by nicolaou 39 Replies latest social family
Just feeling a bit fed up. It's not always like this I know but I'm wondering if life would be far easier for me and my wife if I just drew a line under all my efforts to maintain a relationship with my JW mother, brother and sisters. All the rejection, judgementalism and condescension gets a bit much after a while.
How many here actually said 'Goodbye' to their JW family and can honestly say they did not regret it?
It's funny with me - my JW family has NEVER been active in my life. Growing up, my mother's TWIN brother was an elder (he still is too). I was a child, being raised by his unbelieving sister and never heard from them, although they lived nearby. They never called to see how I was doing or if I needed anything. And although we were usually assigned to the same conventions, they never bothered to ask if I needed a ride - nothing!
When I married into a witness family, I thought great - now I'll be part of a spiritual-fleshly family! Ha! The joke was on me - my inlaws were never really part of our lives. They live out of state, never call, visit maybe once a year, etc.
I know that if we ever DA, 1 - they'd never know and 2 - they probably wouldn't care.
I just have a JW sister, to whom I recently sent my letter of disassociation. I don't regret finally letting her know how I truly feel about the Watchtower Society, but I do regret how I worded some of the letter as I was not very nice in the letter. But my emotional state when I wrote the letter was one of being fed-up with her severe emotional issues, some of which are promoted by the WS. And I guess since I'm always learning more negative crap about the JW religion, I am just plain fed up with that religion in general.
So in hindsight, my advice is if you write any letters--wait a few days before you send them!
I said goodbye to my mom when I left JWism. I havn't talked to her since. It is going on 3 years.
I have a sister still in but she doesn't push the stuff on me. We don't talk about it at all. I email her here and there but don't talk to her in person.
The only time my mom and I were close was during the time I was a JDub. I come from an abusive background so I didn't grow up being close to her. I do NOT feel like I have lost something. The relationship we had that was based on JWism was just that. And since I am not one and don't believe it anymore then we really have no basis or foundation for a relationship. I am not one that believes just because she birthed me that I am automatically beholding to her in some way. I hope that she has peace and I have a measure of love for her but she is not good for me and my daughter at this point in time. Maybe one day I wont feel that way but as for now ...
I can't tell you how you would feel by leaving family behind. It seems like I am NOT the norm when it comes to how I feel and act regarding family. I see family as people too. And if the person is healthy for me and me for them then great "let's hang out". But if not then I am not trying to hang out rather they are family or not.
But that's just me...
I wish you well!
Smiles
I wouldn't say I've put relatives behind me at this point. I'd say I respect their right to disrespect me and people important to me. I don't respect them personally when they disrespect me and people important to me.
I don't welcome them into my home when they disrespect me and people important to me. I leave initiation of contact to them and I welcome them as long as they accord me the same level of respect they demand for themselves.
I have a one strike and you're out policy.
I've enjoyed this policy for over a decade and I've very comfortable with it. A person just gets to reject me once and they never get another shot at me as long as they're alive.
My conflicts all start and end on the same day. I've been raised in the Witness culture and I've seen it work for almost 60 years. I have absolutely no tolerance for the methods and the madness.
Greetings nicolaou,
I agree. The divisiveness brought on by family members due to their Watchtower brainwashing does get old. That being said, I refuse to cower. I won't back down. Some will go to their grave and not even hear my side of the story. So be it.
Dismembered
My family is so dysfunctional the only way to stay healthy is to stay away. Do you understand emotional blackmail. I got tired of the game about ten years before I left the WTS. The shockeroo may be that even if your family weren't JWs, their treatment of you may not even change. Just done for a different reason.
This information was gathered by Lauren LaBate, a crisis volunteer and a student of a Victimology course. She also did a review of the book entitled Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, Ph.D.
COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
(1) Demand--someone wants something
(2) Resistance--the other is does not feel comfortable with the demand
(3) Pressure --used to make the resistant one give in
(4) Threat --to turn up the pressure
(5) Compliance--on the part of the resistant one
(6) Repetition--this pattern reoccurs in at least other situations (just with a different name)
TYPES OF BLACKMAILERS
(1) The Punisher--very direct about their demands, clearly state the consequences
(2) The Self-Punisher--uses threats of self harm to manipulate the resistant one through fear, obligation and guilt
(3) The Sufferer--the martyr who believes they’ve done everything for others and suffered because of it and don’t hesitate to remind them so they will feel sorry for them
(4) The Tantalizer--uses bribery, knowing they have something the other wants
EMOTIONS FELT BY VICTIMS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
They feel insecure, unimportant, unworthy and generally bad about themselves
They doubt their ideas and needs
They feel isolated
They may have consistent physical ailments as a result of the stress
They always feel as if they in a FOG unable to think clearly as a result of being manipulated to feel Fear, Obligation and Guilt
TOOLS USED TO CREATE FOG
Making demands seem reasonable
Making the victim feel selfish
Labeling with negative qualities and connotations
Pathologizing or crazy making
Making a demand that needs an immediate response
Allying themselves with someone of authority or influence i.e. parents, children, mental health professionals, religious leaders etc.
Comparing the victim to a person that the victim does not like or is in competition with
Learning the victim's "triggers"
Assess how much pressure to apply before the victim will give in
CHARACTERISTICS OF THE VICTIMConstantly seeks approval
Does their best to avoid anger and keep peace
Takes the blame for anything that happens to others
Has compassion and empathy
Tends to feel pity or obligation
Believes they need to give in because it is the “right thing to do”
Has self-doubt with no sense of their worth, intelligence or abilities
CHARACTERISTICS OF AN EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILER
Has great fear of abandonment and deprivation or of being hurt
Feels desperate
Needs to be in control of things
Experiences frequent frustration
Has thought distortions regarding the reasonableness of their demands
Has had someone emotionally blackmail them and sees that it works to get them what they want
WHAT IS NECESSARY TO STOP EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
The victim must begin to look at the situation in a new way.
They must detach from their emotions.
They must realize that they are being blackmailed and that it is not appropriate for the blackmailer to be treating them in that manner.
They must make a commitment to themselves that they will take care of themselves and no longer allow this abusive treatment.
They need to see that a demand is being made on them and that it makes them uncomfortable.
They must determine why the demand feels uncomfortable.
They must not give into the pressure for an immediate decision.
They must set boundaries to be able to take time to consider the situation and to look at all of the alternatives to make the decision.
Finally, they must consider their own needs first for a change, in this process.
An additional note here: We now have a message board for others to discuss their issues of abuse, in the link below.
This Book Reviewed
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Yes, and yes.
Some of them have decided to still talk to me. cool. some havent. I have made new family to replace them. no big whoop. if they ever decide to remember the humanity of the situation, then i'll be happy to accept them back as my family.
Thanks for the link Blondie.
I haven't put mine behind me, but their emotional abuse is pushing me in that direction....I have felt very emotionally sick the last 2 months.
Codeblue
I mentally said "good-bye" five years ago knowing full well anything could happen. In the last year, some have implemented the shunning, which bothers me a little, but not very much because I expected it.
I wish the family could be together like we used to, but not enough to return. I think they are using the big guns right now with me hoping I'll be scared or shamed into returning. For that reason alone I want no part of this religion. I think it's "their loss," and I'm sure they think it is "my loss."
It's all a challenge...filling in the void etc. But not enough to go back.
