Help - running out of "excuses" for not attending meetings

by truthseeker 31 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  OnTheWayOut

  OnTheWayOut,

  You're absolutely right. My excuses are wearing thin, even when they are valid.

  ......I haven't played the depression card yet, but I think I am going to have to. I'll let you know how it works out.

  You asked a question about depression. I don't necessarily advocate it. That's up to you.
  Using depression as an excuse is a fine way to keep missing meetings and service, but it's
  a personal decision to go down that road. If there is the slightest bit of truth to it, it can be
  exploited.

  Personally, I am with Blondie:

  You aren't obligated to give a reason. Just don't go. Of course, they will badger your wife. Tell her that they need to talk to you not her and keep repeating that or if they persist, just cut them off and go talk to someone else or leave.
• 

  Frequent_Fader_Miles

  is it fair for congregation members to ask after your health? If they really cared, shouldn't they be calling you up themselves? Should she feel obligated to answer their questions?

  I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment!. Your wife should never feel obligated to answer their questions about you. Maybe she should say something like: "Oh my husband would be so happy to know you asked about him! He'd feel even better if he could hear your concern directly. Here's his number."
• 

  flipper

  TRUTHSEEKER- I tend to side on the opinions JGNAT gave you and CHANGELING . Try to work on your wife in a kind way to really subtly get inside her head without her knowing you are getting inside her head ! It is a real art , and a high wire act in that you as a fading witness are still married to an attending meetings witness. It sounds like she is a sensitive woman, and I'm assuming that your marriage seems close emotionally, physically, and other ways outside of the witness factor. So if you want to stay married to this woman , your take was correct, you need to proceed with love and caution . That being said, have a heart to heart honest discussion with her about some things bothering you . Perhaps question her about the child molestation lawsuits, and you don't understand how the society did that. It has stumbled you, made you have doubts . But avoid saying, " I don't believe it's Jehovah's organization ". Do NOT say that as the elders would be all over you like flies on you know what, and it would cause more disruption in your marriage.

  I noticed in your post you said your wife has witness relatives. What about your relatives ? Are they witnesses or not ? If not , then perhaps they can be of emotional comfort to you. That being said however, I would just keep being a loving husband to your wife, have heart to heart discussions with her, carefully , and see where it goes from there. If your wife is not a fanatical JW, yet an emotional woman, she may start listening to your kind reasons on things if she wants to please you. It's worth a try friend. Good luck on it ! I feel for you, peace out, Mr. Flipper
• 

  Trevanian

  Tell them that going to the meetings keeps reminding you of all
  the problems in the world and you feel a deep pain in your chest
  just thinking about it. Basically, just think about field service and
  participation in the TMS, then take that feeling to other subjects.

  This is brilliant. Because of course the JW premise should make one physically ill.

  Medical textbook ill.

  But I think that using illness, or extended illness, as an excuse for not attending meetings is just wrong. No matter how diseased you are (compound complex, yes, I'm thinking of you), health is a wonderful thing, and ill-health is a tragedy.

  Most excellent is the old-fashioned honest approach.

  He later asked me after the meeting if I would like to go on some bible studies with him in the evenings. "No." He said, "Oh, I understand, busy with work and the family, hard to get away." At this point I was the most honest I had ever been. "No, that's not it. I don't want to go on the studies. But thanks for asking."

  It was the best thing I have ever done. I have not been back since and no one has called. Honesty is the best way to get a dub to leave you alone. They have no idea what to say when you tell them the truth. They want to hear an excuse so that they can believe that deep down you really want to be like them. It is inconceivable to them that anyone would actually want to stay away and then be honest about it. It scares them so much that they won't talk to you anymore. I personally think that they are so jealous of your ability to tell it like it is that they can't deal with it.

  When all else fails, tell the truth.

  BTW, has anyone else noticed how the ill-health of a "sister" is proportionate to her husband's ranking in the congregation?

  Bless all you ill sisters.

  Start telling "the truth", sisters, and you'll be amazed at how well you feel.
• 

  Trevanian

  Try to work on your wife in a kind way to really subtly get inside her head without her knowing you are getting inside her head ! It is a real art , and a high wire act in that you as a fading witness are still married to an attending meetings witness.

