Once again, thank you to everyone for the warm welcome!!!
I just read a post on another friend from an individual who recently went back to the KH a couple of times for an "outsider's point of view" as a way of getting closure. I know some of you might disagree but I think this may be something I will have to do eventually. Nobody here knows me (600 miles from the last KH I ever stepped in) so the whole "DF" thing wouldn't even have to come up. I was so bitter, angry, and defiant when I left that I missed out on the realization many of you have already reached...just how INSANE their teachings ARE. Well, I KNOW they are insane but it would bring a lot of closure for me, I think, to be able to go back as a true "adult" and "outsider looking in" to solidify that while I did a lot of stupid things in the process of leaving it was a result of the craziness I had been forced to live through all those years. I want to sit in a room full of these brainwashed individuals, listen to the crap being dished out that they're so willing to accept, and smile to myself knowing that I am FREE!
It's kind of funny, actually, how one of the JW's own analogies on child rearing explains perfectly what happened to me when I left. They likened it to holding a spring pressed between your fingers. Let it go too soon and it will fly out of control, hold it too tightly for too long and then let it go and the same will happen. Let it go slowly over time and it will remain controlled. Well...I was a spring held too tightly for way too long and by the time I shimmied my way from between the fingers of control I went CRAZY with new-found freedom. A lot of hurt came from that period of my life and I've blamed myself for so long.
I just realized something...I was raped at 18 and 21...both while in what you'd call a "bad situation". I never pressed charges (even though these were people I KNEW) because my immediate mind-set was it was my fault for putting myself in the situation to begin with (drinking and being alone with the opposite sex...oh, and I didn't scream either time because I was 1. Given the date-rape drug so I COULDN'T move, let alone scream (first time) and 2. Passed out drunk at my friend's house during which time his roommate thought he could go ahead and have at me). I did wake up enough to tell the second guy to get the EFF off me (which he did) but still...I was drunk and alone with the opposite sex so of COURSE it was my fault, right? That's EFFED UP!!!
I haven't tried much to heal all these years because I have children that need me more than I need to visit my own "pit of despair" so I can deal with all the crap. At least that's always been my excuse. Put others before yourself...that's the JW way! Why can't caring for others AND yourself at the same time be a viable option?
