I think the big mistake is "expecting" anything in the way of cash and gifts. It only leads to disappointment. Gifts are voluntary offerings and, as has been demonstrated, many JW's do not volunteer to offer much. For many people, it is all about what they can get, (ie, free food and drink).
I used to set up and cater weddings for a catering company when I was a JW, and I've seen a lot of weddings!. The best mind set with which to enter into the festivities, IMO, is to invite the people you truly care about and want to share your joy with. Supply the food and drinks yourself according to what YOU can comfortably afford for the amount of people you have invited. Do this with an attitude of wanting to host a party and share your happiness with your friends, expecting nothing in return in the way of gifts or cash, just as you would do if you were hosting a party in your own home because you wanted to get all your friends together. (You wouldn't have a cash bar there or expect gifts or cash to be brought in certain amounts, in return for dinner.)
Whatever gifts you do receive will just be a welcome bonus. If some of your guests are poor, cheap, or just plain thoughtless, it won't matter to you, because the gifts had nothing to do with why you were hosting your wedding. They become irrelevant.
This exercise doesn't require any changes to the wedding celebration at all, except our own mental paradigmn about weddings, their meanings and expectations that surround them. Although, once the shift in perspective is achieved, couples may find themselves scaling down the size and opulence of their weddings, not out of financial obligation or because the elder's have told them to "keep it simple", but out of a desire to keep it simple and real for themselves and not lose sight of what is truly important to the couple in the whole affair. (Hopefully, that would be to symbolize and share their love and joy publicly)
I have seen many young couples, both JW and non-JW, some in my own family, treat their own weddings as business opportunities. They invite every one they ever knew, regardless of how close or how much they like them, go in to debt in order to feed them and put on as lavish an entertainment show as possible, all the while calculating how much loot they are going bring in. They are invariably disappointed at the end when the amount of gifts and cash brought in do not equal the amount of food and drink and other expenses that went out.
The problem is, the guests are often playing the same game, they are calculating the cost of the gift they have to buy, how much they will be taking in free food and drinks and they expect to come out ahead by the end of the evening also.
If both parties, hosts and guests, are treating the whole affair as a business transaction, and both sides are expecting to come out ahead, it leads to the kinds of behaviour many of you have posted in your stories. (Guests stealing, bringing their own free booze or trying to scoop as much as possible of the leftover food and drink and decorations for themselves to increase their "haul".) In the end, both hosts and guests are left with a "bad taste" about the whole thing. Hosts are complaining that they outlayed all this expense and got crappy gifts and they can't believe how cheap and tacky their "friends" are. Guests are complaining they spent all this money and effort to find a gift, and they can't believe how cheap and tacky the wedding was,
Bottom line: It is the couple's "special day", one they will remembe their entire lives. Their own attitude will set the tone for how they remember this day, regardless of their guests behaviour. If I were to ever get married again, I wouldn't care two cents worth about all the things brides and groom fuss over. (brides especially).
I would want my dress to be beautiful (for me and my husband) not to impress anyone else with the designer name and cost. I would invite only those I love and care about (and family) :-), and feed them the best food and wine I could afford. I wouldn't care what I got for presents. No one could ruin the day for me because it's about celebrating the marriage, not celebrating the party. It's all good!
Cog (Just call me a romantic, idealistic, practical, sceptic)