I can't give you any advice on fading, because I was forced out of the organization when I refused to either stay married to a dangerously abusive jw husband or hang around long enough to see if he would choose adultery or murder. But I can give you some information on what it's like to be out for 20 years. First of all, the elders AREN'T GOD. If you don't want to meet with them, and I would highly advise against it, tell them the truth. Tell them that you aren't sure what your feelings are at the moment, so there's nothing to discuss. And then get out in the world and see that IT ISN'T SUCH A BAD PLACE. Allow yourself to think independently just once and see how good it feels. Once you do that, you will know exactly what stance you will want to take as far as the WTB&TS is concerned. Second, you should educate yourself enough to realize that all df'd people are not sinners. There are many of us who got the ax simply for disagreeing with the powers that be. Once you accept that fact, you will then understand that even people who were df'd for "sin", aren't the evil people that they are made out to be. We are all imperfect and have our own circumstances. Only God reads hearts and He should be the only one concerned about our sins. Third, educate yourself about the "truth" and then make an informed decision on whether you really want your children to be raised in it. Leaving isn't painless, but in my experience, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. There are many opportunities outside of the organization for true friendship, scholarship and love for you, your husband and children. All you have to do is look for it.
Please, I need helpful suggestions.....
by New light for you 48 Replies latest jw friends
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Guest with Questions
Not sure if you know how to get your pm's so I will post it here. Not sure why I didn't post here in the first place.
I was only going to come to this site this morning to see how Rick Farron's phone conference went when I saw your post. I am getting ready for church but wanted to comment. Your post made me teary eyed. Please hang on. There is a better life ahead for you. Thankfully your husband is already out. Your family can stay intact. Your friend is probably so scared. Maybe she has questions also. It's the organization that is at fault, not the individual people. Please pray for guidance and protection for your family. God has never and will never abandon you. I will pray for you today.
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WTWizard
I suggest not making any firm decisions at this time. Instead, merely weigh all the options. What is the cost of staying in, and by cost I mean the whole cost. You are spending money every time you attend a boasting session or go out in field circus. It is taking time each time you do those, or read a washtowel or asleep. There are other things you could be doing with this time. It is also holding you back from getting a life with the world, since you are probably following at least some of the rules.
Next, look at the benefits. Do you have anyone in the congregation you care about? Family members? Do you get anything of real value out of being at the boasting sessions or out in field circus? You will need to see if these benefits actually outweigh the total costs, because if they do not, you are probably going to want to get out of the organization.
Next, there are the options. You can just stay put, faking believing the lies that they tell. You could just quit and let the cards fall where they may. You could attempt to fade, doing less and less with passing time. You could disassociate yourself or do something to get disfellowshipped. Or, you could settle into a situation where you are one of those apostates that is still an "active" witless that does just enough to "get by" but does not believe in what they are doing.
Weigh each of these options. Each option has its opportunity costs and risks. Faking it or remaining "active" carries the risk that you will get busted. Having Crisis of Conscience itself is a disfellowshipping offense. And there is the chance that you will get busted trying to help others see the real truth, since independent thinkers are being weeded out even now. However, if you are successful, you maintain your friendships with those you care about.
If you choose to fade or drop out, you might lose some of those "friends". On the other hand, you will not be formally disfellowshipped. You will just be inactive, and the way back will be more open for you if you later decide to return. It will also waste the hounders' resources that they want to go into hounding the flock. There is the risk that you will get busted, since they can lump just about anything into "apostasy". You could still get disfellowshipped for "failure to follow theocraptic order" if the hounders want you to start going to all the boasting sessions and you refuse.
Ultimately, you alone have to decide. However, the start is to weigh all the costs and benefits. And it is not a bad idea to objectively see what happens if (1) you stay and it is false, (2) you leave and it's false, (3) you stay and it's true, or (4) you leave and it's true. You might be startled with the answer you arrive at, and that alone might be enough.
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Witness 007
Everything will work out. We have all gone thru the same struggle. Just ride the wave and your friends will either come, go or stay away and their is not much you can do...honest people find it hard to live a lie.
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golf2
Greetings and welcome to the forum. You made a good observation and that is, you did things quickly. Let me first suggest, take things in stride, mind you, it's easier said than done. Now that the news is out, relax and read over the suggestions on this forum. In the event the elders want to meet with you, excuse yourself by saying your not feeling well (which is true) and schedule it for another time. Give no time for an appointment. Your mentally and emotionally under strain and you NEED time to gather your thoughts and emotions. This info comes from a great grand-father. Your husband will help you to do what's best.
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song19
My heart goes out to you. I am recently out too, but due to inactivity and irregular meeting attendance, my sudden stop hasn’t been all that noticeable... although we're just out so I am sure the elders will attempt to meet with us soon to 'encourage us'. So yea for us!
I know what it's like to spill your emotions as you did. I did the same with my mother. I just couldn't keep it in. (Read my post here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/158893/1.ashx) Except after I told her everything, days later she went into major denial mode which only angered me and led to my emotion tantrum. I actually got very irrational and emotion about the entire thing and definitely looked like a crazy person. All I can say is, although I wish I had kept my cool, there was no way I probably could have done so. With all my emotions running wild upon learning that I was in a cult, how my entire life was wasted, and the new fears, anxieties, and realities I now had to face, I reacted the only way my body knew how... releasing that stress to the only person who I thought would understand, my mother. You had to let it out, as I did.
