When DA'd of DF'd ones give advice to DA...

by changeling 49 Replies latest jw friends

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  AK - Jeff

  I can't speak for others. But in my case, I held the eventual DA off for a couple of years, thinking that I could 'salvage' relationships, etc.

  When I da'd, the feeling of complete 'closure' was not expected, as I had thought I had that. But it became freeing to me, in a way I never expected. I wished I had been more true to myself much sooner. Freedom came to me, not by seeing the cell door swing open, but when I finally reached fresh air and could express/live/chose without any of the cloak and dagger games involved in a fade.

  I have advised DA'ing to some. I never did it with ulterior motive, or a desire to see others join in my pain - for DA'ing reduced my pain. I found myself after I DA'd, though I had thought so before.

  Jeff
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  momzcrazy

  In my opinion, if you have your family with you, or if they know and are shunning you anyway, what difference is it if you DA? To me it would be one way of getting the elder gestapo off your back. My mom found out I left last week and hasn't spoken to me since. I'm not DF'd or DA'd. The elders in my sister's hall are bugging her, so she DA'd to get the to stop. I don't have any elders bothering me, so I'm not going to do anything. My hubby wouldn't DA because that is playing by their rules.

  That is why I asked Maddie about it. If you've already lost your family what else do you have to lose?

  Sometimes it is just the easiest way to be left alone.

  momz
• 

  Finally-Free

  Especially if they are the militant, bitter type...Are they wanting you to undergo the hardships they've been through?

  I don't consider myself the "militant, bitter type". I don't give a damn about bringing down the WT, as some do. I didn't like most JWs when I was one, so it's no skin off my nose if they continue to waste their lives. Most of my hardships ended after I got the JWs out of my life. Fading has it's own unique hardships. They might not be as immediate or dramatic, but they could drag out over a longer period of time.

  Are they secretly jealous of those who have faded and have kept their family together?

  Not me. I had only my mom and my spouse who were JWs. My marriage was on the rocks anyway. To my surprise, my relationship with my JW mom actually improved after I DA'd.

  Does misery want company?

  I've got all the company I want, and I'm not miserable, so the question doesn't apply to me.

  Each person should weigh the pros and cons for their own situation. I personally don't care if someone DA's, fades, or is DF'd. The only time I get annoyed is when people trash each others methods of leaving the cult in an effort to make themselves feel superior.

  I'm glad to see people leave the cult and find their freedom, and I really don't care how they go about doing it.

  W
• 

  changeling

  it is an act of cowardice to not speak out

  The above words are just what I'm talking about. That is exactly the attitude this thread was meant to target.

  I have seen too many people in pain come one here and have others make them feel like loosers for not DA'ing.

  It has made me wonder where this comes from.

  If you know your choice in life has caused you pain, why would you recommend it to someone else. Worse yet, why would you call that person a coward for not following in your footsteps?

  I am a successful fader and have no regrets. If I DA'd I'd lose children and grandchildren. There could be no worse pain imaginable.

  I am not a coward. I have had the courage to leave an org that defined my life for 47 years.

  I have had the courage to leave ALL my friends behind.

  But I will NOT sacrifice my relashionship with my children.

  Hopefully, my example of living a good and happy life will help them see there is life on the other side.

  I will not allow the WT to take from me what I hold most dear.

  And I will not badger others into following a course they are not comfortable with.

  I respect the desicion of those who have chosen to DA and support their efforts.

  But whatever course a person takes is a personal desicion and should be respected. That's all I'm saying.

  changeling
• 

  sspo

  But whatever course a person takes is a personal desicion and should be respected.

  I agree with that 100%.

  I gave more than 30 years to the Watchtower that i could have spent doing something else.I have already lost my marriage due to "spiritual endangerment" and I will not allow the watchtower to take away friends and family.

  I am fading and this is the way it's going to be. Talking to my kids is important to me and will never allow the elders

  to DF me or DA.

  I'm going to do it my way and not theirs. They have tried but no success on their part.
• 

  flipper

  O.K. Everybody, Jeez, take a chill pill! Gawd! I think our friend Changeling was just putting out an idea for discussion here . She even said in her opening statement she was not inferring negativity towards any who decide to DA ! Maybe we are being a bit oversensitive here !

  Look, I am a fader, and like Changeling , I have my older parents 82 and 80 who respect my fade, as I respect them being in the witnesses for 55 years. If they respect my position, I'm going to respect theirs. So I may still talk with them . Even as a fader many of you well know I have been very vocal towards elders and stated my opinions without getting dfed or daed. There is a proper way to communicate your point across so as to remain a fader if you want to, to still talk with your family. Believe me, I don't soft pedal anything, but I know how to get my message across without pissing everybody off.

