A DF'd son needs an Elder/Father opinion

by feenx 38 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Well the book will talk about doctrine and JW history as well, though this is not the focal point of the book. But what I need from him is to find why it was that a panel of 6 elders met to discuss abuse allegations against my grandfather, and some of those allegations discussed were mine, yet I was never even told about the meeting until some time afterward, nor did any of those 6 elders ask to speak with me in a seperate meeting.

  Still agreeing with AGuest, Dad won't reveal such information if it is to be published.
  I would say, tell your therapist that you want the information, but you want it more
  than you want to be published.

  In other words, I would ditch the book and still try to deal with your parents.

  That's me. It's your decision. Alternatively, you can ask him about it honestly,
  and publish the book without much cooperation. The problem there is a strained
  relationship once he knows there is a book. I (or anyone here) don't know your
  family dynamic so I just post as opinion, not fact.
• 

  Burger Time

  No offense but why is your therapist trying to get you to write a book which will be published? I would be questioning your therapist intents.
• 

  Wasanelder Once

  It is fortunate that your father is on the weak side when it comes to upholding the DF'ing. If you want a relationship with him more than you want one with your therapist or publisher, ditch the book. Write it if you wish, that's therapeutic, some here have done that. Publish it? Not necessary for your catharsis. Post your words here and get real feedback from folks who have suffered similar things. I'm glad your father was able to bring himself to fight the powers that be and step up to contact you. Still sounds as if he's in the grip of the boys in Brooklyn. He'll only go so far I'm sure and then cut you off again if you push it. It's up to you. I wish you good health. W.Once
• 

  steve2

  Don't ruin your relationship with your father by presenting a publication that questions his beliefs. Build your relationship by all means. Even 'test the waters' of his willingness to listen to alternative views. I personally think you will well and truly doom your relationship with your father if you bring up these matters in the first contact in a long time.
• 

  TMS

  As you stated in the first paragraph of your initial post, your father has already stated that he could not, would not cut you off completely. You stated that he was willing to discuss issues relating to your sexual abuse. Based on what you've told us, your father appears to be a good man, someone well aware of the "special circumstances" associated with your DF'ing. Have you made use of his apparent willingness to talk about things?

  Writing things out can be therapeutic. You are forcing yourself to analyze why certain things occurred and why you reacted as you did. It's a process of self-discovery. Publishing that material does not increase its therapeutic value. The prospect of handsome profits for this whole exercize may be clouding your judgement. Making money on your past experiences is the last thing you need to do right now. In the perspective of risk/reward, the risk far outweighs the possible reward.

  Take your father up on his open-ended offering to talk these things out. Not that it adds any weight but I met both of the criteria in your original question with a DF'd son to boot.

  tms
• 

  feenx

  Well I think my therapist does have good intentions, though I can certainly see how there is the opportunity for alterior motives. It really is a story just as much about healing from sexual abuse and living in a mentally unstable household, as it is religion. It is by no means an expose of abuse inside JW. Plenty of people have heard about that. It is certainly a factor in the chain of events, but is not the catalyst to everything. Which is why I am hoping my parents would somewhat support it. I think from my therapists perspective the majority of severe childhood sexual trauma stories come from female survivors, though she estimates that there just as many male survivors as there are female. And though she has come across other JW patients (not all for abuse, just in general) and had some exposure to it, the more I describe to her the daily life, and in my case how that related to recovery, she feels it's an inspiring story that not only other survivors but also people interested in religion in general would appreciate.
  
  My reason for wanting to publish it is really just to try and reach more people. For me, it is just as much about doing what I can to help other survivors as it is to tell my story. I am not out to simply profit off of a book about abuse inside the organization. Actually what I'd like to do is donate any proceeds that I MAY, SOMEDAY, get from the book to Silentlambs. But that's neither here nor there right now.
  
  But you guys are completely right, I must consider the possible consequences in regards to my parents, something that I haven't thought too much about up until now. Previous to the "book" thing I have been contemplating not talking to them at all anymore, simply because it's very painful and I just am not getting any benefit from our contact, in fact it feels like a weight on my shoulders.
  
  SO I guess I have some serious thinking to do :/
  
  However despite the difficult decisions I definitely feel that all of this is healthy, and the road of recovery is never easy. So I will continue to travel on :)
• 

  AGuest

  Unfortunately, I am not so sure that I can agree with what some here are saying, dear Feenx (may you have peace).

  I have to ask the other responders: does "protecting" a relationship with one's parents outweigh the value of revealing the truth about a matter such as this in an effort to help others see, avoid, recover?

  Perhaps your therapist feels your story is somewhat unique (or less "common"), dear Feenx, and thus would have some effect in helping others prevent, recognize or overcome similar circumstances? At least, that's what your posts seem to indicate. In which case, you... and only you... can weigh the benefits... and the costs. Both of speaking up and of remaining silent on a matter such as this. Either way, someone will gain... and someone will lose. Of course. That is the almost always the outcome of situations like this. You have to choose who to "sacrifice." I would venture further and say that if your choice turns out to be your parents, so long as you were upfront and honest with them about what you intend to do... and why... then you should have no reason to feel bad (other than that the situation just calls for it anyway). At some point, THEY also have to come to grips with what happened. DENIAL... doesn't mean a thing never happened...or that there really are no consequences. THIS... your therapy and potential publication as a result thereof, is simply ONE of the "consequences."

