I've been searching around at all the posts her just reading and trying to figure things out for myself, I just don't know what to do anymore, so i guessed that I'd tell you all my story and hopefully get some kinda answers. Ok! So here goes...... born a JW, have been one all my life, baptized at 13 and was the good little girl in the cong. when all my friends were up to badness. Went pioneering right out of high school just like the good girl i am. Met a JW boy from a different Prov. and Started to get to know him....3 years later we were married that was almost 10 years ago. That's the sweet little version. Ok so all the other stuff.... My parents "got the truth" just as my older brother was born and less than two years later I came along so they were new in the "truth". I don't remember much of the early stuff only going to the hall and having lots of get together's. Fast forward to when I was 3 and my uncle (non-jw) abused me several times. Once he had his bedroom door locked and my mom came to find me(he was a lot younger than my mom and still living home with my grandparents) after supper at my grandparents one night and after she got me out of there when he finally got me dressed and unlocked the door, she took me to the bathroom and asked me what was going on. I told her what he had done, etc and that was the end of it. I was never asked about it and nothing was ever said about it. I don't know why my parents didn't do anything about it, report it or even say anything to me, even though this new religion that I was born into was so much around family values , etc. So fast forward past my whole childhood, and teens and we come to my first boyfriend, 18 at the time and a reg. pioneer. we started dating ..through letters and phone calls at first because of distance, and then he moved to my prov. to be close to me. So the physical side of dating started....which being the good little girl that I was, it was all new to me (having repressed the memories of when I was 3.) This fine young brother, was lets just say was quite.... for lack of a better word "horney"! Every time we were together he found a way to touch me, I was feeling trapped. He fingered me in the back seat of my brother car while my brother was driving!!! So this touching and playing around got more advanced so that finally we had sex. I was feeling like I was a little kid again..and i didn't know why, scared to say no or tell him he went too far. I started to remember when I was 3. He was the first person I told about what happened to me, it didn't change much of what was going on. It seemed like every chance he got we were having sex. I'm just thankful that he wrapped it up!!!! I don't know what I would have done if I had gotten preg. Anyway, after a 1 1/2 years of dating we got engaged and then another 1 1/2 years later we got married.....I kinda felt forced to go thru with it knowing if I broke it off and the elders found out what we had done it would destroy my family. needless to say he did open his big mouth and tell someone in not so many words after we were married, this person used that information when she was trying to come back after being Df'ed. Needed to give the elders something on someone else to get back in their good books sorta speak. Long story short we got private reproof(just before our 2nd anniversary) and no one found out, no family anyway, just the JC. We moved away from family a little bit after that to a city where we didn't know anybody. Fresh start!!! ya right! we were drifting more apart and he wasn't doing anything for the "truth" working all the time , etc. He was into porn and stuff like that. I got preg. and he seemed to change a little because of the baby coming. Our son was born and i saw him less and less, until one night he came home from hanging out with friends from work and told me that he doesn't love me anymore he hasn't loved me for a long time. He DA'ed himself and left me and the baby (7mts old) I was a in a state, I didn't know what to do or where to turn, the cong. wasn't much help, I did get a few invites out to supper, one from this really nice family that I have lost touch with. they had two young kids and we had pizza, I just felt like they understood what I was going thru. To get back at him I did some things with a co-worker of his that he didn't like very much. Sweet pay back but now I regret it. So I moved back home, kinda forced by my parents ...afraid that I would leave the "truth". Basically I was gone, taking in to account the "payback" that I now regret.( I haven't told anybody 'bout any of that) Study was started with me and I got back on my feet again. My long lost husband came crawling back and begged me to take him back, i did and he got reinstated. Things were good for a while but he fell into his rut again, we moved to be close to his family (most are JW's) and things just got worse. He hasn't been working due to stress and depression for 3 years, we have since had a second son and I have PPD. Our oldest has special needs and I'm not getting any help form the cong. at all.....I have gone to the elders so many times asking for help not knowing what to do should I leave my husband, because I can't take it anymore...I'm basically a single mom now with 3 kids not 2. no help from him at all. we hardly have money for food and I've told the elders that, but yet I'm still waiting to see some form of help. I just don't know what to do I need help and I have no one to turn to, is it worth sticking around the cong. even with out any help or is there no point, they will never help or support me in what ever I decide to do. I have to do what's best for my kids and myself....I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!
