Letter from my mom. What do you think of my response?

by reneeisorym 37 Replies latest jw friends

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  reneeisorym

  I invited my mom two months ago to my wedding. She never responded and then today I get this. What do you think of my reply? Tell me BEFORE I send it in case you have any suggestions. (I am a Christian by the way)

  Renee

  Mom's E-mail:
  ____________________________
  Sorry, last week was very hard on me it was one year ago Wednesday that I lost you. I hope that you understand. As a mother this is something that I will never get over. About your wedding I feel that if I come it will put a dark cloud over it. See this is something that I dream of ever since you were born is your wedding day. We would go pick out your dress, flowers, invitations. So, this is a day that you need to enjoy and not worry about me being there. How could I be there and not be walked down the isle, not give you a hugg hold you so tight that it hurts. Your dad give you away. It would kill us just to see you so close yet so far away.

  But we are fine doing good. Your dad was gone 3 days last week on a convention for pest control.

  Got to go. Come back to us.PLEASE.

  My reply:
  ____________________________

  Its ok. I think I understand. I'll miss you terribly and with or without you there, I'll still be thinking of you two. I am really excited about the wedding. Its like one last step to having my life back together. For the first time in my life, I'll be happy to be who I am. I wish you two could be proud of me more than anything in this world but even if you never are, I'll have a new family and they will love me for who I am. If you don't want to be part of my life I can understand but know that I will never stop praying for you as long as you are alive.

  Mom, its not as simple as just coming back. If I did come back, I would have to lie that I believed all of their teachings. After actually reading the Bible and learning that what jehovah's witnesses teach is not what the Bible says, I just can't pretend to believe it. I hope you understand that. You always said that I was a smart girl.

  Your Daughter,
  Renee
• 

  Fe2O3Girl

  Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding Renee!

  I think your reply is very kind, maybe a little too gentle. I assume that you haven't excluded your father from giving you away, but he has excluded himself?

  I am sure that you have already told your mother this, but I would spell out in your reply that you haven't left them, they are always welcome in your life, and that you certainly haven't left God. I like your comment about always praying for them.

  Best wishes,

  Rachel
• 

  reneeisorym

  Its ok. I think I understand. I wish Dad could walk me down the aisle and you could walk down it too. I'll miss you terribly and with or without you there, I'll still be thinking of you two. I am really excited about the wedding. Its like one last step to having my life back together. For the first time in my life, I'll be happy to be who I am. I wish you two could be proud of me more than anything in this world but even if you never are, I'll have a new family and they will love me for who I am. If you don't want to be part of my life I can understand but know that I will never stop praying for you as long as you are alive. Mom, its not as simple as just coming back. If I did come back, I would have to lie that I believed all of their teachings. After actually reading the Bible and learning that what jehovah's witnesses teach is not what the Bible says, I just can't pretend to believe it. I hope you understand that. You always said that I was a smart girl. -------------------------------------------- I will add that one sentence. My mom got mad at me and yelled because I told her that this was something she was doing and not something I was doing. So, I think we have that clear what I think and that she disagrees. We've only seen each other once in the year. She'll argue with me and forget some of my other sentences if I say that I've not left God. I think you can see that from my praying that I haven't left God but I don't want to give her something to argue about and miss my sentence that says, "After actually reading the Bible and learning that what jehovah's witnesses teach is not what the Bible says, I just can't pretend to believe it." I want her to read that one and fall off of her chair.
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  megsmomma

  I am assumeing you have told her the things you don't believe already....but if not, I would include some of those things to try to give her some "food for thought".

  I think your response was very good .....but I would get a little tougher too.

  Congrats on the upcoming wedding!!! How exciting!
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  ithinkisee

  I think your response is perfect. There is no need to get into specific teachings or whatever. More important you are showing genuine love, and that will probably do more good than anything in the long term if anything will.
  
  Although you could tell her (again in a genuine loving way) that she CAN certainly come walk you down the aisle and give you a hug and even help pick out flowers and stuff. Just make sure it sounds genuine (because you are being genuine).
  
  -ithinkisee
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  seek2find

  Renee, I think it would be hard for me to not say something like the following. "I pray to God that the day will come when his will will be done on earth and no longer will family relationships be destroyed by the teachings of men as ours has been." seek2find
• 

  reneeisorym

  I'm scared of getting too wordy and her missing the punch lines that are there. Does that make sense? She knows I'm an "apostate". I explained it all to her when I left.
• 

  fullofdoubtnow

  Hi Renee,

  I think your reply is just about perfect - gentle, loving and kind, but firm as well in that you have made it clearr to her that you no longer believe in the jw teachings, and why. I hope your reasons make her think, but I doubt it will.

  Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding.
• 

  grey matters

  I like the tone. I think what you are trying to say is that you are a happy, healthy person. And that is a good thing. Your mom thinks that she wanted to share this experience and be supportive, but only on her terms, and her terms are not reasonable. Picking out your dress and telling you who to marry is not being supportive, it is being controlling. This your day, and your life, not hers. She had the same opportunities to choose. She needs to be happy with her choice, and let you have yours.

  The second paragraph is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. In the first, I might not be inclined to use the phrase "for the first time in my life". I would be more inclined to just focus on the present. You are happy now, this is an exciting time for you, that train of thought. Along the same line, rather than sort of saying that you have a replacement family, you might want to just say some things about the good qualities of the new family. Again, the theme I see is that you are happy and healthy, and you would like to share this time with them. If they don't want that, that is their choice, and while you will miss them, you will be ok.

  I don't like this thing that Jehovah's Witnesses do where they behaive in an unacceptable manner and then blame it on you. They need to take responsibility for their behaivior. No one is holding a gun to their head telling them they have to be Jehovah's Witnesses and believe everything said from the platform or the publications. God gave them thinking ability for a reason. They need to use it.

  fe203girl thinks that maybe you are being too gentle. I understand. I too have hard core Jehovah's Witness parents who act a lot like your mom. It makes me very angry, and it is hard to be mild in response to a message like the one you received. But I read a letter here a few days ago that Odrade shared in another thread, and it made me think. I think a mild, loving tone makes a lot of sense. I know you are still a Christian, so I know you are familiar with the scripture that says a loving response to an enemy is like "heaping fiery coals upon their head". It will cause them to think, and hopefully will soften them in time.

  I know it's hard, but we need to try to not give up on our parents. For a long time, I have thought "They are too invested in this religion. They will never leave, and if they did, they would fall apart." But in the last year or so I have read many experiences from those in their 60's and some older who have left, and found real happiness. I hope the same for all who are trapped in that religion. I think we stand a much better chance of helping them if we take the tone that you did here.

  Good job. And congratulations on your wedding!
• 

  Scully

  Mom's E-mail:
  ____________________________
  Sorry, last week was very hard on me it was one year ago Wednesday that I lost you. I hope that you understand. As a mother this is something that I will never get over. About your wedding I feel that if I come it will put a dark cloud over it. See this is something that I dream of ever since you were born is your wedding day. We would go pick out your dress, flowers, invitations. So, this is a day that you need to enjoy and not worry about me being there. How could I be there and not be walked down the isle, not give you a hugg hold you so tight that it hurts. Your dad give you away. It would kill us just to see you so close yet so far away.

  But we are fine doing good. Your dad was gone 3 days last week on a convention for pest control.

  Got to go. Come back to us.PLEASE.

  If this were my mom writing to me, I would not be as gentle as you have been.

  Dear Mom:

  I know what you are trying to say, however, it is entirely your choice to believe that you "lost" me, and it is your choice to "never get over" my decision to opt out of your belief system. It is such a shame that you and dad would deny yourselves one of the things you always dreamed about from the time I was little, or to view one of the happiest days of my life with such disdain that you consider your presence there a "dark cloud". It is also such a shame that a book publishing company would require you to deny yourselves one of the joys that parents naturally share with their children when they grow up and find a mate.

  Just to be perfectly clear: YOU never lost me. I did not leave YOU. I did not leave GOD. I stopped worshipping a book publishing company that masquerades as a religion. I stopped being party to a belief system that tears families apart due to its unloving, unchristian requirements to shun even blood relatives who do not share the same world view. My Bible-trained conscience will not allow me to be part of an organization that beats its sheep, strips them of their dignity and leaves them cold, wet and naked when they are at their most vulnerable place in life. Jesus never did such a thing, why should anyone else be able to do so?

  I do understand your pain... but please bear in mind that it is your choice to take on the pain. You do not have to put yourself through this. A loving God would not torture anyone this way by forcing them to choose between loyalty to a corporation that will never care about you the way family will and their own flesh and blood.

  I invited you and dad to share this special day with me and (husband to be) because I do want you to be there. To have dad walk me down the aisle. To have you beside me as our families join each other. I would hate to know that in years to come that you regretted missing out on this once-in-a-lifetime occasion, and that you felt cheated out of what every other parent gets to share with their children. Of course, this is your choice, and yours alone. I cannot succumb to the emotional blackmail of you withholding your presence at my wedding. I cannot lie to you, to God or even to myself and make myself believe in something that my conscience feels is dreadfully unchristian. You and dad always taught me to stand up for what I believed to be right. That's all I've done. I'm sorry that that your choice means you have to miss out on this and so many other things in the future, like getting to know your son-in-law or visiting your grandchildren, but like I said, it is entirely your choice.