jwd confusion in relationship... help (page 2)

brinjen

I went out with a guy a few years ago with the same mentality, only with him it was over his parent's divorce and the fact he didn't see his dad much. Never again. Only he himself can work through his issues and deal with it, but he sounds like someone who (like my ex) expected someone else to pick up the pieces for him, "fix up" his life and then hand back to him on a platter. It's emotional abuse.

jocettejane

Ok... thanx everyone for the posts.

He was raised jw and got disfellowshipped when he was a teenager.

Now he's reeming me over the phone on his work break because he's saying that I said some bad stuff about him in the post when all I wanted was help for our relationship. For him.

Now he threatening to break up rather than help our relationship by me coming here to get help.

I love him and I don't wanna lose him.....but now he's putting this all on me.

VoidEater

Sadly, I think he has learned at least the "control" aspect of the religion - I don't think he wants help, or wants you to get help - he wants to wallow in pain, and drag you into it for company.

I hope I'm wrong.

AlmostAtheist

When you cry out for help with a relationship, it's because something is bad. You describe the bad thing, and that's pretty much all the listener knows about. Given what they know, they say, "Run! Get out of that relationship!"

Perhaps it would help if you told us why you love this man? What is your relationship based on? I understand that love defies description, but can you personalize him and your relationship a bit?

I say all this because you wrote: Now he's reeming me over the phone on his work break because he's saying that I said some bad stuff about him in the post when all I wanted was help for our relationship.

And I had to wonder, "Would she react this way if HE went looking for help?" I assume not.

Then you said, "I love him and I don't wanna lose him.....but now he's putting this all on me." And again I had to ask, "Would she treat HIM this way?" Probably not.

So to avoid just hearing "leave him, leave him" from everyone, it might be useful to know why you're NOT leaving him. This isn't a jedi mind trick to get you to see he's not worth keeping -- I assume he IS worth keeping. This stems from a conversation I had with a friend who's always complaining about her boyfriend. Today she happened to mention something nice he did for her. I told her it was good to hear something positive about him, so she went on to relate more and more. Turns out I only ever hear the bad stuff, so I had a very unbalanced view of her relationship. Now I "get" why she stays with him.

If you don't want to share, don't. No pressure. I'm just asking.

Dave

darkuncle29

He may not be physically beating you, but this is a control & abuse dynamic. If you value yourself one iota you will get out of this relationship. You may THINK you love him and that he loves you, but you're blinding yourself. Get out. Get away. He has problems that he has no way of coping with so he's just looking for someone to be miserable with him, to take the edge off.

Because this is your life and you are too close to get an external view, think of it this way...If one of your closest girlfriends came to you with this story what would you tell her?

JWs are messed up, do not get involved with them.

Not directed at you, but the general populace: Why! Why! Why do so many women get into abusive relationships and then they're surprised? Hey, men do it too, but still Why?!?

My sister is in a physically abusive relationship, so this pushes my buttons some.

VoidEater

Why do so many women [and men] get into abusive relationships and then they're surprised?

Because it is familier in some way, they believe somehow that this is the way relationships "should" be, and look at it as proof of the vailidity and "love" they desire. It may be the same dynamic that makes people run into the arms of a vengeful and merciless God figure.

Sometimes it's recreating early relationship dynamics; sometimes it's a streak of masochism, a sense of unworthiness, a need to "prove" how much they don't deserve anything better - and, again, sometimes the personality is wired into believing that's what a "good relatinoship" is all about.

Sometimes people just don't know there's something better available.

jocettejane

Thanx Dave for your extensive advices -Your boyfriend was raised a JW, but was never baptized. -----raise jw, but I'm not sure about the baptized thing, I think he was

-He "knows it's the true religion" but isn't living up to its standards, and it's killing him. -----he says he doesn't believe anymore

-He's getting pressure from his parents to "serve Jehovah properly". -----that's an always thing

-You're considering becoming a JW too, to help him become one, so you can both be happy. ------I want him to be happy

>> This goes against everything I've ever believed, but if my man is going to continue like this, I feel I need to help him remedy. Should change for him?

His suffering is coming from trying to live a life contrary to the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses, while still believing those teachings are correct. You would help him much more by helping him to see those errors, than by becoming a JW yourself. But you can't just show him a bunch of cold facts that refute their teachings -- it just doesn't work that way. If you're interested in helping him in this way, look around this forum for information on helping a JW husband or wife break free. You could start here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/77159/1.ashx

Dave -------Thanx Dave, how do I haelp him see the errors? and I went to that site, but I haven't found one that is comparable yet....

jocettejane

brinjen: I thought maybe it's the "you couldn't possibly know what I've been through you've never..." type guilt trip. -------no, it's not a guilt trip thing. it feels like that sometimes but then I catch myself and remind myself that none of that applies to me. which then hurts more because it's affected me by that time already and goes against my beliefs of allowing another religion to do so.

sweetface2233

OK, you can't talk to him about how you feel, but you can talk to him about joining an anonymous discussion forum to ask some advice about his situation? Now he is threatening to break up because of your concern? This guy just keeps getting better! Does he have a brother or maybe a cousin who is single? I am single right now and would love to be emotionally abused day in and day out because I can never do anything right. I really want to take a shell of a man and have him blame me for all of his emptiness.

JC, his issues are so far beyond his JW upbringing, it's not even funny. He's not your child or your puppy; he is a grown ass man that, from what you are describing, he should get some therapy before he has a relationship w/ anyone. He is being selfish and abusive. Do you really want to live the rest of your life life this? He may say that he loves you (I am assuming, becasue you said that you are engaged), but his actions are proving differently. Take it from someone who was married to an abusive husband for 6 years...cut your losses and move on, because it WILL get worse.

I hope the best for you.

AlmostAtheist

Hey Jo,

Sounds like I had things all messed up. Thanks for the clarifications. To sum up, he's disfellowshipped, he doesn't believe in JW's, but he's constantly getting pressure from his folks to "return to Jehovah". Correct?

I'm not sure I get it. :-( If he doesn't believe it, why do you need to show him any errors? I'm not trying to be difficult, I just don't understand.

Family pressure I understand. Is he dependent on them for anything? Does he work for his dad, or share a business with him, or anything like that?

I think what we're seeing is this: You're very upset. You're nearly panicked over this. And it's making your descriptions sort of go every which way. And of course you're not a JW and never have been, so your terminology may not be spot on. Don't sweat any of that -- just calm down, slow down, and explain.

Perhaps approach it this way: What could change to make things better?

Dave

jwd confusion in relationship... help

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