TO BARBARA ANDERSON: MY FOURTEEN YEAR OLD SON

by deborahs_song 71 Replies latest jw friends

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  cruzanheart

  I left the Witnesses six blissful years ago at the tender age of 46. My children are now 11 and 13. Neither of them are the least bit interested in joining another religion. I'm happy without anything to do on the weekends besides things that are my choice and I celebrate my notion of a Creator and creation in what I see around me. My 13-year-old daughter flirts with Buddhist philosophy but shied away from actually entering a local temple when we went to their New Year's celebration. My 11-year-old son ponders whether there IS a god but agrees with me that the love and humor reflected in creation seems to indicate some sort of intelligent design. He is adamant at never wanting to enter a religious edifice again, unless it's of historical interest, like Notre Dame Cathedral (he does have his standards).

  My 13-year-old has a friend who is Catholic and she has happily accompanied her to a church group social evening, with our blessings. I told her anytime she wants to go is fine with her dad and me. No pressure or judgment either way.

  I figure they'll find God, or a Higher Authority of some sort, in their own way. They seem to be able to handle the concept of right and wrong without the threat of Heaven or Hell hanging over them, so we're all good with that and I hope they will develop their own concept of mortality and the universe over time.

  To quote Valis, "it's all good."

  Nina
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  Simon

  serotonin_wraith,

  Is it really possible for parents to in some degree not indoctrinate their children? Don't atheist parents influence their children to be atheists? Don't Catholic parents do the same? It is natural for parents to train their children as they believe. My husband and I believe that Jesus taught the worship of Jehovah not himself. We believe Jesus taught us to love our neighbor not to kill him in wars. Because we believe these teachings are good we try to instill them in our children. "Ophelia" is a young adult she will one day be on her own and free to make her own choices just as her older brother is but for now we are charged with the responsibility to do what we feel is best for our minor children.

  I can't speak for all atheists, but I can speak for myself. As an atheist, I would never make my child think as I do. I would give them the free reign of all choices. Atheism, Hindu, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Scientology, Mormon, Thor belief, Ra belief, etc etc etc. I would widen the selection considerably to encompass a wide range of beliefs. By teaching a child only one belief, we limit their choices.

  Exactly.

  I am all for teaching our kids about religion and beliefs but not teaching them religion and beliefs (huge difference).

  The best thing you can tech them is critical thinking and how to analyse things logically.

  This goes for both religion and marketing, both trying to sell you something and part you from your money.
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  sass_my_frass

  Hi Deborah: it sounds like you're going through a bad time. Before I left it sounded to me like a big question to ask: "Where Can I Possibly Go To?", but on this side of it all happening I can honestly tell you that you can safely go just about everywhere and you'll find people who will be able to help and support you through this process of moving on from JWs. The best suggestion I got was to take things slowly, and to be open-minded about the new friends I make. That is don't just look at church - look into lots of new hobbies and interests. Think about your talents and how you can work on them, and hook up with people who enjoy the same thing. Take up as many new things as you can and the more active you are about it, the more likely you are to make close friends.
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  sass_my_frass

  Do you know how many times we studied the Greatest Man book or the Revelation book?

  UGH tell me about it... I think it was the second time through that I started writing little diary entries in the page margins which were very interesting to read on the third time through. When they announced the fourth time through I stopped attending the book study. And how about the Daniel book? Talk about a coma.

  The changes that came in the 1990's were a trial

  Yeah that was the kicker for me.

  Ayway just wanted to welcome you to the board and I hope you'll be okay. It gets rough every now and then, just keep giving things time and be gentle on yourselves.
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  rebel8

  Good morning again,
  
  Interesting what you said about avoiding hurting your parents and also the possibility of keeping your younger kids in the org until they become adults.
  
  I have a thought--and I am not trying to hurt you, just sharing what I feel could be an important point.
  
  My personal experience of being a kid in the jw org--I wanted "out" the entire time. I tried so hard to be a good jw, and I was. I tried hard to find joy in it, but didn't. I pretended I loved it, like many do. I pioneered. I did an assembly part. I hated every minute.
  
  I constantly daydreamed that I would go live with non-jw relatives or that my mother would leave the org. I felt guilty.
  
  Not only did I miss out on once-in-a-lifetime things teens do, but every year, every month, every day in the org--its unhealthy beliefs, demeaning-to-women practices, and screwed up social structure--did more damage. Had my mother left when I was 14, I would have jumped for joy, not have been traumatized about a major change.
  
  Kids do not have the ability to verbalize this sometimes. Remember, they will be afraid to admit it, fearing a lightning bolt will strike them for saying it aloud.
  
  Nowadays I *still* have a lot of resentment towards my mother for forcing this stuff on me. I have little respect for her, and we barely talk. I get teary when people reminisce about their childhoods because I lost mine. I am angry sometimes. I have difficulty in social situations sometimes, 20 years later. My career started much later than it should have, so it will never go as far as others' has--a big disappointment to me. I am way behind on saving for retirement. Lifelong consequences!
  
