Why can't I just get over it and move on?

by Crumpet 47 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Sad emo

  I feel like I am growing up. I am acting like a mature human being. I am accepting that I miss him but also that I will try to control my impulses and just be happy when he finds happiness.

  Crumpet - do you realise you answered your original question with this statement?!

  Something my counsellor has said to me often is that every seperation is like a bereavement and we have to grieve in whatever way we need and for however long it takes. It's said that denial of what has happened is a stage of bereavement/grieving though and I'd venture to say that maybe you're at the stage of leaving the denial and now experiencing the loss (which may involve some anger at feeling 'abandoned').

  It won't make you actually feel much better about your situation I know, but I hope it helps you to know you're moving in the right direction

  Here's a hug for ya to help you along! (((((((crumpet)))))))
• 

  purplesofa

  I have not read all the responses.

  I have had two people I have loved over the years. I will always love them. I won't be talking to them, I won't be sleeping with them, but the love does not fade. I learn how to adjust to the circumstances as they change.

  I try to remember the good from the relationship, what I learned, how I grew. There are qualities they have that I would look for in another.

  I think we feel like if we dont think about past lovers, we've moved on.

  I dont ever want to forget about someone I loved.

  purps
• 

  brunnhilde

  Awww, Crumpie, someone else said it and its true, you're grieving, and while this is enormously UNhelpful, you'll be done when you're done with it. There's no timeline or way to accelerate the process, sadly. I know, I've tried. Even when you're the one who chooses to end the relationship (that was me too) there is still pain and sorrow and some regret but that doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. You sound like you've got exactly the right handle on it but it does get wearisome and tiring, the sadness I mean. I know, I'm right where you are too. Best of luck on your date - sounds like good fun!
• 

  anewme
• 

  Gill

  (((((((( Crumpet ))))))))

  It takes time. But love will turn up unexpectedly one day. Just when you think it will never be all right, it WILL all be all right! But it takes time.

  You can't put a dinner in the oven for ten minutes and expect it to be some amazing fantastic meal, it takes time.

  That day will come when Mr Right WILL turn up.

  Until then, be patient and look after Crumpet. If you love yourself, the rest will follow!!!

  Love

  Gill
• 

  Handsome Dan

  Make it your agenda to move to someone better, which will make an improvement in yourself
• 

  Xena

  Time heals all wounds. Break-ups are never easy, that's why there are so many sad songs. Stop beating yourself up about not being able to move on yet and just accept this as your natural grieving process.

  As to whether or not to cut the ties with the ex, it's up to you. Only you know if this is good for you or not and how much you can handle. But you do need to keep some distance, emotionally.

  After I broke up with my ex I started to do things for myself. Make my own friends, develop my own interests. I don't really have much in common with my ex anymore outside of our daughter.

  Looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks! Gotta run.
• 

  Crumpet

  You guys are terrific - some really genuine and truthful responses.

  I try to remember the good from the relationship, what I learned, how I grew. There are qualities they have that I would look for in another.

  I think we feel like if we dont think about past lovers, we've moved on.

  I dont ever want to forget about someone I loved.

  This is how I try to behave too purps - but I dont like to lose exes from my social circle completely. I believe we humans are big enough to enjoy widening our circles to absorb new partners of our ex partners. It is a test of emotional strength, but with Mr C I had the previous boyfriend and his girlfriends to stay ocassionally. We got on really well.

  I would not accept a new partner that isnt prepared to get on with my ex partners. Or at least try to - if they have a personal dislike then thats life, but mainly if I pick well then I should keep them as friends for life and their family's as my extended family.

  But I do take the initial point that for the early stages emotional and romantic detachment only has a good chance by some degree of physical separation. But then again I like having a goodbye holiday at the end of the relationship - hence why we went to Barcelona. I have some dorky ideas but I believe we can overcome human pettiness and just embrace the new and the old.

  Thanks brunnhilde for your nice comment about my potential date with a woman next weekend. She's taking me to a picnic by the lake at Blenheim Palace - how cool is that?! Mr C has even offered to drive me part of the way there - which is sweet! I wont let him because it will just confuse my heart and loins and head.
• 

  Crumpet

  Secondly, take out of this previous relationships all the positives, and by this I mean you should now have a clearer understanding of what you want from a relationship and your man. This wasnt a failure it was a learning experience.

  Fifi this is excellent advice and thank you especially for your lovely compliments and kind remarks. He didnt fight because well I was just too much of a handful and it was easier to let me go. I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I think what I have taken from this in terms of what I want from my relationship with a man - is actually a good woman! LOL!
• 

  Dawn

  Crumpet: One thing that might help is to try doing something new that you never did before, for example, take guitar lessons, scuba lessons, try surfing, maybe even take one of those beginner flying lessons. Something very different from your normal routine. This helps in two ways

  First, It can help you to build back your self confidence - accomplishing something you didn't think you could do

  Second, it's hard sometimes to break free from someone we love so much because all of our normal routine activities remind us of them. When you start something new it not only can take your mind off of the person for a little while, but you start to build new activities, conversations, and friends that don't involve that person.

  This helped me get over my son's father when we split.