A few years ago, I actually felt despair because I knew that the children of suicides have a MUCH higher rate of suicide themselves. That meant, for me, that I had to keep plugging along to protect my children. I mean I was horrified with the fact that I had to go on...I was in so much emotional pain.
I tried Zoloft really briefly, but have been on Paxil for years now. I self-adjust the dosage now and then, but really had to give it a good, consistent try before I started to notice that I was actually starting to feel like myself again.
Some other stuff that helped: (1) walking: every day, briskly. Since I couldn't stand to listen to my own thoughts, I decided to work at memorizing stuff while walking and started with the songs and poetry in The Lord of the Rings. That kept my brain busy while my body was walking. (2) I started keeping a list of 10 things I was happy about/grateful for every day. Lots of the entries were very small: "the beauty of the sun sparkling on the water at the creek", "combing Katie's hair while we watched a movie" (Katie's my daughter). I know it sounds corny, but it made me start to notice good things. (3) getting up in the morning and getting sun in my eyes. I would get up and go out and fill the bird feeders. I didn't get this at the time, but have since read that sunshine on your photoreceptors stimulates the production of serotonin in the brain. (4) Xanax. It knocks me out. When I was depressed, I would spend all day exhausted wishing I could curl up and sleep and then lie awake all night in a panic--panic about the fact that I was feeling panic. With Xanax, just knowing I had an option that would let me relax and sleep made it possible to relax and sleep. After the most acute part of the depression/anxiety, I hardly ever had to take it because I knew it was there if I needed it. If that makes any sense...
And hopefully it helps to know that you're not alone in your feelings...
Jewel