  Just my $.02--maybe the harm to your kids for staying would outweigh the hurt your parents would feel if you faded.
  
  Maybe a therapist could help you sort out your fears of living w/o structure. Then you can decide what to do without being paralyzed by a fear that has been implanted in you by others.
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  eclipse

  Nowadays I *still* have a lot of resentment towards my mother for forcing this stuff on me. I have little respect for her, and we barely talk. I get teary when people reminisce about their childhoods because I lost mine. I am angry sometimes. I have difficulty in social situations sometimes, 20 years later. My career started much later than it should have, so it will never go as far as others' has--a big disappointment to me. I am way behind on saving for retirement. Lifelong consequences!
  
  Just my $.02--maybe the harm to your kids for staying would outweigh the hurt your parents would feel if you faded.
  
  Maybe a therapist could help you sort out your fears of living w/o structure. Then you can decide what to do without being paralyzed by a fear that has been implanted in you by others.

  deborahs_song,

  Sorry for calling you a troll before.

  Listen to the above posters.

  They are wise and rational people. I have learned so much from all of them.

  Hopefully you will take to heart their wisdom.

  I too, had an overbearing, domineering mother who thought she had my best interests at heart.

  All she managed to do was push me away from her. All her attempts at controlling the information I was learning, controlling who I could play and not play with, Controlling what religion I was taught, BACKFIRED in her face.

  Now that your son is 14, perhaps you can learn to give him a little freedom of thought. Simon said it very well. The best gift we can give to our children is critical thinking, rationality, logical thought, and the ability to make their OWN decisions about what kind of religion, if any they want to choose. Right now, you are trying to control what religion he is in, and I promise you, he will resent it later.

  You do not want your son to grow up resentful of you and your good intentions.
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  TopHat

  Hi, Deborah, I understand your dilemma...When I left the WTS..I tried attending other churches but found no solice there. What has worked for me is my own personal study of the Bible and God's word. I ask for the Holy Spirit to guide me in my understanding. I feel at peace with God as an individual worshiper. I to believe Jesus is NOT Jehovah but his son as stated in the Bible.

  I wish you well in your search
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  choosing life

  Deborah,

  I think you said it very well. I couldn't have described the organization today better than you just did. My next question is how many of the friends actually know this? Sorry I am so nosey? I have seen the last few changes in the organization from the outside. I could already feel what you feel, the slow drain, and sickly condition years ago.

  Those that are dying, are they looking elsewhere? or just withering up as people? One good thing you have is that you and your husband are on the same page. That will help a lot in the near future. I am sorry your world is imploding around you as most have been there and experienced at it one time. I don't think the society has had anything new in many years. It is floundering out there, not knowing what to do.

  Best wishes in your fade (if that's what you choose). There is life outside that life (prison), it just takes some getting used to, that's all.

  Sincerely, Choosing Life
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  deborahs_song

  My 14 year old son and his younger siblings,

  This is their life:

  They attend all five meetings and if they can they voluntarily participate. They engage in field service 2 Saturday's of every month and 1 Sunday. There are some elderly friends who could use some help and they chip in to do what they can. They have their friends in the circuit sleep over or they sleep over their friends house. They have had some parties at the house and attend whatever parties they are invited to. They look forward to participating in quick builds etc. though they are not always able to. Our children participate in all school activities including sports, drama, chorus and the school paper.

  I'm telling everyone here this so that you all can understand that I am not a strict mother and neither is their father strict. What we are though is non-Trinitarian and hope that our children continue in that path. But it they should not then that is their decision and we will love them just the same and just as we always have we will continue to give them our best advice on all things.

  Choosing Life,

  When it comes to our concerns we speak to no one but a trusted friend in the congregation. Our estimate is that at least 50% of our congregation is dying.

  Deborah
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  sosad

  i applaud that you allow your children to be in extra curricular activites

  if you couple that with allowing them to go or not go in the door to door work, you will be doing a lot to help them exercise and build up the ability to "think critically" - also , be aware that if they are close with other jw youths, they may still engage in activities that you as parents wish they would not - and your decision to allow them to be active at school will be "officially blamed" - when jw kids are cornered by their own parents, they go into a classic "fight or flight" and invariably turn on their other jw "friends" who have been involved in whatever activity they end up getting in trouble with. It is a really trial to be the one in trouble, and just as difficult to be the one ratting out the others

  Please ensure your kids really know they can talk to you about their own loyalties, fears, ideas and disquieting realizations about the so called truth. It will save their life - both in the sense that they will be strong enough to live THEIR life, and quite possilbly, it could save them from suicidal thoughts/actions if they feel they are alone.

  let them know how you feel, somehow, let them know when you and your husband are. you cannot imagine =how that will help them