Broken Heart

by jillbedford 68 Replies latest jw experiences

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  exjdub

  I contemplate what I have done wrong to find myself in this place. Should I have stayed a witness and with my first husband, making my daughter adhere to the witnesses rules for conduct?

  jillbedford,

  When a child leaves it causes one to question the past and how we raised them. This is natural to do for a short time, but I think in the long run it is counterproductive. If you had stayed a witness nothing would have changed. Your daughter would have still moved in with your Ex. In fact, if you had stayed a witness your daughter would have likely moved out sooner because of the overly burdensome rules of the Borg and the complete lack of any fun for a teenager.

  Teenagers by their nature challenge boundaries and think they have the world by the tail. I did, my daughters did, and I am sure you did. One thing that will never change though. Kids, if they were treated well and loved, do come to their senses. If you have raised your daughter with love, then you will have a close relationship with her again. It may take a while. Kids run around with their heads up their rear ends until their 20's, then they pop their heads out and most of them decide to join the human race. It just takes time. You most certainly cannot control when this will happen.

  In the meantime, I would continue to show her love. Try not to be short with her, or be vindictive in your treatment of her, because you are deeply hurt. This will only reinforce her decision. As hard as it may be when you are hurt and angry with her, give her lots of hugs when you see her and tell her you love her, even if she does not return the affection. Try not to tear into her about her decision, or speak against her father (even though you have every right to). These things with our children are not about us being right, they are about forming a bond of love that will fortify them in their need. It is also important for when they make mistakes...and she will make them. It is up to you, as the parent, to be the better person in the relationship. To be that sometimes you have to bite your tongue. I am sorry you have been hurt. These things are never easy.

  Warmest Regards,

  exjdub
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  jillbedford

  Pahpa, I knew you had to be on here, You have no idea how this warms my heart and heals me.

  Please IM me!!!!
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  jillbedford

  Thanks ExDub.

  You folks are better than any therpist!

  I was in a very sad place before and now I feel better,
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  Frannie Banannie

  Jill, I left home at 14 to go live with my Dad. It took less than a year for me to figure out that living with my Mom was better.

  Also, my daughter left home with a b/friend. It took her 10 yrs to finally correct the huge mistake she'd made.

  It takes time. Give her the time she needs. Young people are like little birds stretching their wings and learning to fly.

  Hugs,

  Frannie (of the "BUT, follow your atty's advice" class)
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  Pahpa

  Jill,

  I'm a computer dummy! Will you please tell me how to IM you? Pahpa
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  minimus

  Hi Jill. I'm sorry to hear of this sad situation. Just my take: It seems like you come across as unbending. A rule is a rule. If they don't like it, they can get out. You're grieving though, because you don't REALLY want to be without your 16 year old child. I would protect my assets if I were you and not give your husband anything, including your daughter unless it was court approved. You might be a big marshmellow inside but me thinks you could come across the wrong way.
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  LeslieV

  Jill,

  I sure have been there. My youngest decided to leave home right after High School and live on her own, she also was 17. She is now 19, and finally had realized her mistake in leaving home so young. She also did not do well in HS, but after working for peanuts realized also that maybe mom was right, and she needed to go to college. So at least she has begun going to college now.

  It is a greiving process you go through when they leave home. You are not to blame for her not wanting boundaries, and her knowing that Dad will let her do what she wants. Believe me when I tell you some children have to learn the hard way. Her father will get sick of it also, Remember he really has not been around for her, so she is trying to establish somekind of relationship with him. Your daughter will also begin to see who he really is in time. Hang in there, I know she will come back to say she is sorry. Doesn't mean you have to let her live there now, but you can establish your relationship with her again.

  Leslie
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  Mystla

  I don't have any kids, so I don't have any advice for you reguarding your daughter. I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds terribly difficult.

  I have been in a sexless marriage. I will presume to give you advice on that: seek help. It can be devistating to your self-esteem/self-image. I don't know what your husbands problem is (my ex is gay, which no one bothered to tell me) but you are not "past it" Women reach their sexual primes at about your age.. it should be getting better, not non-existant!! I know that as a 20 yo I had to learn how to turn off my sex drive. I got rather good at it. By the time we seperated I was 27 and had learned to have no sex drive at all.. do you think that's the way a healthy 27 yo should be?

  Fortunatly for my current hubby I was able to find it again, and I learned how vital it is to a healthy mind, body and marriage. I was missing out, and not in just a physical way.

  Obviously I don't know your entire story or how your relationship works, but I can tell you, from personal experience, that I understand how damaging it can be.

  I hope you don't take this post the wrong way, I just hate to think of any one in a situation even remotely similar to the one I was in, and had to stick my nose in.

  Misty
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  tijkmo

  As far as my husband goes, does anyone have much sex after age 35 anyway? Aren't we past the prime for that?

  hmmm...well i think that people who want to be together want to have sex together...age sometimes takes away oppurtunity or in time perhaps even capability..but it shouldnt take away desire
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  mouthy

  As far as my husband goes, does anyone have much sex after age 35 anyway? Aren't we past the prime for that?

  Well I dont know about that... But I know some who enjoy it at 80...( No it isnt me but I still know its not to stir my tea with) I will get off now singing "MEMORIES"