Changeling - thank you for giving me the benefit of your experience especially with the meds. Its bewildering just how many different kinds of drugs are available for this and a little worrying too. And it seems very unpredictable to know in advance what the side effects might be or how it will be if I need to come off them for any reason.
Thank you BFD - I always appreciate your kind remarks and I love your newish avatar - I want to go there!!!)
Snakes - I can't promise anything at this stage. I havent even been prescribed anything yet. I want as much information as possible before I put alien substances into my body. (Yes this from the girl who smokes!)
Hortensia you silly moo - of course I dont know you in person - YET - but I have felt an affinity with you since you began posting, we think alike on many respects ---of course that doesnt necessarily mean you a crazy too! ;-)
Interesting information there empty words. It would be great one day to know just the extent of mental illness within the witnesses.
I think what I need to do is take on as much information as I can. Please everyone remember that I have got to 32 without medication. I have not given in to any suicidal impulses for a number of years and they are just fleeting. I can overcome the most overwhelming of sensations. And remember I know during my lows that they wont last - they never last more than a week without a reprieve and this may sound crazy I actually enjoy them just as much and they have an equally creative aspect to them too. There is such beauty in sorrow, colours sharpen in this mode too. I never want people to feel sorry for when I am sad, because truly honestly part of me is enjoying that too. Having the label now just clears up a few mysteries about myself. I would say that I am extremely reluctant to lose the highs. I dont harm anyone during them, or even myself that often. I would like something to moderate them - not make them disappear altogether. And I am perfectly happy and content to continue with the lows, except for the fact I cannot let them interefere with my work as I need to continue to support myself, pay my bills and put food on the table.
One of the first things I will investigate will be St Johns Wort. Are there places one can go to to get advice on this from a complementary medicine expert? I am also extremely confident that if I can get some talking therapy so that I can think up new ways to talk to myself when I feel this coming on that I can regulate it better.
I know the popular consensus is medication but thats just the party line, thats what the medical experts say. But look through the ages how our definition of expert has fluctuated in all kinds of fields. Never was there such a proliferation of scientific and medical information available and yet never were more people chosing alternative forms of therapy largely unsupported by the medical profession. In China a completely different form of medicine is used to treat people and has thousands of years of practice behind it. The medical community doesnt treat people, it treats symptoms and that makes an enormous difference. And medicine as we know it today is still very new, so much is pioneering and so often it fails. I want to try to keep an open mind and absorb all I can before I make any decisions.
Thank you all so very very much for your thoughts and support - its giving me so much to think about.