Freedom to Remarry Question...

by clsurfer 33 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  clsurfer

  My story, Need advice:

  Me: Active JW. Divorced unscripturally from jw husband 5 years ago. Not spoken to him since. Heard he was inactive, shows up at meeting occasionally. I had a little "moment of weakness" with worldly man and have confessed to elders, but have not had JC meeting yet. I've just started at a new congregation and don't know if they know about my divorce. Will they ask me if I had been married before? Will JC require me to ask my ex for forgiveness since I was the one who filed the divorce? The ex and his PO father/elder, regular pioneer mother tell everyone I am dead to them. I know he has been with other women, but have never been able to get the "proof" I need to satisfy elders inquiries. Am I free to remarry???

  Thanks for the help.....

  cl
• 

  hillbilly

  Be prepared to be asked all sorts of detailed questions about what transpired during that "moment of weakness" . Details right down to what color of thong you wore.

  If I can be so bold... why the unscriptural divorce? I know if I was still in I'd feel obligated to let my new Elders know my status.

  Hill
• 

  jgnat

  I think the crux of your problem is that you feel the need to satisfy the elder's inquiries. If you give them the power, it could go as badly or as easily as they like. They may ask many questions, they may ask none. I understand they will try and determine your motive, the degree of touching, and if you are truly repentant. You have no say on what questions they ask; it all depends on their degree of diligence and curiosity.

  So I take it the confession happened at the old hall. Your elders in your new congregation will ask for a letter of reference from the elders in the old hall, and they may take their direction from that. It all depends on how the elders talk about you behind your back.

  Now, as for you being "scripturally free", I am sure in your eyes and in the eyes of Jehovah, you are well and truly divorced. You don't need evidence for that. Jehovah has eyes everywhere. You can marry as you please, as long as the man is willing. Do you have an eye on someone?

  Now, as for the congregation, is it really any of their business?
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  I'm just started at a new congregation and don't know if they know about my divorce. Will they ask me if I had been married before? Will JC require me to ask my ex for forgiveness since I was the one who filed the divorce? The ex and his PO father/elder, regular pioneer mother tell everyone I am dead to them. I know he has been with other women, but have never been able to get the "proof" I need to satisfy elders inquiries. Am I free to remarry???

  I am not sure what you want to do- tell them truth or hide it.

  If you want to tell the truth and remain part of the congregation, you are not free to remarry.
  You would have to inform your scriptural husband (regardless of reality, that's how they see it)
  of what you did and he would be free to reject you. A JC might ask you to inform him, consider
  asking for forgiveness and reconciliation. Difficult to say.

  I imagine your ex would never admit he is cheating on his scriptural wife.

  If you are not interested in telling them the truth, but want to remain in the cong. for your own
  reasons, it might be worth a shot to simply say that you are scripturally divorced, your husband
  committed adultery but was repentant, and you got a divorce. This could backfire and get you
  into more trouble, but likely would just result in no investigation of your past congregation.

  If you want to stay "in" I would simply recommend doing whatever they say. Pray with them,
  say you are sorry with them, inform your ex within whatever instructions they give you. Bend over
  backwards to do whatever they want. Afterwards, when you have not gotten back together with
  your ex, do whatever you want with the current guy- just don't tell the elders. If you want to marry
  or just have fun, they don't need to know. If that won't work, then go ahead and get DF'ed.

  Others will have more insight. It's really a matter of what you want.
  BUT you are not free to remarry by their rules yet.

  I would also consider this a good time to re-evaluate whether you can just walk away from dubs
  at this point in your life and do whatever you want.
• 

  clsurfer

  Divorced because I had many clues to his cheating: hotel receipts, coming home at 4 or 5 a.m. two or three times a week, not being where he said he was going to be. He never wanted to have sex with me, etc... Things just didn't add up. He would blatanly tell me he didn't love me, but he wouldn't leave me. So I filed for divorce because I wasn't about to go through more emotional abuse like that. I'm still in contact with a few of his wordly friends, if only to keep tabs on him for any type of "proof". They tell me he has girlfriends spend the night, etc. The day I filed for divorce, he told me he would never give me my scriptural freedom. He's kept his end of the bargain. Elders have questioned him, but boldfaced lies to them.....
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  You can dodge their questions, but it's tricky.

  You can say you are single or "not married." If they specifically ask, you can
  say you are scripturally divorced. They probably won't ask your former cong.
  for evidence. If they do, you can say you thought you were scripturally divorced
  because he slept with someone else and you understood that you could get
  any convenient divorce under those circumstances.

  The problem for advice-giving, we don't know you and how you want to handle this.
  We don't know your situation. Maybe you can fill us in more. Do you want to
  stay in the cong. without a DF? Why?
• 

  caliber

  clsurfer,

  The marriage ties now offically broken, if you confess either party is now free to remarry. There was a question from

  readers topic some years ago about this. You need someone like Blondie to dig it up for you !

  Caliber
• 

  jgnat

  So are you going to let him dictate all your future happiness? It seems you've got guts.

  Here's an alternative my JW hubby used to good success. He married me on the sly. After the deed was done, he confessed. The elders were right ticked, yanked all his (non-existent) priveleges, and assigned him extra study. But we were still married. What could they do?
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  So you know that you had a valid reason to divorce him.

  Don't give the elders power over that. Stick with "I am scripturally divorced."
  
  Did he face a JC for that? "I just know that I was done with him and I was
  out of there."

  Well, we have to look into that. "Do what you need to do, but I have moved on."

  Put it back on them if they want to make an issue of it, likely they would just not
  make an issue. "I know what he did, I told the brothers what he did, I was done with
  him."

  I don't guarantee this will keep you from a DF, but it sounds like the best tactic.
  Then don't tell them anymore than you already did about the current situation.
  If you confessed without details, then it happened once. If you gave details, offer
  no more than that.

  What will you do in the future? Say "I won't see him anymore." "No, I won't
  reconcile with ex, but I will inform him of what transpired."
• 

  clsurfer

  jgnet,

  I do not have my eye on someone. No excuse for what I did other than I had a small indiscretion that should have never happened. But it did, so now I feel guilty and am willing to suffer consequences. I was only wondering what JC would expect me to do in my current "not free to remarry" situation. I know there are people on this board who would advise me otherwise, but I would not consider leaving JW. We all have the right to choose and I choose to stay in. I