So I don't know where to start, so here is my story........
by hazeleyes 36 Replies latest jw experiences
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Madame Quixote
First of all, contact social services and apply for whatever help you can get, including but not limited to Aid to Families With Dependent Children (or whatever it's called in Canada), any and all mental health counseling you can find, food assistance, housing assistance, etc.
You have both the right and the responsibility to do whatever you need to do to take proper care of yourself and your kids.
You do not need the elders' permission to do any of that; nor do you need your husband's. Has he gotten any help for himself? If not, dump him and find a place for you and your kids to start a new life. If you take the kids with you to some kind of public assistance program and if husband won't cooperate, divorce him and move on. You and your kids deserve better.
If your husband is not fully and completely cooperative in helping you and your kids to get the help you need, then you definitely do not need him.
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Quandry
How about his family? Will they help their son? They should be willing to help their grandchildren. Maybe you could move in with them until your husband decides what he will do or gets a job. Not a wonderful prospect, but you do need help from some direction and help with the chores of taking care of children.
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OnTheWayOut
Easier to read if you break it up like paragraphs
I've been searching around at all the posts here just reading and trying to figure things out for myself, I just don't know
what to do anymore, so i guessed that I'd tell you all my story and hopefully get some kinda answers. Ok! So here goes...... born a JW, have been one all my life, baptized at 13 and was the good little girl in the cong. when
all my friends were up to badness. Went pioneering right out of high school just like the good girl i am. Met a JW boy
from a different Prov. and Started to get to know him....3 years later we were married that was almost 10 years ago. That's
the sweet little version. Ok so all the other stuff.... My parents "got the truth" just as my older brother was born and less than two years later I
came along so they were new in the "truth". I don't remember much of the early stuff only going to the hall and having lots of
get together's. Fast forward to when I was 3 and my uncle (non-jw) abused me several times. Once he had his bedroom door
locked and my mom came to find me(he was a lot younger than my mom and still living home with my grandparents) after
supper at my grandparents one night and after she got me out of there when he finally got me dressed and unlocked the door,
she took me to the bathroom and asked me what was going on. I told her what he had done, etc and that was the end of it. I
was never asked about it and nothing was ever said about it. I don't know why my parents didn't do anything about it, report it
or even say anything to me, even though this new religion that I was born into was so much around family values , etc. So fast forward past my whole childhood, and teens and we come to my first boyfriend, 18 at the time and a reg. pioneer. we
started dating ..through letters and phone calls at first because of distance, and then he moved to my prov. to be close to me.
So the physical side of dating started....which being the good little girl that I was, it was all new to me (having repressed the
memories of when I was 3.) This fine young brother, lets just say, was quite.... for lack of a better word "horney"! Every time
we were together he found a way to touch me, I was feeling trapped. He fingered me in the back seat of my brother car while
my brother was driving!!! So this touching and playing around got more advanced so that finally we had sex. I was feeling like I
was a little kid again..and i didn't know why, scared to say no or tell him he went too far. I started to remember when I was 3. He was the first person I told about what happened to me, it didn't change much of what
was going on. It seemed like every chance he got we were having sex. I'm just thankful that he wrapped it up!!!! I don't know what
I would have done if I had gotten preg. Anyway, after a 1 1/2 years of dating we got engaged and then another 1 1/2 years later
we got married.....I kinda felt forced to go thru with it knowing if I broke it off and the elders found out what we had done, it would
destroy my family. needless to say he did open his big mouth and tell someone in not so many words after we were married, this
person used that information when she was trying to come back after being Df'ed. Needed to give the elders something on someone
else to get back in their good books so to speak. Long story short we got private reproof(just before our 2nd anniversary) and no one found out, no family anyway, just the JC. We
moved away from family a little bit after that to a city where we didn't know anybody. Fresh start!!! ya right! we were drifting more
apart and he wasn't doing anything for the "truth" working all the time , etc. He was into porn and stuff like that. I got preg. and he
seemed to change a little because of the baby coming. Our son was born and i saw him less and less, until one night he came home
from hanging out with friends from work and told me that he doesn't love me anymore he hasn't loved me for a long time. He DA'ed
himself and left me and the baby (7mts old) I was a in a state, I didn't know what to do or where to turn, the cong. wasn't much help, I did get a few invites out to supper, one from
this really nice family that I have lost touch with. they had two young kids and we had pizza, I just felt like they understood what I was
going thru. To get back at him I did some things with a co-worker of his that he didn't like very much. Sweet pay back but now I regret it.
