I was raised in a mainstream Christian church and was baptized as a young teenager. I cannot remember a time that I did not believe and talk with God as a father on a daily basis. During high school, I became disillusioned in just about everything, including the hypocrisy that I saw at church. So I quit going, but retained a strong belief in God.
After high school, I was married and pregnant with my first child. I was worrying about what I was going to teach this child about the meaning of life and such things. I was always especially interested in the book of Revelation because no one in church ever seemed to try and explain it. Along came the witnesses with all the answers in a neat package.
The next thirty years I spent raising children as Witnesses, something I cannot undo now. When I woke up to their deception, my whole family were baptized Witnesses. After leaving, I have had to go back to square one and start over. I still retain a belief in the divine, but it is different than when I was growing up or as a Witness. I can not define God as I once thought I could. Yet I see the divine signature in everything around me, nature, people, love, etc.
I am only a year away from thirty years of being told what to believe and I am sure that I am a work in progress. I have heard it said that if you just ask Jesus to come into your life, he will. I have not experienced this in the way it is spoken about. I am not saying it doesn't happen, but I know I have been at some very low points after leaving the Witnesses and very sincerely asked and the silence was deafening.
I am glad that I have children and now grandchildren, as they bring so much to my life. I watch my grandchildren and am amazed at how much they can live in the present moment. I am trying to remember how.