one in one out...odds of staying married...how long til you know?

by oompa 36 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  jaguarbass

  When I made up my mind to leave in 83. I stopped cold in the middle of December

  . I told my wife and family I wasnt going to go to anymore meetings and dont talk to me like I'm a JW.

  I was fed up with it and I did not care what the consequences were.

  My wife continued to go to meetings for 10 years after I stopped. She went to meetings, I rode my motorcycle, watched tv, went to school.

  10 years latter she stopped and says she would never go back. She just couldnt figure out how to quit like, I did. She came from a large Italian family. I think she ended up doing a 2 year fade.

  When I stopped going, my meeting nights were tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. That still left Friday and Saturday nights and days to spend time with my wife dinner, movies, sports games, concerts, various forms of entertainment.

  Marriage in America is a financial contract to share assets and expenses. I married someone I found attractive and she had half of my wealth and I had half of hers. Hanging on to wealth was a reason to stay together at least for me. I had seen enough of the financial concequences of divorce.

  I wasnt going to pay for 2 residences and child support. And I didnt have too.

  I will say, both parties have to work at the marriage and we both did.

  As I said marriage is a fincancial contract to share assets and expenses, I've been married 35 years and my wife and I have accumulated a lot of assets, wealth to share.

  Ask a lawyer thats the legal deffintion of marriage.

  If you dont have any wealth or expenses and you dont have anything in common, divorce could be good.

  Maybe since I was so unfortunate to have been born and raised as a witness, karma and fortune shined on me after I left the Book Publishing Company.
• 

  jgnat

  Hi! One in, one out here. But ours was deliberate; we married each other knowing we had opposing religious views. Whether it is worthwhile for you to stay I cannot say, as I don't have a crystal ball. Here's a few observations I've made over the years.

  Any dramatic change in perspective and values will stress a marriage. This includes changing religious views. The partner feels justifiably betrayed, thinking they married one person and finding out they are married to another. This works both ways; it could be a partner who starts studying with the JW's, or a lifetime Witness who discovers the truth about the "truth" and decides to leave. So what do you do if you are the one who has changed? Don't assume you know how they will respond. Give them time to adjust. Give them a chance.

  I think it is important to spend some time figuring out the genuine personality of your partner. Are you in love with this person? If so, it will be worthwhile to help that natural person come out. That natural person may decide to come out with you. We do have some great success stories on the board where this has happened.

  I do think it is important also to work out what would be a "deal breaker" for you, and to write it down in a safe place. What circumstances would push you to say, "Enough, I can't live this way"? I think this helps partners separate the annoyances from the truly harmful parts of the marriage. It helps you work out if the time invested is worth it. For me, I won't live under the traditional submissive relationship. If my husband tried to force this on me, it would be over between us. Knowing that, it also helps me focus on the important battles.

  How long do you wait for a positive change in your marriage? I think it depends on whether you want the chance to start a new family, or if there are children involved. If yours is a young marriage and there are no children yet, you might want to make up your mind sooner rather than later. If you are a family already and there are no other complicating factors (abusive partner), you might want to wait until the children are past their teen years. But this is a guideline only. Every circumstance is different.
• 

  changeling

  Oompa: I'm just glad to see your mood shiftting to the positive. Hang on to that.

  changeling
• 

  oompa

  JGNAT: I do think it is important also to work out what would be a "deal breaker" for you, and to write it down in a safe place.

  I have been thinking about that too much too soon I'm afraid. Without "the Truth" it is leaving a pain in my lower stomach ever time I say, Let take the motorcylce up on the Blue Ridge PKWY today and do a picnic lunch and hear she doesn't want to mess up her hair with the hemet.............yeah........or a short hike in the woods......or especially go out in the ocean and fish, and I mean even in sight of land. I don't even have a convertible now for the first time in 24 years!!! (jeeps included). But I knew all that when I got married on the rebound, yet the truth of course was the main bond. I know I owe her more time, but when you said "deal breaker"....hell she already turned me into the elders, however she did semi-apoligize about that saying how stressed our she was and how she was praying "if there was something wrong that he let her know".......THANKS GOD!...couldnt answer ANY of my prayers, but let her stumble on an my JWD one week trail and its gods will be done! sorry for the vent............oompa

  And thank you changeling, I really do feel much more inner peace right now. Would still like more real life jwd drama stories
• 

  jgnat

  If that betrayal really is the "deal breaker", oompa, then it's just a matter of time until you pack your bags. Perhaps a lot of the pain you are going through is grief. You are revving up for the exit.

  Do be kind, give her time to adjust to the change, too.

  Kids? Are there kids? You'll be involved in her life and theirs regardless. Keep that in mind and make sure the separation is civilized.
• 

  aquagirl

  staying married is not easy,even in the best of circumstances.however,when one of the couple becomes superstitious and starts believing that a goodwill bought bureau might attract evil spirits,and that getting a birthday card from a friend is evil,i think that would be extremely difficult,maybe even undoable..hell,,maybe im just a quitter at heart,but i just think that life is tooo short to have it be bad and not sweet,ya know?
• 

  oompa

  jgnat:

  Do be kind, give her time to adjust to the change, too.

