I am shocked I am even writing this. For about a year or so, I have hid in the darkness peeking at this site and following everyone else's story. I have learned more than I expected from so many. I have read some of the prescribed books, took in what many have said, and continued to formulate my own opinions while studying multiple sources in and out of Watchtower land. I will try to be limited in my comments as to why I am here and some of the details may be cloudy as I dont want to give my identification away just yet. I have been formally baptized getting close to 20 years. About 20 years ago, one of my family members decided to plunge headfirst into the religion and I somehow got pulled along as a young adult (early 20's). I will admit, there was much I was unclear of when taught, but I was always drawn in mostly due to the "love" shown by so many. That all changed a few years into it once I was married to a wonderful woman who was in a very spiritually strong family. Many of my friends turned against me since I was so close to such a loving family who was selective in their relationships with others. To be fair to the family for this act of snobbery, they had good reason to be selective after being hurt on more than one occasion. Once this problem began, I started to see the ugly side of so many, especially the elders. One elder in particular, who was like a fleshly brother to me, completely turned his back on me because he felt I "joined an elite snobbish group in the hall." Even with all of this, I continued to progress in the congregation thinking that I am part of a perfect organization with imperfect people. Still to this day, I hold a "position" in the congregation with many priveleges or what I meant to say was duties, and I have worked extensively on District Conventions and Circuit Assemblies above and beyond the attendant at the door. But I am always torn as to how I feel when it comes to JWs and it being my chosen religion.
You see, I can overlook the 1914 issue. I always knew the pedophile issue for what it was and swore if I had kids when I first heard about it years ago, I woud never let them out of my site with anyone. I hate the recent changes about the GB and the emphasis put on them as the sole decision makers, what happened to free will and discernment on the individual's part. I never really felt that the blood issue was right even after my research, but I figured if the time came I would make my decision based on my personal feelings and not share with anyone other than my wife who does support me in that area. I thought that field service was nothing more than a two hour brunch session after knocking on the same persons door week after week. So, although I never really was a firm supporter of much of this, I kept it to myself and just played the game. I never wanted to lose my family, and I know I would if I expressed my feelings. Even more so, if I did express my feelings, it would be even worse for my wife and I don't want to hurt her either. So, being stuck between the rock and hard place is where I am at for now.
What made me change my attitude from being passive about things to being more vocal over everything is backbiting, hypocrisy, lies, and mostly unloving attitude. And this goes even deeper than imperfection of others, it is outright disrespect for people and disrespect for God. As I sit at meetings, I find that it is always about what I can or should I dare say cannot do as a Witness, although more and more the term "Witless" applies in this regard. No mention of the saving graces of Jesus or how we benefit from a relationship with him. I feel as if I am always being reprimanded by the information provided and never being encouraged or built up. We, or I should say they, continue to preach all the things that we do wrong and if you miss a meeting, dont participate in field service, or kiss the other elders backsides, you are pickings for the vultures. I need optimism, encouragement, being upbuilt. I thought Jesus came to upbuild and bring hope to people. This is not happening in the congregation. I only see the ugly side that is so well hid from many others. I wish I could provide details of how I have caught elders in lies, confronting them and then nothing happening except for a backhanded apology. I wish I could tell of the ones who have committed great sins and they were public knowledge, but was always overlooked because they had money, power, influence. I wish I could tell of the standards everyone is held to that are manipulated from person to person based on who you are, who you have dinner with, who makes the loudest noise if things dont go there way, who drives the nice car in field service, or who has the big house with the fancy dinner parties for the priveleged few. I wish I could share in detail but most of you see it or have seen it in your experiences as well.
I appreciate the opportunity to let go of my frustrations here with ones who have similar experiences. I have shared some of this with my wife and although she tries to be supportive and listen, she still defends that we could go nowhere else and receive what we do. I know that what holds her back from a potential fade is also the family issue as well, her immediate family is very important to her and she would suffer greatly to lose that.
With that said, I will continue to sit in between my rock and hard place, watching ever intently at the way things progress. I will drop the real truth when opportunities arise, as I have been for the last year or so. And I will continue to keep on the watch for my opportunity to crush that rock.
P.S. I would like to say that there is an entire list of people I could say thanks to from reading here. I would mention everyone by name as to what you have brought, but it would take forever.