So I moved back home, kinda forced by my parents ...afraid that I would leave the "truth". Basically I was gone, taking in to account the "payback" that I now regret.( I haven't told anybody 'bout any of that) Study was started with me and I got back on my feet again. My long lost husband came crawling back and begged me to take him back,
i did and he got reinstated. Things were good for a while but he fell into his rut again, we moved to be close to his family (most are JW's)
and things just got worse. He hasn't been working due to stress and depression for 3 years, we have since had a second son and I have
PPD. Our oldest has special needs and I'm not getting any help from the cong. at all.....I have gone to the elders so many times asking
for help not knowing what to do- should I leave my husband, because I can't take it anymore...I'm basically a single mom now with 3 kids
not 2. no help from him at all. we hardly have money for food and I've told the elders that, but yet I'm still waiting to see some form of help.
I just don't know what to do I need help and I have no one to turn to, is it worth sticking around the cong. even with out any help or is there
no point, they will never help or support me in what ever I decide to do. I have to do what's best for my kids and myself....I JUST DON'T
KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP!!!! -
hazeleyes
I can't move in with his parents...his mother is one of those two faced JW's......she is all high and mighty to the elders and cong. but she is a back stabber and makes my life hell.....plus I'm not allowed to kick my husband out or leave him it's not the right thing to do, so she says!!!!
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hazeleyes
sorry it was my first post and didn't know the formatting..lol
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Anti-Christ
Hi hazeleyes, sad story hang in there. I agree with Madame Quixote. The elders don't really care, maybe some but they can't really help you.
Sorry but your husban sounds like a real loser. I had a shity childhood but I treat my wife with respect(because I'm totaly inlove with her) we have been maried for almost 10 years. Some people use the bad childhood escuse to treat people badly. Your husban sounds like he has no respect or love for himself so don't espect him to have any for you. Don't give up on yourself or your children.(((((((((hugs))))))))))
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OnTheWayOut
I am with Madam Q.
Go to the Canadian equivalent of Social Services. Even if you want to help your husband, you need to care for
yourself and those children, so you are helping him by showing those as your priorities. You are helping him
by standing up for his responsibilities. You can't help him if he is not contributing to the family welfare.Don't ask the elders for advice. They will go on about how you need to stay with your husband, temptation will
get to you if you leave, etc. Even if that's true, you are better off with temptation, and it's probably not true.
Seek counseling over the issues of repressed memories, but be careful. Most people don't really remember much
from when they were 3 years old. Don't be convinced that you "just repressed it." You just may have never formed
the lasting memories yet. Anyway, therapy can help you with issues of sex and your feelings of being quiet to
avoid trouble. That could be a JW-instilled fear.Since the congregations were never any real help to you, I say don't bother to have anything more to do with them.
Get your kids away from WTS. Don't feel guilty. Their Armageddon is not right around the next corner. Let your
kids grow up normal. -
Madame Quixote
plus I'm not allowed to kick my husband out or leave him it's not the right thing to do, so she says!!!!
I get the impression you might have begun to question this philosophy of hers, whoever she is (m.i.l.?)
What gives her (or you or me) the right to deprive your children of a richer, fuller life?
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hazeleyes
I am on Social Services now(ppl at the hall make me feel like crap because of it) 'cos he's not working, and I have a baby who just turned 1, so I can't work yet until he turns 18 mts and I can put him in daycare. Hubby can't look after the kids because of his mental state. If i leave him and the house, etc. I have no one to help. I'm scared to do this all on my own, but it doesn't seem like anyone wants to help anyway. If I do leave him I'm afraid that he might hurt himself and then everyone will blame me.