So I havnt posted in a while but i'm a regular lurker. I'm 19 years old and live at home with the parentals. I just admitted to them that i've been secretly seeing a "worldly" girl for about a year. I've known her for three. With an elder father and a very conservative JW household you can imagine the commotion this has caused. Granted i did lie to them and i take full responsibility for that. However now i'm facing a larger issue of where my allegiances lie. I'm being accused of loving the "world" more than i love my family. They keep telling me that i'm turning my back on god and backstabbing all my brothers and sisters. Granted i know the truth about the truth, but still i have a lot of loved ones in the org that i am afraid of losing. Tomorrow night I got a backroom meeting with two elders (thank god its not three), I don't know where that'll go. I already got the grilling from my father. "Have you touched her on her breasts or butt? Have you committed porneia? Are you guilty of fornication?...." Am i being selfish for cultivating this relationship? I apologize but my thoughts are a bit scattered at the moment so this thread may be a little jumbled but i'm under a lot of stress and am just looking for some support as i feel like my whole world is about to be turned upside down. I've been trying so hard to keep the peace and stay out of suspicion and create the least amount of trouble as possible but i feel like my D-day or perhaps DF-day is rapidly approaching and at an inopportune time as well. I just lost my job and I'm not in the position to move out. I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt for hurting my mother. I love her immensely but my decisions inevitably only cause pain. And if she knew how i felt about the "truth" she would be devastated. Her little boy who she had so much hope for practically damned to destruction, in line for Jehovahs wrath. My father also keeps repeating how ashamed of me he is. Although he's never really been proud of me. My brother is a clean, chaste, ministerial servant poster boy with a happy dubb-marriage and a sucessful job with aspirations of bethel. And i feel like i'm a failure in there eyes in comparison. My lack of faith and disillusionment in the JW's only adds to that puts me in a position where i don't see myself ever being accepted by them and i know i'll eventually lose them and everyone else i care for. I apologize for the Juvenile tone of all this. Any advice from folks who have been in my shoes or similar situations would be appreciated.
Got some troubles....
by thebiggestlie 20 Replies latest jw friends
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purplesofa
You are so very thoughtful, I am sorry you are going through this.
I don't have words of wisdom, only that my heart goes out to you, as a mother of four sons and would not want any of them to go through what you are now.
Your girlfriend is very lucky to have you,
purps
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jwfacts
I would suggest that you do not do anything at this stage. Say very little at the elders meeting and do not admit to any wrongdoing. As you already recognise, this is a cult and you owe the elders nothing. So there is no point saying how you feel about the doctrine or any behaviour that you have done that they may feel is wrong. Give yourself time to sort yourself out. Also, allow time for your parents to come to terms with you not being a good JW. It will be easier than it all coming to a head at once.
You will need to learn to cope with knowing that you are not acceptable to your parents but there is nothing you can do about them approving of you for as long as they stay a JW.
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Quandry
Her little boy who she had so much hope for practically damned to destruction, in line for Jehovahs wrath. My father also keeps repeating how ashamed of me he is. Although he's never really been proud of me.
I know you want to be grown up and chose everything for yourself. But.....I hope you will consider the long term options. Do you have an opportunity to go to college from your parents? If so, GO! You need to do something to gain self-esteem. Right now, all you are surrounded by is "shame" from every side. You will gain pride in your accomplishments if you are able to get an education. At first, you just take basic courses until you develop an interest and direction.
My daughter is now twenty-one, an honor student in college, and it has done wonders for her. She is studying Biology, and hopes to do medical research. She will have many opportunities when she graduates. She hopes to help fight disease and aid mankind. A lofty goal.
If your girlfriend can have a bit of patience, you can just be your own person for awhile, let things die down, and don't rush headlong into anything. If you are df'd, you can make life very difficult if you have no job and no education. Think about your goals in life.
Please keep us updated. I wish you the best.
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Gregor
Correct me if I have read you wrong, but it seems your real concern is your family relationships more than the authenticity of the JW teachings. You seem to understand that you can't have one without the acceptance of the other. This is the classic dilemma many posters here are caught in. No easy solutions. Maybe for awhile you should just play along until you feel ready to take your own position. No big hurry.
Best Regards,
G
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J-ex-W
I would suggest that you do not do anything at this stage. Say very little at the elders meeting and do not admit to any wrongdoing. As you already recognise, this is a cult and you owe the elders nothing. So there is no point saying how you feel about the doctrine or any behaviour that you have done that they may feel is wrong. Give yourself time to sort yourself out. Also, allow time for your parents to come to terms with you not being a good JW. It will be easier than it all coming to a head at once.
You will need to learn to cope with knowing that you are not acceptable to your parents but there is nothing you can do about them approving of you for as long as they stay a JW.
jwfacts-- this sounds spot on for where I am at, with both my JW and non-JW family.
thebiggestlie-- Take in all the different viewpoints presented and weigh them in with your own gut, because only you know the particular nuances of your own precious circumstances. Best of luck to you in sorting it all out.
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mustang
Granted i did lie to them and i take full responsibility for that.
Good show on that
In the real world, this would be a non-event and your current remorse for the above would be the end of it. But, somewhere between there and the guilt trip piled high as a mountain lies your real burden. And it is a lot closer to what you already have said than the mountain of guilt.
JW's are famous for their "guilt trips". Personally, I fired the Travel Agent on those over 30 years ago. You are hardly in that position, yet.
I bit my tongue and smiled a lot of times when I found myself in such situations. Answer as non-commitally as possible: "I'm not sure", "Interesting...", "I don't know", "what do you think" and so forth. There will be times when those eLDER's won't let you get away with that but go as far as you can with it.
