Hey Gumby,
I keep coming back to this thread because I can really identify with your feelings right now.
When I left the JWs, it was because I was pretty sure they were wrong, and I wanted to serve God the way he wanted to be worshipped. I found JWD and other sites, and became convinced that the WTS was NOT the true religion. I researched early Christianity for the first time ever, spoke to a priest a few times, even attended church. I embraced another religion for a while because I had become convinced that they were right. I prayed and prayed for answers. When cracks appeared in my new-found belief system, I really had a dillema. Do I hang on because I want it to be true, or do I let go and see what happens?
I let go, and kept praying for answers. Can't say I ever got any. I have experienced the 'lost' feeling you're talking about, and still do. I LIKED having all the answers, and now I had to start from scratch with nothing being certian. I was challenged a while back by a staunch Christian apologist who asked me, if I am questioning the bible, how do I even know that there is only one God, as opposed to thousands? I didn't like the question, but the answer is, I don't know that there is only one God. There are millions and millions of people who believe that there are thousands of gods... and millions more who believe there is only one... and millions more who believe there IS no God. Who's right? Does it matter? Does God really care, if he even exists?
I have no answers to those questions, and the truth is that NO one does. Lots of people think they are right, but believing something doesn't make it so. If God cared so much how he was worshipped, then I think he'd make it easier to figure out what he wants. There are plenty of truly honest-hearted people who don't have a clue.
So... Am I happier like this? If I think about it too much, I get extremely frustrated. I'm a planner, a need-to-know kinda person. I want all the answers, NOW!!! But no matter how much I stomp and pout, I won't get the answers until I die. I'm not really afraid of dying anymore, either, strangely enough. I'm more afraid of what I'll miss when I'm gone I used to feel guilty about destroying my JW teenagers' belief system (I showed them everything I found when I left the JWs). I pulled the rug out from under them, and I felt like they went thru a sort of mini-crisis. But they are doing GREAT now, and quite honestly I don't feel bad about it anymore. They are much more open minded than I ever was, and they will have the freedom to become whoever they want to become. Believing in a fantasy paradise which will be here ''any day now'' would in NO way enhance their lives.
Thinking of you Gumby, hope your situation gets easier with time.
GGG
