Please, I need helpful suggestions.....

by New light for you 48 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  CoonDawg

  Okay, in all seriousness, tell them you were drunk or under the influence of a narcotic for back pain. Lie your ass off. Let the elders know they are over reacting and you were simply amplifying your questions through a subtance that influenced you. Hey, the worst they would do is privately reprove you and let you have some time to fade. Big deal, you aren't wanting to go back anyway so it's not like "no commenting" restrictions are gonna bother you.

  I feel for you about how emotionally wrenching all of this is for you. I wish you had the luxury of an "easy" fade. If JW's can justify untruth as "theocratic warfare" who gives a rip if you lie your ass off to them?
• 

  sass_my_frass

  Hi love, I just so wish that I could step in as a new friend right now, and be a new not-actually-but-might-a-well-be Aunt to your kids. It's going to be confusing and maddening for some time, but that will go away, and you'll be left wondering how you let all that stuff happen, and where you found the time, and how you didn't notice that there are so many ways for life to be great in the real world.

  I'm sorry about your friends; that one really really hurts. You're right about them being bitches, but you'll wonder how you could say that sometimes. Keep reminding yourself; accept nothing less than friendship from your friends. If they loved you, they wouldn't be blackmailing you. Friends don't do that.

  It takes time to make new friends; time and the effort of building a shared history. It will be a while before you can trust new people, but don't make it too hard. Right now think about a dozen new hobbies you'd like to try yourself or with the kids and hubby, and spend this year trying them. Keep yourself distracted from the ugly stuff.

  A great big welcome to you...
• 

  oompa

  well crap...I just typed a nice huge emotional post....lots of omg's in it and it did not post....but it was good therapy for me anyway...and it said...I AM HERE in it....AREA CODE 336!!!....and do have an apostphone and an apostabike and would so like visit you and your husband!!!

  Belive me...I do know EXACTLY how you feel...and could not SHUT UP!...it all came out to my friends and family too.....so my advice is SHUT UP and real quick....and no way in HELL meet with the elders EVER....if you want to have any of the old friends and if family is in you need to see. I am a bit vocal and emotional....and can not believe they have not df'd me....but I really did seem a bit nuts and could prove it to with the doctors and meds and booze.....so they cut me big slack. pm me and i can give you my number.....really need to meet you guys....and you you feel like a walking train wreck but you a reeally back on the tracks...you have your husband of like mind and a family that is about to be oh so REAL for you!!!!.............................................you lucky girl........oompa
• 

  babygirl75

  Hey Sweetie...I know this all seems like a wirlwind to you. I'm shocked but at the same time am not at the way your supposedly best friend is treating you. You would think she would want to reach out to you and show you some love & support. Instead she cuts you off. That has got to be painful. But at the same time helps you see the light with this religion. The disfellowshiping arrangements is anything but LOVE!!!!! If you are not ready to make a decision as to what stand you want to take, then don't. Put the edlers off and tell them you are not ready to discuss anything with them. Then you can continue with your fade if that is what you decide.

  I'm finding out there are tons of us here in NC. It would be great if we could all make arrangements to get together. We will build our own "family" made up of all JWD friends!!! I pm'd you my number. Feel free to call me anytime.

  babygirl...
• 

  sweetstuff

  First of all, welcome NewLight (((((hugs))))). Hang in there, you don't owe those jerks any answers, its only playing into their power game to meet with them, its what they want, why serve them your life on a platter???? Now that you know what they are really all about, why even dignify their "weeding out" process at all?

  Avoid them if its at all possible. MOVE if its at all possible, might sound extreme but a new life somewhere else without looking over your shoulder is worth its weight in gold.

  Be glad you left while your kids are still young and you won't lose them. Your family is more important than an Apostate religion.

  And there is the bright gem in all of this pain and sorrow, you have the opportunity alot of people never had, your kids are young, they will adjust and you might even find to your surprize with time, overjoyed with finally having a "normal life" free of bs meetings and weekends spent in servitude to the WTBS (Watchtower BS!!) You have your husband's support, your kids, the so called "best friend" truly isn't a friend at all, if she maintains her stance. If you feel the need to email her, I'd recommend focusing on the bond you share, and assuring her you haven't gone insane, that you love and care for her, and when and if she needs you, you will be there. That's all you can really do at this point. The ball is in her court then and the proof of her love and friendship will be written on the wall.
• 

  tinker

  Dearest New Light, my heart goes out to you. In reading your story I experienced a relapse of sadness for my own lost friendships. I want to reassure you though, that Time really does help heal the wounds you are feeling. So many new friends here have offered great suggestions that will get you through this awful time.

