by feenx 38 Replies latest jw friends
My father has stated he is willing to talk about anything I want to, e.g. childhood, personal issues, spiritual issues, etc.
I am sorry folks, but if this is true, then I don't get where everyone else is coming from as to "father" having a problem, excluding actually having what he talks about published... and without his consent. It could be me, but... I'm just sayin'...
Peace.
SA
Hi Feenx It sounds like your father does want to talk to you about the uncomfortable stuff to me that sounds like he really wants to develop a relationship with you, seperate from the organisation. I think it is a step by step process, some the questions you have for him about judicial meetings are very important as thy have handled abuse abysmally and I think it is quite important to get it out in the public domain. I think perhaps talk to your father and ask to record it as you ant to absorb what he is saying and to take notes and reflect on it. These events have had a huge impact on your life (and your mum's and dad's - they must be heartbroken they could not protect you)and you have every right to process it. I imagine that this will be quote draining, as one poster said, it should be a process not all at once. So you may need a few conversations with your dad on various aspects as well as the other players and please ask him this question for me: Was there any feeling of dichotomy when you would read Awake and Watchtower about the articles about about abuse int he Catholic church, when you knew it was going on in your own congregation, was there even a twinge of discomfort? Personally for that reason alone I cannot understand why people are still going to Kingdon Halls, but this is not about me! You might find that writing it all down and establishing the relationship with your father is enough, you just may have no desire to publish, but as your story is unusual and you yourself would like to have your experience as a resource for other people, you may still want to go on. What you are embarking on with your dad may well be life changing, the result may be that he will leave as well. Only after you have written your expereinces and developed this relationship with your father (and it may take a while) then take a look at the lay of the land again to see if you want to speak to your dad about your plan to publish. If you do not feel you can bring it up or he says no, you may have to publish anonymously or wait until you do not need his blessing. It depends on how much of a public service you feel you are achieving by publishing, balanced with the calculated risk of upsetting your relationship with your Dad. I do not think there is any harm in going down the psedonym/ anonymous route. I do think though whether you are planning to publish or not, it is very important that your work through it, and writing is proabbaly the best way and you do not need to make decision this very minute about publishing. You should take up your Dad's offer to talk and opportunity to develop a relationship, not all witnesses have that level of humanity. Good luck!
First of all, I'm going to show you a successful reminisce that DID help a father and son be restored, and it was done by documenting their story as you want to do.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0282174/
Saul Rubinek first started this project to get his parents to start talking to him again. He was living with a non-Jewish woman, and his parents were heartbroken. Saul used a tape recorder and a desire to document their story of survival as a ruse to get his parents talking again. It worked, wonderfully. Also out of those tapes came the book and documentary, "So Many Miracles". One of my favorite books, ever.
Saul had a few things going for him. His parents are natural hams, and he has a strong natural bond with his parents. They are great people and a wonderful bonded family. You do not have a bonded family.
Here are my fears for your situation, which I can relate to. I mourned for years the loss of my mother to mental illness. I did not find peace until I reconciled myself to her loss.
You may never get the dad you've yearned for. I fear by trying to find him or make him in to the image of your desire, you will be deeply disappointed.
I THINK if you tackle your project with sensitivity, honoring your parent's choice to either share or clam up, you might have some success. Be willing to hear their story regardless how painful their revelations may be.
You may or may not get all you what out of this. You may not get a dad. By documenting what happened however, you might get some peace. If you are prepared to live with the answers.
You might need to find a father figure somewhere else. My stepmom, now gone, filled many empty places in my heart. You may find someone just as wonderful out in the big world somewhere. Like a senior in an extended care facility, perhaps, who is similarly looking for a family.
In my opinion, you are worrying about events that have not even transpired. First, write the book. IF you get it completed and ready for publishing, then broach the subject with your parents. Tell them that you wrote it as a form of healing, as a suggestion of your therapist. THEN tell them that your therapist has suggested that this book be published for the aid of others.