  Again, may you have peace... and may the Most Holy One of Israel, JAH, grant you the gift of His spirit that is "wisdom and knowledge" so as to help you make this difficult decision... if you so wish it.

  A slave of Christ,

  SA

  P.S. I do have to say that I find it very interesting how MUCH... ummmmm... "obscuring" of the TRUTH many of us here are willing to do, and the reasons therefore. Could it be that we THINK we've left behind a lot more "baggage" than we actually have, such as "standing fast" in and "loving" truth? They are the ones who led us away from that, aren't they... and taught us to mislead? Shouldn't we STOP "following" them in their conduct, at some point? I'm just sayin'...
• 

  primitivegenius

  ok............... you have a couple goals as i see it............ you want that relationship with your parents (who here dosent) and you want to work out your issues which MAY result in the publishing of a book.

  in your situation i would meet with your father and do all the research to work out your issues........... he cannot fault you for that....... dont know how he would react to the fact your seeing a therapist since the dubs dont recommend anything beyond praying and reading the bible along with meeting attendance do more do more do more. but if he will buy the fact that your seeing a therapist........... and is ok with that, you could say that speaking with him would go along way towards working out your issues. leave it at that.

  if......... and i do mean IF you decide to write that book............. use a different name. people do it all the time, its accepted as a normal thing to do. go into the project with some doubt as to whether you will publish it and then you can make up your mind afterward if its the thing for you. buy useing JOHN SMITH as your name lol then they might not even realize that its your book.

  if there is an issue about you makeing money off of the book..... you can start a charity and all the proceeds can go there. you can even start your own charity and use that money to pay yourself a salary while looking for places to donate the money. nuff said........... all the proceeds of this post are going toward the victums of the watchtower society.(ps......... thats all of us)
• 

  steve2

  I have to ask the other responders: does "protecting" a relationship with one's parents outweigh the value of revealing the truth about a matter such as this in an effort to help others see, avoid, recover?

  Short answer: Yes. As a trained mental-health professional who has worked for a number of years with abuse victims, timing is everything. If, by "protecting' the relationship with one's parents (who were not the abusers), he now has bought some time to acquire better coping skills in therapy, then that relationship would have served a healthy purpose. No one is suggesting that he never reveal the truth of the matter to his father.

  In the current approach to abuse therapy, the focus is on "first things first" because in previous approaches the emphasis was on "getting it all out" regardless of the individual's ability to cope with the after effects (which is why many abuse survivors often become re-traumatised when they engage in some of the more "let it all out" therapies. Slow but steady is safer and enables the individual to mindfully consider what may well need to be done a few steps down track.

  The idea is to move away from the potentially de-stabilising notion that it is urgent to let others know as soon as possible. Sometimes that may be therapeutic, but more often that not, it is not therapeutic.
• 

  AGuest

  May you have peace!

  My apologies - I might need to clarify: I did not get the impression that Feenx's father wasn't aware, but that he needed to ask his father questions in order to further clarify and proceed with his "healing," and that part of that healing was writing a book that would help others (dear Feenx, please correct me if I've misunderstood you). And so I see his choice as "help others" potentially avoid/handle such situations rather than be destroyed by it... or protect Dad's... ummmm... "fragility" with regard to it.

  Since Dad alreadys know ABOUT it... what is he being "protected" from? The REALITY of it? The PAIN? My goodness, these things are real... and painful. For the victim as well as others. It is almost impossible to avoid that truth.

  Am I suggesting he go and say, "Look, Dad, this happened, and I need to deal with it and so do you." No. I am suggesting that IF he intends to publish a book about it (and I hope he does, as silence with regard to matters such as this are the very reason they continue to be perpetuated in the numbers they are!), and he needs information from his dad to do that, that rather than quizzing dad and then using the information without dad's knowledge... or consent... will do WAY more harm... that if he goes to dad and says, "Hey, Dad... look, this "thing" has taken its toll on me and I have to move past it and the ONLY way I am going to be able to do that is to put the pieces in order and put that down in writing, which I intend to publish. To do that, I need your help, I need accurate information. Can you, out of love for me, help me do that?"

  If dad says, "You know, son, it's gonna be hard for us both, and I'll probably get into some hot water with the Brooklyn folks, but, okay, I'll do it," well, then, there you go. If, however, dad says, "Uh, sorry, no, son, no can do... and in fact, I don't want YOU to do it and if you do I'll have to write you off," well, then, there you go. But at least EVERYBODY is informed and given opportunity to CHOOSE: dad, as to whether he will help or not, and son, as to whether he will proceed or not.

  But, again, given the exorbitant amount of HELP this might provide for an innumerable amount of folks who have gone through the same thing, I still say son might want to weigh the benefits... against the costs. And I don't think, excluding son's own fragility, protecting a loved ones fragile feelings is justification enough to let acts like this go untold.

  But then, it's been occurring like this for, what, many millenia, so who am I to rock the boat?

  I bid you peace.

  A slave of Christ, who believes that concern about "protecting" the feelings of everyone but the victim is the reason stuff like this continues in the numbers it does...

  SA