I also want to comment on something that AlmostAtheist mentioned. There is one thing that really bothers me when newbies questioning XJWs join the forum is when people attack the poster w/, "RUN...IT'S A CULT!!!" Although it is GREAT advice, it's the first thing that the controlling members of JWs warn against and can, more than likely, push them back in. However, when someone is only talking about negative things, especially when it comes to a relationship, that means that the negative things are always at the forefront of their mind. Life is too short to put up w/ constant negative feelings. I honestly didn't hear any positive things about this guy. That says a lot in itself.
jwd confusion in relationship... help
by jocettejane 47 Replies latest social relationships
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jocettejane
Dave said: When you cry out for help with a relationship, it's because something is bad. You describe the bad thing, and that's pretty much all the listener knows about. Given what they know, they say, "Run! Get out of that relationship!" ------eek, that's what I've been reading, But I don't want to leave him for "this"..... I want to help him get over "this"..... I want to help his pain stop. Then hopefully my pain will stop too.... over "this", not through with, just over with.
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Hortensia
oh honey, you need some therapy. You need to go to a good psychologist to see why you are so confused. Your story was full of conflicting statements like he's the most wonderful man in the galaxy followed by the statement that it's getting hard to love him. Huh? Let him go, and go straighten yourself out. Your relationship with him is doomed, anyway, although I don't expect you'll believe that.
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jgnat
Here's all the reasons I don't think he's a keeper:
When it's good it's good, but always shortlved, and when things hit the fan it's worse than the problems before and we are stuck with them for what seems like an eternity.
But I get the jwd excuse...not take responisibility for himself for the hurt he causes the relationship.
He's always mades it seem like they're all against him.
I'm the one who lovs him, no matter how much he doesn't see it.
I know he helps my family a little too, but he complains about them afterwards
Some times I try to bring it up, he sinks into his self-destruct hold and he says that he's just like that because he's jwd.
I'm getting really tired (my heart aches and breaks) of this behavior every day after day after day, for years already
Here's all the faulty ideas you have about a relationship:
I thought it'd resolve on its own, not get worse.
I always thought my abuser would get better next time, too. When we had a baby I thought it would get better. When we moved I hoped it would get better. But the moods and the fights would start up again. You are living a fantasy, girl. Problems don't go away all by themselves.
I want to spend the rest of my lfe wth this wonderful man that I know I'll never find again, even in the next galaxy over.
Are you in love with the idea of love? I mean, really. From all you've described this is a one-sided relationship. This is not a wonderful man. There are other men in the galaxy who behave a lot better than this. I wonder even if you have ever felt what it is like to be fully loved back, to receive as well as give.
I've sucked it up after every defeat we've had, every blow we had to our hearts, spirits and pocketbooks, and looked past all the hard stuff
You have taken all responsibility in the relationship. It is uneven, and you are helping your fiancee remain in denial. As long as he has you covering up all the bad stuff, he doesn't have to deal. You are not good for him.
When something goes wrong from my end, I try to resolve it by myself before ever bringing it to him because I don't want him to have to think about more stuff we can't handle. ....I've changed thngs about myself just to make him feel better, to make things easier for him
So your soul disappears and he goes on as if nothing happened. I think this is the saddest thing in an uneven relationship. A wonderful human being disappears. And he never learns to give even when it is hard.
he's never treated me badly
Whoa! Denial, sweetie! What are you waiting for? A black eye, a broken arm? He's treated you badly...plenty! As soon as he says, "It's all your fault."
I've given this man everything I ever had and gotten on my own in this world and was proud of and I gave it all up willingly for us
You gave it up for nothing. Again, this is an unequal relationship. You are doing all the giving. He's a black hole because he's not dealing with the tragedy of his life. You can keep pouring in to the black hole if you like, but nothing is coming back out.
I can't tell him any of this because I feel that I shouldn't worry him with my feelings.
Don't you ever, ever, ever give away your need to be heard! A beautiful relationship should have give and take. If you can't speak of your innermost fears, what kind of relationship do you have? It's a sham.
The following is very true. If you stay with him, this is your future:
I feel it's never going to be enough no matter how much I give him of me
And you want to fix him. People are not cars or plants. You can't make them over in to your ideal. They have to want to change.
I don't ever want him to forget his good father
but if my man is going to continue like this, I feel I need to help him remedy. Should change for him?
