Need some advice

by KICKED OUT 62 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  AudeSapere

  My long-inactive brother and his non-jw wife went through something like this with my mother when their daughter was about 4 years old.

  My mother had an on-again/off-again disowning of my brother for leaving the 'truth' when he was 16. She rescinded the disownership when it served her needs and it was extremely exhausting for my brother. But he played the game until...

  My sister-in-law was brought into it. Mom wanted SIL and the grandbaby but not my brother. My SIL put her foot down and stated in no uncertain terms that if Mom didn't have a son, then she didn't have a DIL or granddaughter. They were a family and would be accepted as a family or not at all.

  14 years later Mom moved in with them. (Not for long, but that's another story that's not really mine to tell...)

  Others here have taken a similar stand. The JWs can't have it both ways. Plus, as the baby gets older, it should be unconscienable to allow a grandparent to insinuate that the child's beloved parent is somehow evil and unworthy of the simple dignity of a greeting from their own parent.

  Congrats on the Baby!! Good Luck with the Dub-Grandmom.

  -Aude.
• 

  Odrade

  I'm with the "keep her out" camp. Here's why: Your mom has shunned you. She may have some ideas of "saving" her grandchild. When it is clear to her that you will not allow her to preach to your kid, she will be like all the other stories on here of JW grandparents who are in and out of kids' lives, hurting them in the process.

  If she is a Patterson die-hard, she will be unable to restrain herself from making comments like "If daddy doesn't love Jehovah he will die at Armageddon." They hear those rotten experiences of tiny children saying "I don't want daddy to die!" then the inactive one comes back. You know how hard they believe that can happen. Even if you set a no-preaching rule, she's not going to do it in front of you.

  Also, how will it be for you and your child when he is old enough to see that grandma won't talk to dad? Think of how distressing that would be for a child.

  Exposing a child to a JW relative who is actively shunning a member of the family is damaging. You are the parent, and as such you need to protect your child from that kind of behavior.

  Even though you don't blame your mother, because she is indoctrinated with WT rules, SHE does choose to follow them to the strictest extent. She has to bear some responsibility for that.
• 

  Gregor

  I would give her the benefit of the doubt in this way- Tell her to verify the following:

  First, she is "going beyond" what is written by the WTS. A family situation like you describe would not require her to jump out the window to avoid you. If you ran into each other as she arrived or when she was leaving there would be no reason not to be civil, "Good Morning, Mom" "How did it go today" "Thanks for helping out" etc. The Watchtower has always maintained that the only no no with close family contact was to "have a spiritual good time" with the shunned one. So, unfortunately, you wouldn't be able to study the Watchtower with her or break bread together.

  It is revealing how many JW family members are more harsh and cold than required. It exposes personal hurts and disapointments and gives them an excuse to be sub-human.
• 

  Cc81

  Kicked out, No. Not in LI. I was actually raised in MA. Moved to NY with husband for his job. Looks like we are moving again soon... sigh
• 

  Emma

  If you decide to be generous and let her in, be very careful. She may very well want to get to your wife and the baby with "the truth." She'll have all day to subtly preach and get an in with the baby. My mother didn't want to visit with me but wanted to take my young children for the summer. I knew all too well they'd be brainwashed and had to say no.

  Please let us know how this works out.

  Emma
• 

  Snoozy

  Gregor..actually that "Breaking bread" thing is sometimes overlooked also. My JW MIL needed a lot of help with her farm after her hubby passed away.My husband (her son) used to help them on weekends but I usually worked or stayed home.

  After her hubby passed away it was getting to be too much for my husband alone, so I offered to help. We did all the yard work, painting and gutter cleaning etc. Since it took us the better part of the day or weekend we would eat with her. Often she had JW friends over that knew of my situation (D.A. in 1975) and would also eat with us (me). Sometimes they would even say a prayer.

  I know they stretched the rules for the circumstance because the brothers had inquired with the KH I used to attend and also sent for a copy of my DA letter. They concluded that it would be allright to eat with me but not discuss the bible with me.

  Funny, because when they had their anniversary party (Before her hubby was deceased) at a local recreation hall I was invited...then dis-invited because I may have been a bad influence on any new ones that may attend.(Me Bad)

  So next thing that happens is the other witnesses needed some help and who does his mom ask? I guess it was OK since I was merely helping hubby.....

  Anyway, I got nothing but mixed signals..which is what will happen to Kicked Out. He won't know where he stands and will be made to feel like he is not quite good enough ..His Mom will throw all her attention on his wife and new baby. All her conversations will be directed towards them and he will be completely left out. This is an important time in his life that can not be replaced.This should be a bonding time for him and his wife and new baby.

  I know they may need help with the baby and all but this should be a husband and wife experience only! I would tell her she can visit later and they would welcome her. But not during this time. Showing they aren't shutting HER out.

  My two cents worth as a XJW that dealt with a JW family (In laws)

  Snoozy...
• 

  KICKED OUT

  Thank you for all the advice, i will read it all with my wife tonight. Keep the advice comming if you have any to give.
• 

  lrkr

  I'm amazed at how you're handling this. I, like others, would be fuming. But you're approach to let her in is much more mature. You're right. Any chance at turning her around is worth it. There's no reason to let ideology come between family. You have to show her that you are bigger than that.
• 

  cognac

  ok - I have not read the other posts, but this is what i think:

  Your mom is brainwashed. The reason she is ignoring you is not because she hates you, but because she loves you so much she is willing to the most difficult thing probably she has ever had to do in order to help you. In order to put you first way, way above herself... That's how I believe she really in her heart feels. And it is devastatingly difficult for her to do this. She is NOT heartless. She really believes she is sacrificing herself for you... I'm sure she loves you wayyyyyyyy more then she loves even herself...

  She just is brainwashed, so she does not realize what she is doing is wrong.

  I would absolutely accept her into your life in whatever way you can... Maybe this will help her really little by little see the truth and get her to understand how the borg really is...
• 

  sparrow

  If you are hoping to have her in your life, I would use this to your advantage, Work out some very, very sneaky ways for your wife to say/do things to make her think. If she is keen to have a relationship with your kid maybe focus comments around the child (e.g. blood doctrine, peodophiles, education etc etc) Do it subtle and in context of day to day happenings in the beginning and as time goes by not so subtle. It's possible she could wake up and come around OR otherwise make her own decision not to keep the relationship with the grandson which would be hard if she was attached by then.

  I kind of do this with my parents but fortunately they have never shunned me so it's more a case of trying to get them to stop wasting time at meetings.

  Me personally - I'm of the attitude that anyone that shuns me can get f#$ked...