  Kids? Are there kids? You'll be involved in her life and theirs regardless

  .There are no kid issues and I am going to force myself to slow down and start yoga to acheive more patience! That deal breaker thing is tough, because she started off with a biggie, instead of appearing later. The good new is I get ZERO guilt laid on me for my JW departure and also not pressure to return or even go to meetings or pray. So I am trying tiny seed planting now, for her and everyone else I care about. One in and one out would never be my cup of tea, but I will see how it tastes for awhile.....oompa
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  My twin, oompa

  I only read the initial post. I will go back and read the responses after this uneffected response.

  ...we had a just a few things in common, but mainly "the truth."
  
  ....this one in one out thing could get old fast. How do you cope with it?

  It does get old. It isn't easy to cope with. I try to just get on with life. I do things while
  she's at the meeting. Also, I show consideration for my wife. I try to be a good person
  and husband. We continue to be distracted from the 800 lb. gorilla in the room by our
  daily lives. It doesn't always work. I relate to the "gets old fast" stuff.

  We also take vacations, go to the movies, go to the museum. We try to stay like
  newlyweds the best we can. Still, that gorilla is there.
• 

  Save My Soul

  In answer to your questions to me:

  I watch on TV this minister named Fred Price down in LA. He is on the W ord Network I think. His adult son came on and said, I learned n ursery r hymes as a child , but my parents read me the bible every night. I said WOW, how powerful . Therefore, I then started to share an account from the bible every night with the entire family, m ainly the children. Last night we stud ies Jesus account of the fig tree in Mark chapter 12 and Faith . They love it. I pick new accounts every night. I have 2 small ones that I discuss the bible stories book with as well. Because I am the teacher, I filter out the WT - BS . Y ou are right, I do not trust the wtbts . I have been a bible student all my life, so truth and falsehood is easy to distinguish now. I usually say, the JW ’ s believe this. I try to be objective . The Bible Story book is pretty harmless. It lays a solid foundation for the future.

  My mother said many years ago, NEVER neglect your family for the WT. She wasbaptized for about 40 years, prior to her death. My children can quote scripture s (Hebrews 11:1, Ephesian s 2:8,9 My favorite verse in the bible ) I am teaching them the bible , not a book . My 13YO is different. We discuss topics. I tell him both side to the argument. ( The cross for instance, Stauros, how the Romans tortured their prisoners , ect) Again, I use the bible to solidify the point. If we use a publication (i.e.Live Forever book) I filter the BS. M y wife respects my decision not to attend the hall . Our love is bigger than a publishing company in NYC. We have the common foundation that was mentioned earlier. One of our goals is to have all college educated children.

  I have found that even some elders do not believe the garbage, they go through the motions. Many do not want to loose their friends of 30 + years. It is purely social.

  Initially there was a problem with my wife, but now she understands that I try to be a great head and I am not mechanical anymore. Much more loving. As Franz said, I was “ In Search of Christian Fr e edom. ” I have never lost my morals, but I found Christ. As a witness, I never remember reading Ephesians 2:8, 9. That one verse is liberating alone . Especially in the KJ version.

  The common foundation is the key. We promised when we first married that we would GROW together. Despite her attending the hall, assemblies and the like (Yes, she wants me there) we have a GREAT marriage. Again, the publishing company can not be bigger than your love.
• 

  flipper

  OOMPA- I really feel for ya bro. Been there done that years ago in my first marriage to an overzealous JW. 19 years worth ! Your point is well taken that unless there are other common interests that you have with your wife, outside of having Jehovah in your little threesome , it will gradually slide downhill. Unfortunately in the witness religion, most of us who married too young, say 19 like myself, were brainwashed to believe as long as you have Jehovah in your marriage, everything else will work out and fall into place ! But life does not work like that.

  Jehovah doesn't explain to us what kind of family our wife came from . Whether their was abuse of our wife, or verbal abuse by parents, alcoholism in her home growing up ! There are so many variables that make a wife or a husband who he or she is, outside of what a religion can give you. They don't teach us in witnessdumb, that in order for a man and woman to really get along and be in love, they have to have in common emotional values, mentally interesting to one another, sexually compatible ( some like it more than others so if ya both like it ya better hope wife does too! ), your values in manners, showing respect, I could go on and on, but you get my drift. All we were told was, you have faith in Jehovah, put him first in the marriage, it's magic! Your marriage is saved by this great elixir of life- the 3 fold cord. Total crock of $hit! Takes a hell of a lot more to make it work . O.K. Oompa, end of my GD psychology lesson! I'm going to bed and getting sleep. Hang in there buddy, we luv ya, pm me if you'd like . Maybe we can talk some more. Peace to you my friend. Mr. Flipper