by minimus 52 Replies latest jw friends
Panic, confusion, anger, stupidity, anger, confusion, anger, anger, anger, stupidity, regret, anger, confusion, acceptance, joy.
I am still damaged goods but, I do have a new outlook on life and for the first time ever in my life I look to the future with a plan and hope.
BFD
Liberation
I had fought the belief for years, always finding a way to work through it. I was in front of two prominent elders when my worst fears were confirmed. I wept like a baby and shook from head to toe. I was rent in two, torn asunder. Deception pierced to my bowels. Every aspect of my life was and is effected, nothing will ever be the same. I will never know what to believe anymore.
confused to the core......oompa
At first it was anger, how dare those buttheads lie to me. Then confusion, wondering if I was doing the right thing or not, but that second part did not last very long. Then a total relief, and joy, I was finally going to be my own person, and live the way I wanted to. Now for those who are thinking, oh you must have went out sinning big time. My reply to you is NO. I finally got to be the person that I was born to be, not what people or the Watchtower EXPECTED me to be.
A lot of us are sinners at heart.
When it finally registered that you did not really have the "Truth" after all, what went thru your mind?
When things "clicked", what was your emotional state and what did you about it?
Like Hamsterbait said....I can say that I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach, and it fet like a horse had done the deed. It was as physical as it was emotional and mental. I had been SO totally encompassed by the WTS for 30 years.
I had no one to talk to that would have any understanding of what this was like, or what I was going through, other than with those I connected with online. The internet exposed this hideous cult, and the internet provided me with many kindred souls that both supported and encouraged me.
I truly hope that I can return the favor by encouraging others who are leaving or have already left, and offer MY support and comfort as one who HAS been there and done that.
hugs,
Annie
Shock- I felt like a zombie.
Denial - I wanted to believe e-watchman's (read: lunatic fringe) bs about the evil slave, still God's organization yadda...
Anger - Protecting pedophiles and Malawi pissed me off. A LOT.
Depression - This is going to completely change my life.
Acceptance - It could be worse, I could be on my death bed.
Almost completely free - This is going to completely change my life!
It didn't take me long to figure out that the WTS was a religious scam, to begin with due to the very obvious lack of fraternal love among the so called brothers, calling each other brother was so hypocritical.
I reacted by becoming inactive as I saw it was pointless to bring anyone into a dictatorial and unloving environment like that.
I felt a total pratt to have been so taken in, and then i felt very very very angry!Then a mixture of sadness and then more anger, at myself as much as them. Scared too as i knew i couldn't be part of it anymore and knew the consequences of leaving. (so glad i did though!)
Minimus:
It didn't happen all at once because I doubted one thing and then another. The first thing to go was my belief that I would "never die". I am not so sure I really believed this at all so I let go of this fantasy of walking into paradise. I first made peace with the idea of death. I am sure a lot of active JWs have secretly shelved this idea now that they see themselves getting older and facing old age.
But, when I realized that most of the rest of it was bunk and how they lied and hid past teachings, a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach came over me. I kind of felt like I was in an altered state. After time, when the shock wore off a feeling of resignation and calm came over me. Acceptance came in stages until I am at the indifferent stage I am at now.
LHG