Here's a twist: blame it on the "scarcity of sisters". I don't care if it is 10:1 in your congo: they are all either tramps, stuck up or ugly as a mud fence. Same thing for several congo's over.
You just lost your job? Deflect: that is all that's on your mind. Keep answering about your worrying about the job. "What? Oh, I don't understand the question.. I'm worried about my car payment..."
After dealing with the "blackbirds" in the back room, get sudden interest in your future and career. Bury yourself in it and becme apparently obsessed with it. It helps to talk about such matters when others are bothering you. You can definitely deflect non-eLDERs this way. And BTW: you do need to give that consideration for your own good.
Good luck
Mustang
Other than that
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avishai
Who's the one threatening essential disowning if someone doesn't do what the other person wants? You or them? And you're actually wondering who has the loyalty issues? Where your allegiances lie? I don't see you blackmailing anybody. Or turning them in to janitors, etc. t decide their fat because you disagree with a decision. You are dating someone you care about/love. That's been happening for thousands and thousands if not millions of years. And yet your parents are acting like you are doing something "bad" and "unnatural". Kinda strange, isn't it?
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yknot
Godbless our little Doom-Master.....
Hopefully in 6months you too can be ready to move out !!!!
Since you are not in a position to support yourself and seek your own shelter
Fall back, regroup and advance at a later date when you have a strategic exit option.
I appreciate your honesty and humility in your post, they are fine qualities and your parents should be proud...
That said the game is afoot, and must be played until the end of this current round!
You must decide what the Inquisition is ENTITLED to know. If you have admitted anything to your father you should expect them to know too. The rest is acting pure and simple. What would a good lil dubbie boy do and say? There are no lies in this game only words of survival.
You clearly desire to keep your family ties so inactivity might be your best route after you get this detour behind you.
If find it interesting that you did 'confess' to your parents..... In some ways I cannot help but think that you are subconsciously trying to force yourself into those last steps left between being your parents son and into your own man..... (okay that is the end of pyscho-analyzing)
On the GF front you seem to have 3 options: 1- GF does a "study", 2- GF go back under the sly until you can move, 3- break-up.
If you haven't applied yet..... http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/
Still some time left to enroll in Spring or Summer courses, online or full-time in the dorms.
Keep us posted too.....!!!!
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jamiebowers
My heart breaks for you, and being that you know the truth about the "truth", you're headed for heart break. But a lot of us have gone through the same thing and survived it, and so will you. To address some of your comments and questions:
i'm facing a larger issue of where my allegiances lie. I'm being accused of loving the "world" more than i love my family. They keep telling me that i'm turning my back on god and backstabbing all my brothers and sisters. Granted i know the truth about the truth, but still i have a lot of loved ones in the org that i am afraid of losing.
Your allegience must lie with yourself. You must do what makes you happy, otherwise you'll be no good to yourself or anybody else. No one should have to choose between loving the world and loving their family. You are not turning your back on God or backstabbing your brothers and sisters. That is all cult speak, and unfortunately, since your family is in a cult, you will probably have to choose between making yourself happy or living a lie for their sakes.
Tomorrow night I got a backroom meeting with two elders (thank god its not three), I don't know where that'll go. I already got the grilling from my father. "Have you touched her on her breasts or butt? Have you committed porneia? Are you guilty of fornication?...." Am i being selfish for cultivating this relationship?
Previous advice was given to be non-committal to the elders, and I agree. The less you say to them, the better. It is no one's business what you've done with your girlfriend. Being raised in a cult, you may be surprised to learn that sex is very natural and quite normal. The Aid to Bible Understanding says something about telling the truth to those who deserve to know, so if you have to lie about this matter, I say go for it. Your parents and the elders have no right to know about your sex life. And, no, you are NOT being selfish for cultivating a romantic relationship. It's normal.
i'm under a lot of stress and am just looking for some support as i feel like my whole world is about to be turned upside down. I've been trying so hard to keep the peace and stay out of suspicion and create the least amount of trouble as possible but i feel like my D-day or perhaps DF-day is rapidly approaching and at an inopportune time as well. I just lost my job and I'm not in the position to move out. I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt for hurting my mother. I love her immensely but my decisions inevitably only cause pain. And if she knew how i felt about the "truth" she would be devastated. Her little boy who she had so much hope for practically damned to destruction, in line for Jehovahs wrath. My father also keeps repeating how ashamed of me he is. Although he's never really been proud of me.
Of course you are under stress, but take it from someone who is old enough to be your mom: things always get better if we work on them. Whether or not you get df'd, spend your energy on getting a job or going to college and getting out of your parents' house. The guilt you feel about hurting your mother is normal, because you were raised in a cult. But please realize that the guilt is unnecessary. You aren't doing anything wrong or abnormal. If you are df'd, and she chooses to shun you, that's her decision, and you can't do anything to make her change her mind. You sound to me like a very nice kid, and if your dad has never been proud of you, then it's his loss.
My brother is a clean, chaste, ministerial servant poster boy with a happy dubb-marriage and a sucessful job with aspirations of bethel. And i feel like i'm a failure in there eyes in comparison. My lack of faith and disillusionment in the JW's only adds to that puts me in a position where i don't see myself ever being accepted by them and i know i'll eventually lose them and everyone else i care for.
Your brother can't have that much on the ball if he hasn't figured out the truth about the "truth" like you have. And you will be a failure in the eyes of jws if you don't submit to their mind control, but that doesn't make it true. You very well may lose your whole family, but you can try to minimize the damage by getting out on your own and fading. Please look for my pm to you.