time to speed up your rate of fade. GO. LEAVE. STOP IT NOW. STOP PUSSYFOOTING AROUND, STAND UP AND HAVE SOME BALLS! STOP GOING TO MEETINGS. STOP> JUST STOP> NEVER GO AGAIN. You are sending a mixed message. If you realize the WTS is as evil as hopefully you do, then why do you continue sullying yourself. You are selling out because you can't even take the stand you want HER to take.
-
garybuss
The thing that's always kept me from making a change is fear. Fear of the unknown is worse than the reality of the mess I'm sitting in. The $hit I'm sitting in is nice and warm and familiar. I'll stay in a bad deal rather than get out of my crappy comfort zone.
Often there are considerations . . . like children and finances. -
truthseeker
OK, here's my cards...
Shawn, you have an excellent point - why don't I just leave?
The reason is, that my wife has many friends and aquaintances in her congregation. She is on good terms with all the elders. It was the congregation she grew up in.
I go, not to give my wife hope, but to keep the friends from bothering her about "why isn't your husband here."
Folks, it's sometimes true - if either spouse STOPS going to the hall completely, the other spouse may be shunned or at least any association with them will be curtailed.
This is especially true, IF it is suspected that the spouse who is fading no longer believes it's the truth,
If the spouse is suspected of apostasy, then the other spouse will be embarassed and feel very awkward when they go to the hall.
For years now, I have maintained the status quo as best I could. I never told my wife I only went to the meetings for her until recently. I couldn't bring myself to do it.
There is a great danger she may tell the elders how I feel, and if that happens I'm screwed - I still have some family who are JW's, and I'm on good terms with them.
I guess it's like pulling a tooth - you can do it the old fashioned way and pull it yourself or you can go to the dentist and have it done with less pain.
The result is still the same.
If I stop going, I will have two elders round my house within seconds of my wife telling them I'm inactive. I don't want to answer their questions. I don't want to talk about it. There's nothing to disucss. What could they possible tell me that could convince me they have the truth and everyone else doesn't?
I go to please my wife, keep the friends from bothering her and from bothering me. It is a close knit congregation.
Guys, it really isn't easy, and some on this board have it worse than I.
It's easy to say, leave and never look back - if I wasn't married I would still lose members of my family who would shun me. Ultimately, I have to make the decision.
-
truthseeker
Another issue is that while acknowledging that "men have made mistakes" she still think Jehovah's spirit is there.
I said, "surely after a century of lies and coverups Jehovah's spirit would be anywhere else but JW's"
what can you do? It's so beaten into her mind that JW's have the truth and noone else does, I can't get round it.
She dismisses all their mistakes.
I told her, "if men make mistakes, then Jehovah is to blame, as they say he speaks through the GB"
-
Fatfreek
I said, "surely after a century of lies and coverups Jehovah's spirit would be anywhere else but JW's"
She dismisses all their mistakes.
Ah, yes, the mistakes alibi. What you said is absolutlely correct, the "lies and coverups".
What she said is not correct if she calls such lies "mistakes". Mistakes are willful and intentional. I have never read one piece of WT text where they equate their mistakes with lies. Further, I have never read where they have admitted lying -- only that "mistakes were made". My mama once told me when I was growing up, " There are honest mistakes but there's no such thing as an honest lie ".
Therein may lie (no pun intended) your future strategy. Pick your battles and make sure they are completely objective (lying or coverups, since you can prove these by using their own writings). Avoid subjective things and these are actually the bulk of what we mostly argue about -- how the JW's interpret the Bible and their own role as representatives of the Creator.
You must remind yourself continually, yes it's easy for me to say, that you are in a unique position as an insider. The Society hates me because I DA'd, but because they don't actually know your true feelings, strongly dislike people like yourself -- but can do little about it. Your standing within the congregation allows you to chip away from the inside and inject thoughts to your wife and other family members and friends at certain times that are impossible for folks like me, an outsider.
Finally, if you choose to fade, do like others have done and fake the depression thing. That, they say, has kept the elders at bay.
Fats
-
blondie
I can't believe that your wife hasn't seen unkind things said and done to members of her congregation, by people who should know better. I'm sure she has some points of cognitive dissonance that she has mentioned.
It is amazing how dense we can be before we wake up to reality. In my case, finally people I thought were truthful but misguided, people I had know for 40 years revealed how they knew it was a lie but they were willing to keep telling lies and hurting people to save their own behinds. There was no way I believed that these people would sacrifice a second of their life for me.
But it took me 15 years to get to that point.
Blondie