It breaks my heart that your best friend turned you in so fast. I can safely say I have never had a best friend who was a JW or a best friend at all... it's been a very lonely life for me. My mother probably thinks I am nuts, and I have probably seriously delayed her exit as she is ever more determined to be regular at every meeting and get out in service more. I just hope that I didn't ruin her chances of getting out. So I am trying to figure out how to gain her trust again. She didn’t rat me out though, it would have been harder on her than me.
Anyhow... I agree with what others have said, don't give the elders the chance to meet with you. Just check out Rick Fearon’s JC meeting. If your ‘friend’ gave them any details, their goal is not to correct you, but to get rid of you. Tell them nothing if you are not ready to officially depart!
Hubby and I won’t agree to a JC meeting if it is ever insisted upon us. And if it ever came down to it, we thought we would DA, to avoid the trouble of it all. We actually found a very powerful letter written by an ex-jw to his elders that were insisting a JC meeting. The letter insisted on his legal rights, including having things documented and even having legal counsel… I don’t think the elders ever bothered with him again. I can’t remember where that letter is, hubby has it bookmarked or I am sure someone here knows where to find it. Might be something to consider. I hope that your ‘friend’ doesn’t cause too much trouble for you.
What I am finding out is, is that there are many, many people out there who will love me for who I am and not for the amount of hours I put in the service or how many meetings I make in the week or how many comments I give. I am going through this journey too, I know it’s hard. It's an emotional roller coaster. Know you are not alone. I am here for you; we are all here for you. This site has given me great comfort.
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journey-on
Welcome.....there are lots of good people on this board to help you. Sometimes I think those with the "right"
heart are the ones being "called" out of the Watchtower Society. Those left will be the ones that serve man rather than
God because they are the ones that do not have the real love in their hearts that Christ spoke about. They blindly
follow after a group of men and put man's doctrine ahead of the doctrine of Jesus which was simply to love God
with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind and love your neighbor as yourself.....period.
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ldrnomo
I am sorry for the mental state you and your family are going through. Life is and can be better without being a JW. You have now found out the real truth (that the truth really isn't the truth) and it is shocking but remember what Jesus said "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free" you and your family are free and you will find real friends who will love you unconditionally. So be patient don't do anything stupid, I'm sure your children won't mind not going to meetings find them some activities where they will meet new children do things as a family and keep reading and learning remember knowledge is wisdom.
LD
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Gopher
Welcome to the forum, NewLight. This is the best forum for ones having problems or issues with JW's. You can get 24/7 support here, as posters from around the world are on here daily.
I'd agree with the posters above who said to steer clear of meeting with the elders right at this point. As you said, you need time to clearly think this through -- and they want to rush you back into the fold.
As far as the article about labelling entire groups -- ironically enough there's a 2000 Awake article about propaganda posted right on the Watchtower's official site. http://www.watchtower.org/e/20000622/article_02.htm
It's interesting the comments that they make about generalizations and name-calling are EXACTLY what they do to their own former members! They are in a propaganda war against us, and teach their followers to hate ex-members worse than they even hate Satan. Below are a couple sections from that Awake article:
Making Generalizations
Another very successful tactic of propaganda is generalization. Generalizations tend to obscure important facts about the real issues in question, and they are frequently used to demean entire groups of people. "Gypsies [or immigrants] are thieves" is, for instance, a phrase frequently heard in some European countries. But is that true?
Richardos Someritis, a columnist, says that in one country such perceptions caused a kind of "xenophobic and very often racist frenzy" against foreigners. It has been shown, however, that when it comes to delinquent acts, the culprits in that country are just as likely to be native-born as foreign. For example, Someritis notes that surveys have shown that in Greece, "96 out of 100 crimes are perpetrated by [Greeks]." "The causes of criminal activity are economic and social," he observes, "not 'racial.'" He blames the media "for systematically cultivating xenophobia and racism" by a slanted coverage of crime.
Name-Calling
Some people insult those who disagree with them by questioning character or motives instead of focusing on the facts. Name-calling slaps a negative, easy-to-remember label onto a person, a group, or an idea. The name-caller hopes that the label will stick. If people reject the person or the idea on the basis of the negative label instead of weighing the evidence for themselves, the name-caller's strategy has worked.
For example, in recent years a powerful antisect sentiment has swept many countries in Europe and elsewhere. This trend has stirred emotions, created the image of an enemy, and reinforced existing prejudices against religious minorities. Often, "sect" becomes a catchword. "'Sect' is another word for 'heretic,'" wrote German Professor Martin Kriele in 1993, "and a heretic today in Germany, as in former times, is [condemned to extermination]—if not by fire . . . , then by character assassination, isolation and economic destruction."
The Institute for Propaganda Analysis notes that "bad names have played a tremendously powerful role in the history of the world and in our own individual development. They have ruined reputations, . . . sent [people] to prison cells, and made men mad enough to enter battle and slaughter their fellowmen."
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Thechickennest
New Light for You:
I don't have all the answers for you. According to a lot of experiences I have read on this board the process of leaving the WT can be either very liberating or it can be hell. My wife made her decision to leave the WT a few months after I did. Reading "Crises of Conscience" is a huge thing to digest. After you have lived one way all your life and the lights are turned on showing you a different path well, its shocking. Take your time with all the new information. What's the worst that can happen? Maybe you will caught up in a JW elder review process that may lead to you being disfellowshipped or reproved, encouraged or something along those lines. Your JW friends will be treating you different from now on no matter what you decide to do. Sit down and make a plan with your husband about your exit strategy. Make your exit on YOUR terms. Don't exit if you do not want to. We live in free country. You are in the drivers seat. You cound not have picked a better name to join us here on this board.... New Light for You,
Welcome!