  Mr Flipper, I am horrified that you are advocating subterfuge and dishonest techniques.

  'Fight fire with fire' may be an English idiom, but do you want it to be a characteristic of your life partnership?
• 

  primitivegenius

  .claim that your allergic................. to whatever you need to. you cant tell me that someone in the hall dosent wear a gallon of perfume/aftershave to every single meeting. & that when you look at some of the judgemental a$$holes there that you dont start getting a rash lol or itching.

  hell they are building new kh left and right for supposed MOLD that dosent exist.

  or you could say you dont have time to attend meetings............ with all the posteing on apostate websites your behind on....... lol

  insomnia........... cant sleep at night so your up all hours and then the meeting day rolls around and........... you havent slept for 2 days and finally fall asleep at 5 oclock two hours before the meetings...........

  hundreds of partially true statements that can be exagerated............... but honestly the truth or no explaination works better in my opinion
• 

  AGuest

  Thank you and may you all have peace!

  If you are not being honest and forthright with your loved one(s)... and perhaps even with the Pharise... ummmm, "elders"... then you simply cannot deride them. For anything. For you are being a deceiver, and deriding them, therefore, would be hypocrisy ("a LITTLE leaven... ferments the WHOLE loaf...").

  In fact, if YOUR yes really doesn't mean yes... or your no, no... and yet, you malign them, then you might actually be even worse off then they are. For they, at least THINK they're doing the "right" thing; YOU, however, KNOW you're not... but do it anyway... for whatever reason(s) you use to justify... while condemning them. Doing wrong is not necessarily condemnatory in and of itself; however, condemning others for doing the same thing that you yourself are doing might be. Because if you are TRUTHFUL about yourself, even though a sinner... you are not a hypocrite (you know, someone who goes around pointing the finger and saying, "Oooh, you are a... whatever," while you yourself are that very thing). This is because you are hiding nothing on the INSIDE (you are not a "white-washed grave" - i.e., one who appears clean on the OUTSIDE but INSIDE is "full of dead men's bones"). A deceiver cannot rightfully condemn those who deceive, and still be "clean" on the inside.

  Best move? Remove the "rafter" and live in the light. Others, if they are "children" of light... will follow.

  Alternatively, remain in the dark with them. Just don't go around saying that THEY are in the dark... and that you are NOT.

  Again, I bid you peace.

  A slave of Christ,

  SA
• 

  choosing life

  When I quit attending, everyone would ask my husband about me. He would always tell them they should give me a call, to encourage me. They never did. After many months of this, my husband quit attending. I was honest with him and told him up front that I just didn't believe it anymore. That seemed to explain everything to him. I refused to talk with the elders, as I didn't believe in "elders" anymore either. My husband still believes a lot of it and I have 2 grown kids in it, so I don't challenge their beliefs. Neither do I push mine on them, as I don't wish them to insist on pushing their beliefs.

  It may be a balancing act for a long time. Only you know your wife and how best to handle your situation. The meetings were making me physically ill and emotionally upset.
• 

  jgnat

  Flipper: subtly get inside her head without her knowing you are getting inside her head

  Trevanian, subterfuge is used in a lot of marriages. I tell my hubby all the time he looks a lot trimmer after ten minutes working out, and I pat his flat belly.
• 

  38 Years

  It was my experience that no matter what excuse I came up with, it was never acceptable. No one would be bothered with me, like I was a marked person. They had already made up their mind about me and unless I became their puppet, they weren't going to change their judgement. I learned to live with it for many years, but stayed on the fence because of family. You're right, it's a depressing existence.

  I'm sure they like to blame it on your college studies. Health problems won't impress them either (tried it). Don't forget, the brothers in Africa walk through crocodile infested rivers to get to all the meetings.

  Everyone else may need to learn to live with your "token" appearances. It's a good path toward fading, which in my opinion is the best way out. Your wife will never like it, but she'll get used to it. She will be in the "hot spot" trying to explain why you're not there. Eventually, she may see the hypocracy and lack of love.

  Let us know how things are going. Again, if you want out, you've got a good fade going. They will just say you were never the same after you went to that "big, bad college".