Divorces...isn't that a "conditional" love?

FreedomFrog

I just read the thread on how many JW's were in "happy" marriages and it got me thinking...there is so much divorces, so many families in and out of the org. that break up over stupid stuff. We complain how mothers/fathers/friends cut you off because of different beliefs...

Wouldn't divorces also be on "conditional" love? More for the ones that divorce "just to be free" or because they "don't want the responsibilies anymore"?

Not sure if I ever want to be married again because I can't deal with "conditional" love. What happened to unconditional love? I'm beginning to believe there is no such thing.

John Doe

Here are my thoughts, fwiw. "Unconditional" love, by its very definition, excludes the qualities of the person receiving said love from being important. If someone loves you no matter what you do, how you act, or who you are, then you are completely irrelevant and not important. That doesn't seem like much of a desirable thing to me.

Odrade

Personally I believe that unconditional love is neither consciously nor intelligently exercised, it is the instinctive love that a mother has for a kid, even if he shot up her neighbors and robbed the liquor store.

Other than that (and maybe some other visceral/instinctive scenario,) I don't believe in unconditional love. I think that every relationship where love exists is based on merit in some way, whether it's healthy or not, there's always a reason to love or a reason to continue loving.

FreedomFrog

If someone loves you no matter what you do, how you act, or who you are, then you are completely irrelevant and not important.

Hmmm, then that would include parents who say they have "unconditional" love for their kids? Would that mean that their kids are "not important" in that since?

John Doe

It would mean the kids are not important in receiving their parents' love, yes. Remember, "unconditional love" must, by its very nature, be completely contained within the person doing the loving. (that doesn't sound right ;-) If you love someone no matter what they do or who they are, it is no compliment to that person, because your love is not based on anything about them.

FreedomFrog

Then what's the point in falling in love or developing close friendships with anyone if all of that could be lost?

I'm not talking about abusive situations here...I'm talking about things that use to be loved are now not because the other person's likes are changing.

Lady Lee

No matter what my kids might do I will continue to love them.

Marriage is a whole other deal. By definition it requires two people working hard to create a marriage. If only one is doing all the work (regardless of whether that is emotional, physical or in other ways) I don't know that it could survive.

I don't think that anyone should accept certain behaviors that are unloving, disrepectful or break the trust of the other. I don't know that the wedding vows are unconditional. Each promises to love, honor and cherish (or obey which few people accept) the other and then to be faithful. I find the order of these things very important. Fidelity is last for a reason. If a person follows the first three then the fourth, fidelity, should never become an issue.

I don't think it is real love that keeps a wife with her cheating partner. I certainly don't think it is unconditional love that keeps a wife from leaving the abusive partner.

I don't think in a marriage we can really say the love is unconditional. It has to be based on certain behaviors. Break the vows and the trust is gone. Sometimes couples can work through it.

Marriage is hard work even at the best of times.

John Doe

Then what's the point in falling in love or developing close friendships with anyone if all of that could be lost?
I'm not talking about abusive situations here...I'm talking about things that use to be loved are now not because the other person's likes are changing.

Nothing is permanent. Love changes. In my opinion, you have to have a reason to stay with someone in order for a relationship to work. Love can not be the sole reason. Relationships require work to be maintained--you can't just love someone and expect that relationship to work. Each must give the other person a reason to love them, and when they do, that love will be meaningful.

Sometimes separation is in the interest of both partners. Sometimes something like a sabbatical will allow them to fall in love again when they realize they do like the other person.

Unconditional love, I feel, is an excuse for laziness or a crutch for insecurities. I want no unconditional love.

nvrgnbk

People in a relationship should be together and stay together because that's what they both want and choose to do.

I've talked to couples, non-JW, that have been married for 40 or 50 years that have sincerely loved one another all along.

But far too many marriages are held together out of a sense of obligation or due to societal or religious pressure.

My JW parents fought everyday of their marriage in front of my siblings and I. They still do. About the dumbest things.

Isn't life too short to feel trapped in an unloving marriage?

What's good about that?

FreedomFrog

Well, you guys have convinced me... I want NOTHING to do with love ever again. Too much heartaches for the work that you do put into it.

I basically could be this perfect little housewife and still get no love just because they change their likes/dislikes....Many of my friends (bar buddies) tell me not to give up on love when I tell them I'm done with it...I'm now convinced I don't want it.

Divorces...isn't that a "conditional" love?

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