You do not have to lie, you are then dealing with things in the proper sequence. Do not talk with your parents until the book is written!
JK
I am a father with "abandonment issues" with my own father and was an elder for more than 20 years until I walked away three years ago. There's been a lot of very good advice posted here already, some of it conflicting. My two cents:
You're are letting "the book" get in the way of your judgment. In doing this, you are like the person who says "as soon as i win the Lottery I am going to change my life." Your odds of writing that book, much less getting it published, are incredibly remote. I'm not saying you can't or won't, but to put a relationship with your father (which you appear to want very much) on hold because you might write a book (or win the lottery, for which the odds are about the same) is a mistake.
Deal with your father first. Live the life that's right in front of you. Who knows, it may make you a better writer and help you produce an even better book.
Your father is like many elders I have known (including myself). He appears to be a company man, "all in," but in fact he is thinking for himself. The abuse issues within the family have no doubt made him do some serious soul searching and thinking. The fact that he made that call to you and opened up the lines of communication - without, as far as I can tell from your post, imposing any conditions on you - says a lot. I think you should take him up on his offer to build a relationship, but do it on your own terms. If he's just posturing, that will be clear soon enough. If he's not, you may be surprised at the breakthrough possibilities.
When I could no longer "do" this dub thing, I was afraid to tell my wife how I felt; but since she is my best friend, I confided in her. To my surprise, she was on the same page and we exited together. We both had some concerns about our grown children, three of whom were fully ensconced in the witness world. But we leveled with them, telling them that we loved them unconditionally and that it did not make any difference to us what religion they embraced. Then we held our breath, hoping they would accord us the same slack. The results were simply amazing. Today, all three are out, moving on with their lives, and much happier for the freedom they possess. We "saved" our family by showing the courage to open up about our doubts and concerns and walk away from a toxic religious environment.
I believe this was divine intervention from above. The universe, or God, or whatever you believe your higher power to be, rewards honesty and courage.
I was afraid to tell my wife how I felt; but since she is my best friend, I confided in her...
BRAVO!!
The universe, or God, or whatever you believe your higher power to be, rewards honesty and courage.
Again, BRAVO!!
Dearest jgnat: what you said. In total.
Peace to you all!
SA, your servant and a slave of Christ
AGuest, thank you so much for your comments! the one at the bottom of the first page totally nailed things on the head. I feel I have to be upfront, in a loving way, with him. And that is not only what I want in regards to the book, but that is what I need, for me. If he truly is willing to talk about things, then we both deserve for me to give him that chance, BUT at the same time I need to feel like we are talking as father and son, and that he truly cares about how I feel, and not an Elder and a DF sinner. That has been my entire struggle over the past 9-12 months, before there was ever any talk of a book. I feel like I am talking to an Elder who just happens to be my dad, instead of my Father who just happens to be an Elder.
AGuest, thank you so much for your comments! the one at the bottom of the first page totally nailed things on the head. I feel I have to be upfront, in a loving way, with him. And that is not only what I want in regards to the book, but that is what I need, for me. If he truly is willing to talk about things, then we both deserve for me to give him that chance, BUT at the same time I need to feel like we are talking as father and son, and that he truly cares about how I feel, and not an Elder and a DF sinner. That has been my entire struggle over the past 9-12 months, before there was ever any talk of a book. I feel like I am talking to an Elder who just happens to be my dad, instead of my Father who just happens to be an Elder.
AGuest, thank you so much for your comments! the one at the bottom of the first page totally nailed things on the head. I feel I have to be upfront, in a loving way, with him. And that is not only what I want in regards to the book, but that is what I need, for me. If he truly is willing to talk about things, then we both deserve for me to give him that chance, BUT at the same time I need to feel like we are talking as father and son, and that he truly cares about how I feel, and not an Elder and a DF sinner. That has been my entire struggle over the past 9-12 months, before there was ever any talk of a book. I feel like I am talking to an Elder who just happens to be my dad, instead of my Father who just happens to be an Elder.
oops...I posted that last one before I was done.