  My husband and I faded very quickly and successfully about 4yrs ago. We are not DF and most all of our 'in' family members will associate with us occationally. We did have several elder visits or 'shepherding calls' and each time we said VERY LITTLE. I think that is key, do not express any opinion or answer questions with 'I don't know' I am a cry baby and I think my tears intimidated the dudes. It was no act, I did have a little mental break down and they could see I was near the edge. I heard the rumor going around was that I had depression and in fact got several 'get well' cards, too funny!

  These days when I run into JW's some speak to me and I do not avoid anyone. Just keep it short and sweet small talk and 'nice to see you, bye'

  Sometimes I feel bursting to scream out 'You are ALL Nuckin Futs' then realize it would accomplish nothing. It is wrong to shun people for what they believe and I will not return their unloving treatment on them.

  that's why is so fun coming here, we can dish the dirt among ourselves and flush away so much toxic waste.

  Welcome and may you find PEACE
• 

  BabaYaga

  Wow! Well... as Robert7 posted immediately following yours... the very FIRST thing I want to do is CONGRATULATE YOU BOTH!!! I am thrilled that you two still have one another and can help each other through this... spouses who can support one another.
  
  Secondly, WELCOME!!!! We are so glad to have you here... you will be surprised how much healing you will find here. I was out for 20 years (as I like to call it, a "pre-Google exit) and it took me finding these boards lo those many years later to break my state of denial.
  
  Do you have family still in, New Light? That is the most painful. It is very painful to find out just how conditional your "friendships" were, but when beloved family shuns you, that takes some strength!
  
  You have already moved pretty fast... you may not have the option of "fading" at this point. Just try to pull back, be very VAGUE with your answers to them until you get your bearings and decide how you want to handle this. There are endless stories and suggestions on this board about how to deal with elders calling and a committee meeting, if it should come to that.
  
  Love and strength and healing to you, (and believe me, it gets much MUCH better and easier!)
  Baba.
• 

  oompa

  yeah babygirl tarheel....this is getting getting better.....take that WT!....i just got off the phone with robert7 and did not even have to use my apostaphone!!!! Cause NC phone numbers ok on my real phone! New Light you will get through this!!!! It does get better! So funny me and your hubby laughing about sneakin onto JWD.....sneakin round with fake e-mail acounts....sneakin round with my apoastaphone....now you will have to get sneaky about what you say to who!!!!

  They make us go flucking crazy.....and turn in to big sneaks just so we can REAL!!!!!...........take deep breaths girl.....freedom takes a lot of getting used to..........oompa
• 

  buckster

  Welcome! Hang in there.

  Shut them out.

  If you end up in a truly unavoidable conversation about what you said then you do not recall phrasing things like that and are actually apalled and taken back that people would jump to such accusations without carefully listening to what was said. State that you really do not want to discuss anymore as it gets you incredibly upset and you do not trust them as misunderstandings have already caused such a mess. Please just leave us alone and we'll see you at the hall when you have calmed down and are ready to talk.

  Never go back. Never call. Never speak to the congregation. Not for along time. When you do you are not discussing doctrine or feelings about the organization unless you just want to lop of the whole carcinogenic lump.

  Do not have conversations or dealings with any witnesses or affiliates so that they do not feel as though you are trying to "infect" the congregation. If they feel that is possible then that is when they really go after people.

  The kids will make new friends. Maybe she will be able to retain her friend who has the unbelieveing Dad but that is tough depending on how loyalist the mother winds up being. It is crucially important for you and your husband to educate the children on what is going on and why. That life is about learning and that mommy and daddy are constantly looking for better ways to raise their family. Let them know that God does not want them to have their thoughts influenced by what people think but by the freedom to think for themselves. It is a gift from him. Making everyone think the same would have been easy. He chose to let us think on our own. He wanted it that way. If we let others do the thinking for us then it defies the purpose of showing Satan a liar as we did not choose by the freedom of thought and action given to us. Giving away the gift of freedom that Jesus brought to us.

  They will see that the way the witnesses treat you is not from God. It is an unfortunate but necessary education. My children were never involved with the witnesses but have to be made aware of the reasons that close relatives keep a distance. I do not hide any of the garbage and they are very mentally strong for it. They know that people we love feel that we are bad and think that we do not love God. Then I ask if that is true. They know it is not and wonder why grandma and others believe that lie. It comes down to that they believe whatever their religion tells them. You do need to go before the witness crap really scars them.

  Hang in there. It is all very difficult to wrap your head around. Everyone has a different path and you will find yours. You have already begun and that is hardest thing to accomplish. Ease your mind and they are actually quite powerless. Easier said than done I know.

  Prayers for you and your family from ours.