I believe that I am experiencing a profound change in my personality, and those changes are at a stage where I have honestly contemplated this recently. Honestly.
I don't think I could ever do it - anyone who has followed me on the boards here know that I am neither suicidal nor an apologist for that lot. Yet, having been off work for a few weeks now with surgical recovery, I have had time to make assessment of my future. It seems rather bleak in many ways to be quite honest.
I am 51 years old, no higher education, married to the same woman [happily] for 32 years, in the throws of raising our three wonderful grandchildren. But, as a result of casting off my Jw roots, I have also lost all my social life. Oh, I have made a few acquaintances in my daily routine, but no solid, 'I know I can depend on you to be there' kind of friendships. Last fall I tried to set up an Aposta-BBQ. The thread died while others in the same timeframe flourished.
I am a conservative midwest bland fellow with a rather bland life I suppose. I am not the intellectual former Jw, turned scientific know it all, that some have become. I am just little ole' me. Some will quickly jump on this as a 'feeling sorry for myself' thread. Although it might sound like that, that is not the intent. I am really in the midst of looking straight ahead at another 20 or 30 years of friendlessness, and I am not looking forward to it at all.
I long for real friends. The kind who will stop over to the house and have a beer or coffee with you, talk about the latest, and go with you to the lumber yard to buy shingles for the house. Lack of hobbies over the years has left me rather dull I fear. All I was ever good at was giving public talks and making converts to the Jw's. Not much basis upon which to build is it? And at my age, where do I start? Are people in my age group generally out looking for people to be their friends? Not likely. I threw off all relationships outside the organization for 40 years or so. Now I find myself almost, and I did say almost, wishing I had found out the 'truth about the Truth', but hung around anyway. At least I had someone to drink a beer with on Friday night.
Additionally, I find myself still drawn to Christianity [of the private variety], a subject that is typically ridiculed here as igorant or foolish. Though Jw's are not much in the way of Christian, they think they are, and they are good hearted people, and I can feel comfortable around them. Often I long for that. I am almost ashamed to state that, but it is true. At least from time to time as a Jw, I could expect a visit from someone at the Hall. No one ever comes here now, with the exception of my SIL from time to time, or my dad. My sister left the Jw's 15 years ago - and at that age was able to develop a new set of friends. I really don't know how to go about it. I am still uncomfortable in the churches, have no interest in the bars, and in this little town there is nothing else.
I honestly believe that some of my mood was caused by a very painful shunning this past week. Two people that I have known forever, painfully shunned me in a restaurant. Carla and I had been as close as two people of the opposite sex could be without being romantic during many years as pioneers. I had watched her parents bring her home from the hospital when I was 'studying'. Ned was a young student of mine when he was 6 or 8 years old. I have literally known them both for 35 years, and loved them dearly. They have both divorced and married each other now, and they refused to even greet me. I never got to wish them well. And I did not have the stomach to enforce my 'no shunning policy' and embarrass them. I just could not do so. I am in pain at this particular loss. As I write this I am tearing up a bit. It hurt me worse than any other shunning in my past.
At this moment I just feel so cast off - unattached - and perhaps unattachable - to life. My history is gone, washed away, with no one to discuss it with other than my wife, who has heard all I have to say about life and love already a thousand times.
I know I will not go back. But at times the prospect of having others in my life besides just the family is appealing. Sorry to have taken on such a meloncholy mood this evening. I should not have started the thread, and I should likely not post it. But it does represent my current feelings and thinking, so I guess I will. Then I shall retire for the evening. I likely will arise in the AM with a differing perspective on life, and a lingering regret that I posted this.
You won't see this type of thread from me often. I don't often have such thoughts as those expressed here. Perhaps it is due to my recent surgery, and my realization of my personal mortality that is speaking here. Or a shift in body chemistry due to the surgery? Hell, I don't know.
How does a relatively conservative, slightly introverted person go about this? [Rhetorical]
Thanks for listening to my goofy ramblings tonight.
Nite all
Jeff