A DF'd son needs an Elder/Father opinion

by feenx 38 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  feenx

  oops...I posted that last one before I was done.
• 

  feenx

  :/ MAC's and this forum don't jive well. SORRY.
  
  My father always tried to instill morals and bible principles in my judgement. I struggled with this for pretty much my whole life until I was out. Now MY morals tell me that if there's even the chance that I can help someone in a similar situation to what mine was, then that's something I must do. For them and myself. And that to me is eminently important. I agree that I must worry about things as they come. And I am assuming how he will react before I've even spoken to him. Publishing this book is not a reality right now, however writing it is. So I plan to talk with him about it, honestly, and hope that he will be open to talking about what I want to. Really the only thing I am unsure of how much he will want to talk about is the Elders meeting with those 6 elders. But he also needs to know how far I've come, and far I'm willing to go to heal and help others. And it is my hope, that as my father, he will support that. If not, then at least my conscience will be clear.
• 

  R.Crusoe

  It probably boils down to how you as a person reason and feel about yourself and about other people whom a book may affect. If you feel it could upset family and you have feelings for them which are sincere then you need to consider this. If you want to help others by publishing your story then first maybe see what is already out there - there are lots of similar stories already available to aid others as a sounding board. If you feel you may make money/ career from this then you are in a situation others have been in when they weigh emotional compassion against personal gain. Your situation may hold shades of all the above but do not treat any counsellor as God or being righteous. They are all human just like the rest of us and some have more issues than you may feel comfortable about. I once heard of a rape victim whose counsellor got so close to her family that she ended up marrying the rape victims husband. Everyone is human and so you must make up your own mind what it is that you want absent of too much influence from others.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  If dad says, "You know, son, it's gonna be hard for us both, and I'll probably get into some hot water with the Brooklyn folks, but, okay, I'll do it," well, then, there you go. If, however, dad says, "Uh, sorry, no, son, no can do... and in fact, I don't want YOU to do it and if you do I'll have to write you off," well, then, there you go. But at least EVERYBODY is informed and given opportunity to CHOOSE: dad, as to whether he will help or not, and son, as to whether he will proceed or not.

  But, again, given the exorbitant amount of HELP this might provide for an innumerable amount of folks who have gone through the same thing, I still say son might want to weigh the benefits... against the costs. And I don't think, excluding son's own fragility, protecting a loved ones fragile feelings is justification enough to let acts like this go untold.

  While that all sounds good on the surface, the two results in the first paragraph above are only
  two of a multitude of outcomes. Somewhere between full cooperation and full rejection of the idea,
  there is a father helping his son, and a JW helping to make a book that will probably look down on JW's.

  Be selfish man. There are a bunch of books out there already. Yours might be the next great one that
  changes the lives of millions, or it might collect dust on the shelf. Right now, try to name one book on the
  shelf at Borders that is helping change the lives of JW's or of Sexual abuse victims. I am sure there are some,
  but my point is that there are OTHER books that didn't get in the way of a relationship to be written, and unless
  we Google them, we can't even name them. Your book might just join that pile on unknown books if it ever
  reaches Borders (or others) at all. Repair your own relationships before looking at some greater cause.
  Jehovah's Witnesses trapped many people into joining the cult because the people thought they were serving a
  greater cause. Don't get wrapped up in the idea of donating to Silentlambs or helping scores of unknown people.

  The greatest recent book I have read that actually changed my life is MISTAKES WERE MADE: But Not By Me
  That's still available at the bookstores and at Amazon. But if I didn't find that book that most of you have never
  heard of, I would have found others. One of the greatest more recent books about examining the JW religion is
  CAPTIVES OF A CONCEPT. If you have been on this forum, you may have heard of it, but outside of this small
  group of people, hardly anyone knows it can help them free their mind from the prison that WTS created.

  Willyloman had good advice here:

  I'm not saying you can't or won't, but to put a relationship with your father (which you appear to want very much) on hold because you might write a book (or win the lottery, for which the odds are about the same) is a mistake.

