Yes, there are several of us that either have to go to the crap-assed assembly this year, or simply because we plan on taking notes and posting them here. (heh-heh). Knowing how bloody boring the entire thing is, I've made some tips up on how you can keep awake during the 2007 Borefest: Are you really going to the ASSembly this year? Are you ready to fall asleep by 10:05am when the opening song and prayer are over? Wonder how you'll ever make it to 5 o'clock without going Postal on your fellow Christians ? Well fear no more! Here are some tips you can put into practice to get you through the day from the moment you park your car till the time you scurry outta there back to your hotel room!
1. The first order of the day is getting some strong COFFEE - and I don't mean that watery crap from McDonalds either; I mean the Dark Roast Columbia beans from Starbucks - chew the beans for that extra "buzz" that you'll need fighting the happiest people on earth for a seat.........
2. Do you find it difficult to get good seats for you and your family? Tired of climbing all those stairs up to the nosebleed section, knowing that one wrong move will send you a-tumbling? Well fear no more! You can avoid this hassle a couple of ways.
a) You can "volunteer" for being an attendent (if you have a penis), which means that you get into the auditorium earlier than everyone else. Don't let them fool you with that crap 'no one can save seats till the doors are open.' Believe me, all the attendents get seats before the herd. Once you have your pick of the seats for you and your family, simply fold your volunteer badge up and put it in the contribution box on your way out for some more coffee beans. b) Look the auditorium over carefully and then choose the seats you want. Don't worry if there's already bibles and songbooks on the seats; simply gather them up and take them to the Lost and Found section. Check out the coolers stashed under the seat to see if there's anything worth eating. Take one bite out of all the sandwiches and then put them back exactly how you found them. When the assembly starts and the family shows up and accuses you of taking their seats, look at them in total shock and announce loudly that Ted Jaracz is your cousin and that if they don't leave you alone, you'll have them all disfellowshipped by the next Theocratic Ministry School meeting. Whisper that they can have the seats back for $50.00 each, promising to put it in the contribution box. After they leave, enjoy the rest of the sandwiches and pop.
3. If there are people sitting in the seats in front of you (denying you the right to put your feet up on the seats), make lots of noise, such as chopping loudly on chips, crackers or even better: Crunch a Munch.........smack your lips noisely while opening cans of pop. When they turn around to give you the evil eye, grin at them at say: "No oblo English!" Keep this up until they leave in disgust. The minute they do, put their seats up for sale.
4. Tired of looking up all those scriptures telling you that you're not doing enough in God's Organization? The answer is simple: bring a novel to read, placing it inside your bible (best ones are either The Godfather or one of the early Harry Potter novels) as they fit snugly into the bible. Everyone around you will be impressed that your eyes never leave the bible and how totally immersed you are spiritual things.
5. The afternoon sessions arrive and you're bored out of your mind. You keep hoping the drama will hold your interest, but the acting is so bad, it makes Paris Hilton almost look worthy enough for an Oscar. Bring a straw to your seat along with some frozen peas. You'll have to be sitting close enough to the stage for this one, but start shooting peas through the straws at all the actors in the drama. Watch them lose their cool as they try to continue on as though nothing's happened. Giggle when the taped voices don't match their actions and point it out to the person sitting next to you. Repeat this once they're thru and the main speaker is back on stage telling you what a fine example you just saw! Aim for his head. If he's wearing glasses, he'll wonder what the hell's going on and will probably lose his train of thought and start repeating himself. Start laughing out loud the minute he does. If caught, you will be disfellowshipped on the spot, but take comfort in knowing that you made 20,000 people laugh their asses off.
6. If there's any small kids sitting in front of you, (99.9% chance of this) start making faces at them till they start laughing. Their mothers will probably give them a smack and drag them to the bathroom for another one, but don't worry, they probably wanted to get up anyway. Whisper to you kid that if they start to cry, you'll take them out for an icecream cone. March them out of there in righteous anger when they start crying and then head for the nearest Baskin Robbins.
7. Enlist a friend to help you on this one (I can see Buttlight and WhyamIhere doing this one): Start smiling and winking at all the attendents "guarding" the speaker (this will only work for women). Hike up your skirt and cross your legs like Sharon Stone did in Basic Instinct. While all the guards are drooling over your legs, your friend is now free to shoot all the peas he wants at the speaker. As the male guards have been totally distracted by your friend, your chances of getting disfellowshipped will be greatly reduced. For those that feel particularly daring, you could fly a paper airplane on to the stage. If anyone looks at you, point discreetly at the half-asleep elderly brother sitting next to you and roll your eyes in disgust.
8. For the concluding song, start singing really loud, really off-key and one word ahead of everyone else. This throws everyone around you off, especially if you are singing "Be Glad You Nations". If anyone gives you a dirty look, wink at them and wave as though you were long-lost friends. 9. Make your way out during the last song and wait for the Never-Ending prayer to begin. Try to discreetly lock the outside doors. When the prayer starts, position yourself by a fire alarm. Look around to make sure all the good Christians have their heads bowed. Pull the alarm and watch the Christ-like attitude of thousands evaporate before your very eyes. Make sure you are well out of the way or you WILL be trampled to death. 10. If you survive, please write a thread on JWD.