So I don't know where to start, so here is my story........ (page 3)

hazeleyes

You have no idea what all your kind words, help and support mean to me!! Thanks so much!

OnTheWayOut

Wait until the time is right, then leave and make your own life. Plan everything in advance and you should be fine. These next few months should give you plenty of time to get everything ready. Start making friends outside the JW's so you'll have a support system when you leave. I think you'll find your life much better than what you have now.

It's your life. That's good advice. You cannot blame yourself if your husband refuses to do what he needs to do.
If he hurts himself, it is not your fault. Tell him what is available to him, and stop worrying what he might do.

Consider the advice from Swalker in the box above. The odds are that your husband won't hurt himself, but won't
get help until he has no other choices. That means you are enabling him to continue his ways, and making the
choice to stop enabling him would be a great help.

mouthy

Mouthy is the greatest person and can be a comfort to you.Annie thats a NO!NO! Your sticking me on a pedestal. Now watch me fall off

VanillaMocha73

Oh - I know it is all new. Been there, as you will see in my PM. The "world" is not as scary as we were taught - in fact you won't believe all the lies we were told.....

unique1

I don't know if this would work for you but a lot of stay at home moms have started Ebay businesses for extra money. Whether it be making things or buying brand name clothes at yardsales for resale or other items that seem to sell well on there. That may help until the little one turns 18 mo.

It is good that you are seeing a psychiatrist. Keep that up.

If you can wait it out another 6 mo until the baby is 18 mo. then I would suggest you do. Then move out. Tell your hubby when he is straightened out enough to get a job and help around the house that you guys can discuss a reprisal. Until then, be strong for your kids and hopefully your therapist will be able to help you enough to be strong enough to leave.

Another thing my mom did when we were poor was to go to skint and dent groceries. She would go every day and buy soup that was good, but had a dent in the can for cheap. She would also go to the back of the grocery store where they discount the meat and veggies because that is the last day they will be good and she would make something out of that for dinner and get it all SUPER cheap. Here is a link for coupons in Canada http://www.save.ca/ hopefully you will find some things you use every day on there. Also if you go to a specific brands website sometimes you can get printable coupons there. Like if you use Crest toothpaste, check out crest.com, etc.

crazyblondeb

but i guess I have to go at it alone

I know this is cyberspace, but you don't have to be alone now.

The elder's are not qualified to help........Their answer is more meetings, more study, blah, blah, blah.

You have to do what it takes to take care of yourself, and your kids. NOT YOUR HUSBAND!!

hazeleyes

Thanks for all your help and suggestions...I wasn't on all day yesterday 'cos my hubby fooled up the puter and had to format

anyway i'll be be on here off and on today!!

jgnat

Hi, I'm a non-JW who married a JW later in life. I've also left my abusive first husband, gone on Social Services, went back to school to get my high school diploma, went back to work, and worked my way up. I'm a manager and a grandma today.

You can get help, but I agree with everyone else, you won't get it from the elders. They will tell you to be more submissive to your husband, don't miss any meetings and keep up on your studies. This is the same advice to everyone who comes to them for help. You've come to realize you need far more than that. Your problems are complex and you are unique. Keep on with the psychiatrist. Join a local moms and tots group. Build a network of supportive people around you.

I don't think you are emotionally ready to strike out on your own. Maybe in six months to a year. Here are some observations I have from your post. Let me know if they make sense.

Your husband has never really tried to understand you or your needs. Even in your teens, it was all about taking care of his (sexual) needs, wasn't it? He hasn't changed at all.
Is it possible he's been having affairs on the side all along? That's usually the reason a partner suddenly announces they've fallen out of love. Again, it's all about him, isn't it?
What would happen if you told him you are willing to release him from the marriage arrangement? Would that cheer him up? If he seems willing, do point out that a separation means he moves out and supports himself. When he is sufficiently recovered, that will include providing support to your children.
No fault of your own, you've left the big decisions to others. Through the post you are asking what to do. You've been trained to follow your parent's advice and elder's advice and not to trust your own mind on things. You got married to save face. Again, this is no fault of your own, but before you decide to strike out on your own I think you need some practice trusting your own judgement.
Another fault of your upbringing is that you have been told that everyone's emotional well-being is your responsibility. It's not. Everyone is ultimately responsible for themselves. If you remain in this trap and you get dragged down year after year, do you think that any of the people that told you to remain will be there to pick up the pieces of your life? If they ultimately won't be there to rescue you from yourself, why should you be responsible for their happiness or embarrassment?

I suggest you take a piece of paper and practice working out what is your responsibility and what is not. Answer the following questions. Then take a different color pen and beside each answer, write "my problem" or "their problem".

You stop attending midweek meetings. What would your MIL say to you? What would the elders say to you? How might you answer them?
You start going to a secular support group in the neighbourhood, and someone from the congregation sees you. How might they react?
You ask hubby to separate and move out on his own. What might he do?
In a few months, you get a student loan to get training in an exciting new field. Your parents object. What might they say to you?

unique1

Excellent suggestion on the problem list Jgnat!

freedomloverr

welcome to the forum hazeleyes.

you have a lot of challenges ahead of you but I'm a firm believer that we are all capable of tremendous changes with the right amount of planning. you have some excellent advice and suggestions here. I can relate to your story so much. Being raised a JW female you followed your *role* perfectly. so did I. Then one day I woke up and said this is bullshit and I'm not going to live like a whipped puppy anymore! I'm worth so much more than that!

I also had PPD after my first child. if you want to talk PM me.

try to follow up on any assistance you can recieve from the government. just a thought, but I know in the US you'd be entitled to more help if you didn't live with a free-loading mate that didn't contribute to the household funds.

perhaps you can nanny for some other friends kids so that you can be at home and make money? your children will be old enough soon for you to go back to school or take on work outside the home.

I think you know what you need to do already as regards your husband. it's terrifying to face those realizations, but good for you for being honest with yourself when no one else in your life is honest with you! standing up for yourself will make you soar!

we're here for support and to listen. the elders are not marriage counselors or psychiatrist. reading your bible more, going to meeting, or out in service WILL NOT help anything...

-freedomlover

So I don't know where to start, so here is my story........

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