  Deal with your father first. Live the life that's right in front of you. Who knows, it may make you a better writer and help you produce an even better book.

  Just to sum up what a couple of people said:

  Be upfront with your father. If you want to write down information for your own therapy, tell him so.
  If, after it's all written, you want to proceed with a book, talk to Dad about that. Show him the
  unpublished book before going to press. If you have developed a relationship with him because the
  two of you talked, honor his request that it not be published.
• 

  AGuest

  As a mother, I am truly saddened by some of the responses here.

  The TRUTH is that if my child was raped... or molested... by ANYONE... my FIRST obligation... is to that child. Period. No holds barred. As a PARENT... one whose act brought such child into this world, I am OBLIGATED to them... FIRST... in matters such as this... no matter what age I am when I find out. I OWE it to my child... to HELP them "heal" from the traumatic event(s)... regardless of how I feel... or what I want or do not want to know. It is the LEAST I can do.

  If anything, I should have known immediately after the first occurrence, because my child SHOULD have felt "safe" enough to come to ME... and tell me about it. This would serve to prevent, at least, perhaps a second or other subsequent occurrences. True, if my child did NOT feel "safe" at that time, that is not necessarily my fault (some perpetrators make threats, etc., that preclude a child from doing so); however, when I DO come to know of it, whether immediately after... or 60 years later... MY obligation is STILL to that child, first to say, "I ... am PERSONALLY... SO sorry that that happened to you... what can I do to help you heal and move past it?" and second, to help them do so. Sticking my head in the sand and "hoping" it will go away... hoping I don't have to deal with it... and using religion, psychology, or any other excuse to do so... is NOT love... for that child, whom I owe love to.

  The TRUTH is that I... the PARENT... must be the "strong" one here, not my child. Regardless of his or her age and (save my own physical fragility due to extreme or terminal illness or, say, I'm like 90 years old and on my deathbed), regardless of my age.

  GOOD parenting... can start at any age.

  May you all have peace.

  SA, a slave of Christ
• 

  Vinny

  "My reason for wanting to publish it is really just to try and reach more people. For me, it is just as much about doing what I can to help other survivors as it is to tell my story."

  **** You can reach more people through the many internet sites, as you are doing, and news stories than through any book IMO. Most JW's will not go near any book written by ex-JW's. Ray Granz, a former GB member may be the rare exception to this. The ones that do purchase books have often one foot out the door already. Some are completely out and just want confirmation through these other writings.

  If it's therapeutic, then absolutely do put everything down in writing and then see how you feel afterwards. But remember the opposite effect can be the reality as well. However, either way, I would suggest you not tell your father about the book unless you are 100 percent certain you will be publishing it. At that point it will probably not matter whether you told him before or after the fact because it is highly unlikely he will want any relatiosnhip with you if you plan to publish a book against the faith he is entrenched in. Especially if it is about his own family.

  You can have a very profound effect on others by sharing your experiences on the world wide web from my own experience. There are so many sites and articles in the news today about the JW's that are filled with JW's involved. The JW's will do that and go there on the web. But JW's buying a book, critical of the JW faith, is just not a very common thing. They ae TOLD to stay far away from such sources, because they are apostate, tools of satan, causes spiritual shipwreck... blah blah blah...

  Just be sure to think this one through carefully before hitting the go button.

  All the best,

  Vinny
• 

  AGuest

  JW's buying a book, critical of the JW faith, is just not a very common thing. They ae TOLD to stay far away from such sources, because they are apostate, tools of satan, causes spiritual shipwreck... blah blah blah...

  I must state the obvious: they are TOLD the same thing... about the Internet.

  Peace.

  SA
• 

  Vinny

  "I must state the obvious: they are TOLD the same thing... about the Internet"
  
  
  
  
• 

  cskyjw.sun

  disfellowshipping doesn't severe family ties