Help - running out of "excuses" for not attending meetings

by truthseeker 31 Replies latest jw friends

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  jgnat

  I understand, truthseeker. What I am suggesting is that you can direct your wife to think about the way she is being treated, and if it is fair? You can do this with gentle questioning.

  For instance, is it fair for congregation members to ask after your health? If they really cared, shouldn't they be calling you up themselves? Should she feel obligated to answer their questions? If she were ill and in the hospital, how would she feel if these congregation members were sighing and rolling their eyes behind her back?

  Teach her to expect proper behavior, is what I am suggesting.
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  changeling

  I think it's admirable that you are taking your wife's feelings into consideration. Leaving this religion is hard enough w/o making waves with loved ones.

  That being said, IMHO, honesty is the best policy. Have that hard "heart to heart" talk with your wife that you've been dreading. Be kind and gentle but let her know that you will not be going anymore. Assure her of your love and devotion but tell her you can't handle meetings any longer.

  Let her know that you understand that she will carry the burden of fielding the "friend's" questions. Tell her your sorry that this is the case.

  Then maybe offer some suggestion for her response. Things like: "He's great, we'll be meeting for lunch later" offered with a big smile, if she wants to catch them off guard. Or a simple shrug of the shoulders that says: "beats me!", and then walk away.

  Work with her, be compasionate, prove that being a good husband has nothing to with being a witness.

  Best of everything to you,

  changeling
• 

  momzcrazy

  truthseeker,

  My husband and I lived that way for 8 years, I have recently left. I just asked him for an excuse, and he said to tell her the truth. That's what he did, 2 days before we left for a DC. I went alone with two kids, he started a job on the road. Now recently he always said no when we asked him to go. I had brothers bug me about where he was. I told them I was here, I don't know why he's not.

  Just tell her and all who ask that you've decided not to go to anymore. Your wife probably deserves some explaination, her being your wife and all. I did appreciate that when he was home he helped get the kids ready and never tried to stop me from going.

  momzcrazy
• 

  WTWizard

  Perhaps now is the time to get a copy of Crisis of Conscience and study it together. That ought to make it two people not making it to the meetings, and then you won't have to deal with a wife that goes to the boasting session and starting that kind of gossip.

  As for your chest infections, I have several possible suggestions that might cut down on the frequency of them. One is to not go out in service where you are apt to run into communicable illnesses. Others include coconut oil (the lauric acid in it acts as an antibiotic that selectively destroys certain disease-causing germs while leaving the good bacteria alone), vitamin C, astragalus, and alpha lipoic acid. Taking those may make it less likely to come down with such infections. Just don't tell the hounders that you are starting this, and I suggest getting the Crisis of Conscience book first so your wife will not rat you out. Once you are both studying that book and stop going to meetings, then start on the immune boost. That way, your health is likely to improve and you will enjoy it.
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  Cold Creek Swimmer

  Try doing what I finally did. The last meeting I went to in my area I told the truth. A brother asked what my story was-a believer, baptised, why did he not see me. I told him that I did not go very often. He asked why-was I stumbled? I said no. The only reason that I ever go is if I am choosing to help my wife with the kids. "I don't go if I don't want to." He later asked me after the meeting if I would like to go on some bible studies with him in the evenings. "No." He said, "Oh, I understand, busy with work and the family, hard to get away." At this point I was the most honest I had ever been. "No, that's not it. I don't want to go on the studies. But thanks for asking."

  It was the best thing I have ever done. I have not been back since and no one has called. Honesty is the best way to get a dub to leave you alone. They have no idea what to say when you tell them the truth. They want to hear an excuse so that they can believe that deep down you really want to be like them. It is inconceivable to them that anyone would actually want to stay away and then be honest about it. It scares them so much that they won't talk to you anymore. I personally think that they are so jealous of your ability to tell it like it is that they can't deal with it.

  When all else fails, tell the truth. You don't want to go anymore unless you feel like going. You won't be there unless you feel the need. What are they gonna do? They already don't talk to you. My life became much more simple when I finally stopped making excuses.

  CCS
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  blondie

  You aren't obligated to give a reason. Just don't go. Of course, they will badger your wife. Tell her that they need to talk to you not her and keep repeating that or if they persist, just cut them off and go talk to someone else or leave. The questioners will make their own judgments with or without facts or input from you.

  Blondie (no pearls before swine--PBS)
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  Hortensia

  why not tell your wife the truth. Say you don't want to go to the meetings, in fact you will never go to another one, but you are really concerned how that will affect her. Then give her something to say to the folks at the hall - for instance she could say "I don't know why he doesn't attend the meetings. Why don't you ask him?" If she can just keep repeating that they need to ask you, and then change the subject, they might actually do that. Then you can tell them the truth - you aren't ever going back. You just don't believe it any more. Then the congregation can reframe how they view her - the wife of an unbeliever. She'll get sympathy. It isn't anyone's business why you don't go to the meetings and your wife needs to learn how to not answer inappropriate questions.
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  compound complex

  Good morning, Truthseeker:

  We of JWD often have so much in common. I was ill for years with chest infections and related pulmonary disease. After receiving a flu shot when ill [my then-current doctor said no matter] many years ago, I was sick an entire month with a continual 100-plus degree temperature. My wife got the questions and one JW's comment that I was milking the situation for all it was worth. The illness was real and seriously affected my life for years. Be that as it may, after almost two years of NO theocratic activity whatsoever, I feel wonderful in all health-related aspects. But I am alone for 7 years and with no one hounding me - from within or without; that makes a huge difference.

  You've already received helpful and practical suggestions as to being polite, not saying too much, not giving JWs power over you and helpful health tips from the Wiz. I have nothing beyond that to offer other than I'm no longer beholden to anyone, as in owing him or her an explanation.

  Take care of yourself and best wishes,

  CoCo
• 

  compound complex

  Good morning, Truthseeker:

  Edited - double post, darn! Sorry!
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  drew sagan

  First thing first, JWs will always speak bad of somebody who leaves. Its a fact of life and needs to be accepted. Don't allow yourself to be tempted into reacting to their judgments. They are valueless and you know it. Leave it at that.
  
  Because I shared my doubts about the WTS with my wife, she encouraged me to talk with an Elder. I told her no many times, but eventually did it.
  
  She thought the Elder was going to be understanding! As soon as she saw that he was not and that he attacked me and dodged questions I think she realized that there where skeletons in the closet in regards to the WTS. She opened up quickly and realized that it was not true. I quit going to meetings soon after and a few months later so did she.
  
  Looking back I'll tell you that at the time I hated going to the meetings because it violated everything i stood for. Once a person realizes its not the truth they want to book out of there as soon as possible.
  
  I can see now that some of my desire to get the hell out of the Kingdom Hall really was an over reaction. I could have put up with a lot more. But at the time all I could think of was how much I hated it. I think that if I had to go back now, say to get out a family member or something, I would not be that opposed to doing 'theocratic war' and just go through the motions to get what I need out of it.
  
  So look at your situation with balance. Yes, the religion is total BS. But your wife wants to go and you're going to have to find creative ways to make concessions pull off a fade. More than anything else, take your time and don't act without thinking things through!