Snapped. It just occurred to me that I REALLY hate my life. Mostly all of it.

by easyreader1970 52 Replies latest jw friends

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  easyreader1970

  Here lately, I have just been wishing that I could just fast-forward through my remaining years on earth and just die to get this nonsense all over with.

  I have only myself to blame. If I had gone through with my attempt to leave this hokey religion about sixteen years ago when I attempted to--before I got married and had kids--then maybe I wouldn't be teetering on the very slippery edge of sanity. Instead I punked out, buckled under the threats of shunning and guilt of abandoning family members, and so here I am--looking into the mirror every morning wondering when the nightmare is going to end.

  I love my kids. That's really about the only thing in life that has any value to me. I love my wife too, but she bases our marital happiness on how well I am doing in the "Truth". Since all I do is go to the meetings and smile and nod, she feels that this is damaging to our family and giving the most wrong example to our boys. She can't be happy under those circumstances because I have not given myself fully over to be "used" by the congregation.

  Total and complete disaster would follow if I expressed my true feelings. The world comes to an end. I feel like that would be a pretty selfish thing for me to do. I was not "blessed" with a wife with any understanding or any connection to reality. I know some guys, former brothers, who have pretty much given up on being a JW for various reasons. Their wives aren't happy about it, but they seem to have decent lives whether their wives still attend meetings or not. Even my father stopped going to meetings about ten years ago, but my mother sticks by him. A former best friend of mine who was raised in the truth gradually stopped going and his wife gradually stopped too.

  I wish, I wish, I wish I had a wife like any of those people. But I don't, so crying about it won't help. It'll just make me jealous and sad. So I pretend the best I can without vomiting. Tonight we're supposed to have Family Study Night. We didn't have it last week because my wife said that I hadn't prepared enough. She expects the same management and thoughtfulness that she would have gotten from an actual meeting. She's still not happy that they took the book study away.

  I hate it. I know there are other people in my position and I am not the only one with a crazed JW fanatic wife who bows to the will of every sentence that comes out of the WBTS. I could write more but I am beginning to make myself sick.
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  QuestioningEverything

  I'm so sorry that it's like that for you. But please remember you have to be there for your kids. They need you to be strong. It's sad that your wife bases her opinion of a good man on how prepared you are for the meetings. What's more important is what kind of man you are, that you provide for your family, that you are active with your kids, that you encourage good morals and work ethic in them, etc... Hang in there for them, Please.
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  slimboyfat

  It sounds terrible. I have no advice to offer. My situation is completely different. I am newly married, we don't have kids, and my wife can take or leave the Witnesses and is not too bothered about it. I just hope over time the outlook gets better for you one way or another.

  Things might get better in a way you don't expect at the moment.
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  lavendar

  Hi Easyreader,

  I've never been a JW, so I really cannot say I fully understand what you're going through. That would be pretty presumptuous on my part. But, I sure can empathize with you.

  But anyway, I HAVE read many books on the subject to try to educate myself re the WTS. There have been many JW husbands who have gotten their JW wives OUT...as I'm sure you know. It seems like the best method would be to gently, ever-so-subtly, in casual conversations mention one thing about the WTS that just doesn't make sense to you. And then ask if it makes sense to her. Just pick ONE thing every month or so. Go very slowly. Then DROP IT. It doesn't matter if she doesn't answer your question. At the least, you'll be planting seeds of doubt in her mind about the Organization.

  This was just a thought I had... to try and help. I don't know.....maybe you've already tried something like this.

  I wish you all the best....

  Lavendar
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  Beta Male

  exactly the same situation here, easy. wife cant/wont think.
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  JimmyPage

  I can totally relate to how you feel. You say total and complete disaster would follow if you revealed your true feelings. But isn't that where you're at anyway? Having your own opinion is not being selfish. It's your God given right. There comes a time when you have to throw the cat amongst the pigeons. Things may seem bad at first but they'll get better. Life is short and you've already spent too much of it under the mind control of a misguided cult. The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things while expecting different results.
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  WuzLovesDubs

  Im so sorry. Really I am SOOO sorry. How old are your kids? Are they all baptized?

  There is no getting this cult out of our lives as long as we have relatives in. Spouses in is exponentially WORSE. Continue to tune out in meetings. Plug in an iPod if you need to to stay sane. They cant disfellowship you for not going to meetings.

  Is there anything you can do to build yourself up? Online college courses or something to deviate yourself from this nightmare?

  hugs, LD
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  easyreader1970

  Go very slowly. Then DROP IT. It doesn't matter if she doesn't answer your question. At the least, you'll be planting seeds of doubt in her mind about the Organization.

  lavendar, I appreciate your suggestions. Unfortunately, I've tried and failed with those. She is the living example of a perfect Witness. She has been trained to immediately block and shut down anything you offer even a slightly different point of view or way of thinking. It's like Beta Male said. She can't/won't think. The switch that would allow her to have independent thought has been removed or destroyed by the WBTS.
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  slimboyfat

  How did your own dislike for the meetings develop?

  I ask because, I stopped believing a few years ago but I can still bear going to meetings. I don't mind them so much. Either I think about something else, or answer up to pass the time.

  Mind you I don't go all that often so I suppose it is different.

  Or maybe I am just shallow.
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  Meeting Junkie No More

  Ok, here's another tack to try:

  Kill her with fanaticism. Tell her you feel you're not spiritual enough and need to take in solid food at every opportunity. Start the morning off right by plugging in the old tape recorder or mp3 (what have you). Play the tapes, any tape - the latest Watchtower magazine, or a Bible reading - whatever you can lay your hands on. Play them in the car, first thing when you get home from work - carefully make notes of new truths learned, etc.

  Those tapes are enough to drive anyone insane, if you keep them running long enough and often enough. Play the same one over and over again, just to eke out new gems of truth! Maybe she will start to 'see' herself - from a different angle, aka THE FANATIC. Heck, it's worth a try - just for the entertainment value!

  I am not trying to make light of your predicament. I know it must be HELL ON EARTH. Sometimes reverse psychology is the only thing that works. Just my 2c.