I want to progress in the relationship, not go backwards...........what do I do?
He is an abuser and he's got it pretty good going on. He can do what he wants and if you ask for help, it's your fault for making him look bad. Where are you? You are disappearing. This makes me very, very sad. He hasn't moved on, doesn't want to move on. You won't let go of him and every day you are less of your real self. This relationship is dead and stinking like a rotted fish on the shore. And you want to bring it to life. Please stop. Please give him the ring back, get in to your own place, and get back in to school. I'm sure there's at least one other man in this galaxy who can love you better than this man can.
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sweetface2233
Thank you for that post, jgnat, and please excuse my humor, but a lot of it made me laugh, only becasue I HAVE BEEN THERE.
JC, you have at least 2 women here who have admitted to being abused for years. Please, at least take a break from this BOY, he is no man, clear your head, and try to understand why you feel he is your "project" to fix. Do you have a psych degree and can analyze his actions and give him sessions and exercises to help him get over his issues? Even if you do, he's not asking for help. Have you ever tried to feed a chicken shit sandwich to someone who refuses to eat it? The end result is not a good one.
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jocettejane
Dave said: Perhaps it would help if you told us why you love this man? What is your relationship based on? I understand that love defies description, but can you personalize him and your relationship a bit?
------I don't know what to say first, I don't want to give away too many things about him because I know he frequents this site. He's the one who told me to come here in the first place. I did say "I've changed thngs about myself just to make him feel better, to make things easier for him, and I knoe he's don the same for me in many ways and I love him and thank him for those things. " We do a lot for each other, but "this", we haven't always seen eye to eye on. I'll just say that he's very special to me and that I want to stop the pain from his past from constantly keeping us from movng forward. There's many details and examples, but I don't want to lay them out here. Our relationship is based on being together about everything..... but "this" I haven't been able to help him out of yet. I've tried everything I know how to do to get his mind off of it or to help him see things a little more worldly and not just tell me that he doesn't understand because he was df'd. I want him to tell me he'll try to understand and make the efforts to do it. I didn't know if he could so that's why I'm asking for help.
Dave said: So to avoid just hearing "leave him, leave him" from everyone, it might be useful to know why you're NOT leaving him. This isn't a jedi mind trick to get you to see he's not worth keeping -- I assume he IS worth keeping. This stems from a conversation I had with a friend who's always complaining about her boyfriend. Today she happened to mention something nice he did for her. I told her it was good to hear something positive about him, so she went on to relate more and more. Turns out I only ever hear the bad stuff, so I had a very unbalanced view of her relationship. Now I "get" why she stays with him.
If you don't want to share, don't. No pressure. I'm just asking.
Dave
------Jocette said: "I want to progress in the relationship, not go backwards...........what do I do?"
Everyone's telling me leave him and making him feel really bad right now while he's reading this..... which is not the desired effect here since he respects you all
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sweetface2233
If he is reading this thread, then maybe he can get an idea of how he is making you feel and this could be a wake-up call for him. If not, then this is a sad day on JWD and you may want to check out this website www.snbw.org
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jocettejane
Anyone else have anything to say? C'mon peoples, I really want to know if there is some way to help him.....
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AlmostAtheist
>> C'mon peoples, I really want to know if there is some way to help him.....
We don't have much info to work with, Jo. You both love each other and you're both doing things that are unintentionally sabotaging your relationship. He's read the thread -- perhaps it would be best if you both sleep on it, then print out the thread and use it as a starting point for discussion?
There are couple's counselors that you can visit to help. Coming to understand each other's point of view couldn't be a bad thing. It's been pointed out that this thread has made him aware of how you feel. Talk with him, see if he's REALLY getting where you're coming from. And of course, you need to understand things from his angle.
It's hard enough to understand yourself and your own motivations, let alone come to understand someone else. But you've both got to make that effort in order to get through this.
Dave
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jocettejane
sweet said: Do you have a psych degree and can analyze his actions and give him sessions and exercises to help him get over his issues? Even if you do, he's not asking for help. Have you ever tried to feed a chicken shit sandwich to someone who refuses to eat it? The end result is not a good one
-------do you think I should just try to ignore it cuz he's not asking for help? stop praying for him? go on with my life and activities while he continues to wallow? we're usually together on everything and I guess I feel left out of the reasons that he gives me about his past for all this pain that he and I feel now........I want to move on in the relationship...... that means with him