  Having said that, I have an immense respect for those of you who have DAed or are DFed and have made your stand in that manner. If it has worked out best for you, then more power to you, that's great. I don't impute any wrong motives to you for doing it, and I don't believe Changeling was either . I have talked with her, she is a nice lady, very classy ! So please don't take offense so soon here. Some of us have different circumstances than others. For some of us it works out better to DF or DA, for others of us it works out better if we still are officially faders, we feel in time the communication line can remain open where eventually we can get our families out of the cult. So, we all have our own life situation, and only we know which is best for us personally ! All the best to my DFed friends, DAed friends and fading friends ! May we all have peace inour lives and continue successful in our endeavors ! Peace out to all, Mr. Flipper
• 

  llbh

  Hi Changeling

  I like u am a fader with family still in as is widely known. I have thought about going nuclear after speaking to people who have done on Saturday.

  I might already have done as now my picture is here on the board.. That could be fun, then I will be in the same position as Maddie!!

  David
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  Vinny

  Changeling says:..."I have seen too many people in pain come one here and have others make them feel like loosers for not DA'ing. It has made me wonder where this comes from."
  
  
  and then says...
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  "...Why is it wrong and scary for an atheist to post his thoughts or share with us something interesting he/she has come accross, but it's OK for some lunatic to post Bible numerology ad nauseum?
  
  I chose not to read religious threads. Why can't those who dislike atheism chose to not read atheists posts?
  
  When a person goes into a bookstore (supposing one frequents such an establishment) don't they gravitate to the sections that have subjects that interest them and avoid those that don't?
  
  Do people who don't believe in psycology, for example, shy away from bookstores, or boycott them, because they have a psycology section? No, not if they are reasonable people.
  
  We can do the same here. Respect and tolerate all who post, but pick and chose according to our taste.
  
  Simple really.
  
  changeling"
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• 

  changeling

  Peace and respect to all,

  I love you guys,

  even dawg,

  changeling
• 

  dawg

  "that's exactly what you're talking about" huh? Good, lets clear the air... for one thing don't do as all JW's do and pick and chose from what others have said-I expect more than that from you becasue I've seen what you're capiable of. THat's the first place you should start when talking to someone is taking in the full meaning of what they're saying. I said much more than just that one sentence, what I said is listed so you can read it anytime.

  As for your kids, do they have kids? Will they have kids? If they do or if they ever will you do want them in the WT organization? DO you want them to live full lives...? I can't answer this for you so tell me then Challenging if you have answered yes to either of the following then you'll be guilty of letting others in your own family suffer all for nothing except you didn't speak out. As for anyone still in the organization... they are suffering... we all know that... so letting them think you still believe does two things I can think of, first off it makes them think others still believe, thus insulating their doubts from challenges and secondly it keeps them from knowing all the facts, thus keeping them in ignorance. Congradulations those of you who do nothing!

  There are several reasons for this, the first reason is that some of you may be afraid of losing family, I can understand that becasue that was my main concern. I'm sure any of you can find reasons not to speak out, but that's you're decision... some have better methods than a straightforward assult, fine, that may work out better for you, but doing nothing? Hows that going to accomplish anything?

  So then Challenging, tell me then how knowing somehting can harm others and saying nothing is an act of bravery? In the first place, the fact that the JWs have made barriers where they can't be questioned without shunning those who question is their own fault, not those of us who have the facts and know better; they're should never be a situation where anyone can't question their own damned loved ones without being shunned... I know they'res nothing anyone can't ask me without shunning, including you and this insulting thread.

  It took me a while to fugure it out, but as I've said time and again, you that are here everyday moaning and groaning about the organization, and then getting pissed becasue many of us have spoken out and encourage others to do so are really just mad becasue deep inside you know you shoud do something.., you're words will have no efect on me. But you're angry becasue you know better so you make up some hairbrained thought that we want others to suffer when it must in fact be you that don't do anything that want others to suffer. If you didn't want them to suffer you'd speak out and help to end their suffering... strenth is in numbers, if we all stood together I bet more and more would follow... But, maybe you just feel better thinking bad thoughts about us that do something; if that's the case enjoy yourself...

  I still wish you the best Challenging, I'm sorry we are having words, but next time don't question my motives and you won't hear a peep from me. Youknow nothing about me, and have no reason to think such thoughts... good day.