I was adopted into a JW family, so being that there were no blood ties, when I got disfellowshipped five years ago, there was no love lost at all. The only time I was a true part of that family was when I was gun ho involved. As soon as I started to see it for what it really was and slacked off, I was invisible again. As far as I'm concerned, it's their loss. We could have been civil. At least then they could have seen their "grandchildren" grow up. Now they have nothing.
Have you put your JW family behind you? Are you content with your decision
by nicolaou 39 Replies latest social family
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done4good
Like Blondie, I too come from a very dysfunctional family that I pretty much gave up on long before I left the dubs. They were irrational THEN, I certainly have no desire to talk to that wall of insanity NOW.
j
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Cordelia
i wish i could be strong like lots of you guys, i'm on the brink of getting reinstated doing it totally because i cant live with hurting my family anymore and to be honest i'm scared i know it would be easier to stay dfed i have a bf i have no intenion of losing etc but i cant hurt mt family anymore tho i know i'm being stupid aas i want to leave when im reinstated AND KNOW THEY'LL STILL BE UPSET
GOD ITS CONFUSING and to be honest nic i agree it would probably be easier to break all ties .....i just know i couldnt do it!!
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nicolaou
((((((( Cordelia )))))))
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ferret
It will be 27 years this June that I lost all of my family parents, siblings. and children and grand children that I have never seen and now even great grand children so this has effected 4 generations of my family. I have made new friends that I know are real true friends so I cannot say I miss my family that much, but I guess we never stop loving our children. I have left messages with them that my door is always open if they decide that they want a relationship with me. So I suppose I have left my family behind and have moved on.
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Madame Quixote
((ferret))
((cordelia))
((nic))
What a headache and a heart ache.
I am glad most days to be free of that FOG mentioned in Blondie's post.
Cordelia and Nic, you are definitely experiencing the effects of that emotional blackmail/FOG = fear, obligation, guilt. It's abuse of you by your family.
If you're willing to put up with it, then no one here will try to stop you.
My issue was one of "familiar pain" too. I have no regrets about my decision for no contact with my JW family, but I do feel sorrow from time to time.
I wouldn't be human if I didn't.
It's very hard to stay away from what's familiar - even when it's painful it seems somehow "safe."
Isn't that a paradox?
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nelly136
i cut off the larger part of my family a few years back, my only regret is that it didnt occurr to me to do it sooner.
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AllAlongTheWatchtower
I grew up in the WWCG, which is similar to JWs, they also practice shunning. My oldest sister to this day is the black sheep of the family and will never be able to reconcile with my parents. She commited the sin of marrying outside the WWCG, and later had a divorce. (Which my parents more or less took the attitude that it was just a natural consequence of not living right.) I myself left the whole family behind for a number of years, by choice and by happenstance, while I was in the military. I had been DFed from the WWCG when I was 13 for "not honoring your father and mother, and being a potential bad influence on the other youth". Too many details could potentially spoil my anonymity, so I will just say that I was involved in a court case and testified as a witness, when the church elders thought I should have shut the hell up. I ended up a ward of the state, probably the best thing that could have happened to me at the time. I cut all contact with my family.
Only after many years had passed did I go back to see them, and begin to mend old bridges. By then, unknown to me while I was off in the military, the WWCG had gone through a meltdown and no longer existed in it's form as I knew it. That is quite possibly the only reason my parents and I have been able to reconcile, even then it was a bumpy road at times. To this day, I just wish my father in particular, would just acknowledge that he was wrong, or say something about those screwy days of my childhood...I dunno...an apology? Something of the sort. But instead, the past is just ignored, and I let it be ignored, because the alternative is to destroy the fragile relationship we do have at this point.
I'm kinda left in the middle, as the only person in the immediate family who has contact with everybody... and sometimes I'm specifically told "you can't tell this to x person". It can be a hell of a balancing act. I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier to just stay away, terrible as that may sound. And had they stayed in WWCG/Armstrongism, we probably would not have even what little of a relationship we do have, today. I also had to put up with all the comparisons of being "the prodigal son" and other such BS. Though, as my father was quick to point out; the comparison wasn't really valid since I had no remorse for my "sins".
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sass_my_frass
a) I think that's what's happening at the moment, I've come to realise that Mr Frass and I are more important to me than they are. I feel obligated to them in some ways, but knowing that they don't feel the same towards me in any way, I'm not going to chase that up.
b) yes; it certainly hurts to know that I have to let go of them, but it's better than trying to hang on.
I won't be the one to cut them off; but some have told me not to contact them and I'm not going to beg them to change their minds. My folks 'allow me' to email, they'd let me call too but I have nothing to say to them, so I will just keep emailing them with small talk unless they tell me to stop. They don't reply. That's me fulfilling my obligation.
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nicolaou
the past is just ignored, and I let it be ignored, because the alternative is to destroy the fragile relationship we do have at this point.
AATW: I understand your sentiments of course and have 'collaborated' with the 'just ignore it policy' for as long as I can stomach but I just don't want that fundamentally dishonest relationship with my family. I am not a problem that needs to be fixed.